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Should I complain, or am I over reacting?

(59 Posts)
TheAssassinsGuild Sat 25-Jul-15 18:18:35

Perfectly happy to be told IABU!

DH went with DD to one of our local synagogues this morning. I wasn't there, so this next bit is as reported to me by DH. Towards the end of the service, the Rabbi picked up DD (4.5) and made like he was going to throw her over the side of the elevated part of the synagogue he was standing on, by dipping her down - probably about a 4 ft drop. He put her down and DH retrieved her. She was upset, tearful, subdued and said her armpit hurt. It happened so quickly that DH didn't get a chance to stop him.

I am livid and want to write a firmly worded email telling him that he upset and hurt DD and to keep his hands off her. Disclaimer: I cannot abide this Rabbi, so I tend to take a very negative view of his behaviour (DH can't stand him either). DH thinks I should leave it. MN jury - am I over reacting?

FadedRed Sat 25-Jul-15 18:22:04

I would go and say this to his to his face, and follow up with a formal letter copied to his superior (or whatever authority figure) Outrageous behaviour!

Gileswithachainsaw Sat 25-Jul-15 18:22:22

shock

how would you go about complaining?

would it make life difficult see g him.again, sorry no idea how it all works but I'd hate to think of you being pushed out of going.

not that that should put you off complaining, as I think you should.

Poor dd sad

YouBastardSockBalls Sat 25-Jul-15 18:22:40

Was he trying to play with her?

duckydinosaur Sat 25-Jul-15 18:23:23

YABU - if you are going to indoctinate your children at such a young age to religion then I think you have have to just put up with all the nonsense they will throw at you.

RepeatAdNauseum Sat 25-Jul-15 18:24:10

Was it playfully done? I know some kids that would love this - it'd be ill advised to try and do it to a stranger's child, but maybe because you "know" him (even if you don't like him), he felt it was okay?

YouBastardSockBalls Sat 25-Jul-15 18:24:29

Don't be idiotic ducky

Bubblesinthesummer Sat 25-Jul-15 18:24:32

Was he trying to play with her?

My though too.

Nanny0gg Sat 25-Jul-15 18:25:11

YABU - if you are going to indoctinate your children at such a young age to religion then I think you have have to just put up with all the nonsense they will throw at you.

What a spiteful load of crap.

Is there also a senior rabbi you can speak to?

YouBastardSockBalls Sat 25-Jul-15 18:25:21

That's what I thought repeat. My DS would have loved it, though I know not all children do.

Gruntfuttock Sat 25-Jul-15 18:25:41

Your DH should have given the Rabbi a piece of his mind before he left IMO.

TheWitTank Sat 25-Jul-15 18:27:55

I presume he was intending to play with your child and make her laugh rather than scare her witless -I would probably leave it and if he tried again in the future I would speak to him face to face. An email does seem ott.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Sat 25-Jul-15 18:28:14

It sounds like he was trying to be playful and it back fired, no harm done apart from a few tears. I wouldn't give it another thought tbh.

TheAssassinsGuild Sat 25-Jul-15 18:32:03

I don't think complaining would make things hard for us - he already knows we don't like him! There is no senior Rabbi, but there is someone who organisationally he reports to. I hadn't thought of taking it to that level.

As for the playing perspective - I'm sure that's what he was trying to do. He's got this thing where he wants to be matey with everyone, and this is doubtless an extension of that. But, so what?!? He doesn't know DD nearly well enough to know what she's find funny and he has no right grabbing her anyway. Not to mention that I don't feel it is appropriate to horse around during the service!

ducky ODFOD.

DameMargaretOfChalfont Sat 25-Jul-15 18:33:11

DH should have spoken out at the time.

You say It happened so quickly that DH didn't get a chance to stop him - well, DH could (and indeed should) have remonstrated afterwards.
WTF was he thinking of?? Did DH just pick up DD and walk away without saying anything??

Next time someone lays hands on your child in a way you're uncomfortable with act immediately - that comment is directed at your DH.

TheAssassinsGuild Sat 25-Jul-15 18:33:11

I think DH should have said something too!

Impostersyndrome Sat 25-Jul-15 18:33:25

I'd ring the synagogue office tomorrow morning and ask for a private word with him on the phone and then describe your DC's response. 99/100 likely he'll be mortified and know to be more careful in the future. Does he have children of his own?

TheAssassinsGuild Sat 25-Jul-15 18:36:17

Yeah, he's got either 4 or 5 (can't remember...)

Phone call? Hmmm. Might be better. (Although not as good as DH saying something at the time... Grrr!)

AuntyMag10 Sat 25-Jul-15 18:36:27

I think you really are making a big deal out of this. You said he wants to me mates with everyone so he most likely was playing with her. And as for him not knowing what your dd finds funny well unless he spends loads of time with her how would he knowconfused
It's clear that you dislike him. As pp said it was just a few tears, nothing to be making big complaints of.

TheAssassinsGuild Sat 25-Jul-15 18:38:47

So that's 4 in support of complaining. 3 against. And 2 with no view on this expressed. I have not accounted for ducky.

LokiBear Sat 25-Jul-15 18:38:54

I wouldn't. I'd have expected dh to have said something at the time. The Rabbi was probably playing but misread your dd.

RepeatAdNauseum Sat 25-Jul-15 18:41:46

It's been a long time since I toured a synagogue, but I remember being told that the rabbis like to engage with the whole community, including playing with the little children and talking to them about non-religious matters. They feel it's an important part of the religion. Is that still the case? We witnessed a few rabbis at a big synagogue greeting children and trying to play with them or the toys they'd bought, with varying success!

Twice or three times during the day, the parents with the child nicely stopped the rabbis from playing any further, and everyone moved on. I remember because my friends and I found it strange that they wouldn't want people to play with their children (we were young at the time! What a different world it is when you're that young).

I think it'd have been better DH stopping him at the time. Or next time you go, if the rabbi approaches DD, DH or you could say that you'd rather they didn't play with her? That might be better than writing a formal complaint, although if you feel that is justified, you should do so.

TheAssassinsGuild Sat 25-Jul-15 18:43:09

Maybe I will leave it.

I will have a word with DH, that he needs to say at the time. As much as anything, I think it is important for DD to see that if someone, including an adult, upsets, scares or hurts her, that we will fight her corner. It shows that we take her reactions seriously. Complaining now won't achieve that.

I'll also have a chat with her tomorrow about how she can tell people not to do something, not to pick her up, etc. She needs to know that she is entitled to say what happens to her body.

HeisenbergSaysHello Sat 25-Jul-15 18:44:23

Lots of kids would love that, lots wouldn't. If i was the rabbi and received a letter of complaint about it id be baffled to be honest.

Impostersyndrome Sat 25-Jul-15 18:44:51

I wouldn't word it as a complaint, just, 'I thought you'd want to know... No harm done, but vp could you leave her be next time... Doesn't like rough games..." Any decent person would apologise and that'll be the end of it.

For what it's worth, I can imagine that your DH didn't want to make a scene at the time. I wouldn't have complained at the time either. Would've been more focused on comforting my little one.

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