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To be annoyed?

(81 Posts)
holidaysareoverated Sat 25-Jul-15 07:06:02

My 'DH' often decides to go to the pub after work for half an hour or an hour. To his mind that is perfectly ok as it's not very long. Even half an hour in the pub ( and it rarely is only that long!) means he doesn't get home until 8pm at the earliest.

We have a toddler and another baby on the way. I also work and have to leave early every night to collect the toddler. If my husband doesn't get home until 8pm or later I have to do the bedtime routine by myself. This involves at least 30 minutes of trying to get the toddler to sleep but sometimes an hour.
So my day basically goes - up get myself and toddler ready, work and nursery, rush home ( a commute), sort out nursery bag, sort things at home ie pets, feed toddler, bath toddler, try to get toddler to sleep, prepare dinner, eat then collapse into bed myself.

If my husband is home he can take over bath and bedtime or cook dinner so we eat at a reasonable time. If he decides to go to the pub I end up doing it all and get no downtime at all.

We end up arguing about this all the time as it really annoys me that he thinks he can just decide to go to the pub whenever he wants. He thinks it's completely ok if it's not for long. But he is totally blind to the impact even an hour in the pub for him has on me. I'm not saying he can never go out. He does frequently. But I think these things need to be planned in advance. If I want to do anything in the evening I have to pre book it so that my husband leaves work early to do nursery pick up. I can never spontaneously decide to do things, so I do feel it's unfair that he thinks he has that right because I'm already at home to do the childcare.

AIBU?

YouBastardSockBalls Sat 25-Jul-15 07:07:14

No.
He's inconsiderate.

LateDay Sat 25-Jul-15 07:13:57

YANBU

holidaysareoverated Sat 25-Jul-15 07:17:07

Thanks. That's my opinion but he disagrees and just keeps saying it's only an hour.

FlossieTreadlight Sat 25-Jul-15 07:17:29

Yanbu

DirtyMugPolice Sat 25-Jul-15 07:19:13

Yanbu. But - have you told him it would be helpful for him to be home and help you?

StealthPolarBear Sat 25-Jul-15 07:19:25

You're not at home to do childcare though (even if you were it wouldn't be acceptable ). You're both in the same situation - at work, with one of you having to get home to do childcare in the evening. And he's decided that's yiu, by default.

StealthPolarBear Sat 25-Jul-15 07:20:46

But presumably that hour means he has no chance of doing nursery pick up. So why is that ok?

holidaysareoverated Sat 25-Jul-15 07:21:30

I've told him, I've asked him, ive screamed at him. All to no avail as he still does it. It's happened twice this week.
He says he would be fine if I wanted to go out, but if I do it has to be preplanned.

saoirse31 Sat 25-Jul-15 07:22:54

So he rarely gets to see his child during wk and appears not to want to as he actively avoids it....

sounds like you're essentially on your own and it'd be easier to be actually on your own.

holidaysareoverated Sat 25-Jul-15 07:22:59

He doesn't do nursery pick up anyway. He doesn't finish in time. I've shortened my hours at work to get back in time.
But on a normal night he gets home at 7.15 just in time for bedtime.

DirtyMugPolice Sat 25-Jul-15 07:23:02

Well then he should pre plan too surely. Poor you op. Double standards - what a selfish man.

Sighing Sat 25-Jul-15 07:25:45

Insist on it being preplanned then. Make him responsible for Mon/ Weds/ Fri bathtimes or such. Don't get involved.

holidaysareoverated Sat 25-Jul-15 07:27:48

Insisting makes no difference. I'm already at home and he just texts and tells me he is going to the pub. There's always some excuse a leaving do, or the other night a colleague was confused over a job offer. I'm supposed to care about these things!

samsonthecat Sat 25-Jul-15 07:29:24

He's being very selfish. I was married to a man just like him. I'm not any more and life is much nicer.

DorisLessingsCat Sat 25-Jul-15 07:30:13

I would go to the pub with the toddler and leave them there, then take myself off for a nice meal out.

holidaysareoverated Sat 25-Jul-15 07:32:37

Doris I don't understand? You are telling me to abandon my toddler in the pub??

AboutTimeIChangedMyNameAgain Sat 25-Jul-15 07:34:01

He is incredibly selfish. You are just the default child care for him to do what the fuck he likes.

holidaysareoverated Sat 25-Jul-15 07:35:01

Samson - I don't want to be married to him anymore. I am at the point where I would be happier on my own. At least then I'd know everything was down to me and id not be a constant simmering ball of anger and resentment.

orangefive Sat 25-Jul-15 07:37:31

This is utterly selfish behavior. To compare my dh rushes home every night to help out and is annoyed if he gets a call at 5:30. He misses our son and wants to spend time with us. Your dh doesn't seem to want any of the responsibility. Not to be harsh, but I can't believe you are having a 2nd child with him! You need to arrange a night out so he can see how hard it is, but I expect he will let you down and bugger off to the pub anyway. (sorry not helpful).

hesterton Sat 25-Jul-15 07:37:44

Have you pointed that out to him yet, holidays?

I would.

Bullshitbingo Sat 25-Jul-15 07:37:50

That is selfish. Is it not at all possible for him to be in charge of toddler pick up a couple of nights a week at least? Currently the division of labour in your relationship is way off equal and this will cause resentment. I'd wait til a time when toddler is in bed, you're both calm, and I'd just say ' this isn't working for me. Currently I do everything, and it's not fair. This isn't a real partnership'.
Stay on topic, don't get emotional or dragged into an argument. The facts are undeniable, he does much less than you, how can he justify that? If he doesn't listen, won't be reasoned with, you have to decide how far you're willing to go? Would you leave him? I'm sorry but I don't see right now how your life is any easier with him in it. What does he do for the family?

Bullshitbingo Sat 25-Jul-15 07:39:23

Sorry, meant to say, don't make it about the pub. This is about you both having equal leisure time. If he takes an hour anywhere after work and doesn't help he's stealing your evenings leisure time without asking.

melonribena Sat 25-Jul-15 07:42:22

I think Doris meant, take your toddler to your dh in the pub, not just a random pub!

Yanbu

holidaysareoverated Sat 25-Jul-15 07:42:38

There is no point discussing it. It won't change because he doesn't see that it's a problem. He has to have his own life as well apparently.

I'm way beyond the point of wanting to fix things, because I know he will never change. I sit in the bedroom on my own every evening. I don't think it even crosses his mind that I'm avoiding him.

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