Talk

Advanced search

DB/SIL

(83 Posts)
jacks11 Fri 24-Jul-15 22:42:12

I need some perspective. I'm so irritated by DB/SIL's previous unreasonable behaviour I think sometimes I struggle to see the woods for the trees, IYSWIM. I don't know if AIBU- don't think I am, but perhaps I'm wrong.

My parents have recently moved house following DM's retirement (DF retired for a while). They have moved to the area DM grew up in (and we used to visit grandparents for holidays). It was something they had always wanted to do and they were planning to downsize anyway, but when I got a job in the area they decided to move to there (actually about 20 miles from me)- sort of a "now or never" type of thing. I didn't ask them to do it, but I'm not going to pretend that I wasn't pleased.

DB/SIL were not pleased at all, DB thought (but did not ask) that DM would be volunteer to help out with childcare, and as SIL has recently stopped working I think this may have helped them financially (although as SIL is not working, not sure why they need to send DNephew, age 4, to nursery FT anymore). Also thought it was a bit odd to expect regular help with this, as our parents didn't live all that close to DB/SIL anyway and neither of DB or SIL drive.

My parents usually have my DN's for a week or so in the summer- initially it was with their parents but the older boy latterly would visit on his own for a few days and then DB/SIL and younger DNephew would join them for a few more days. Obviously see them at other times of the year too. Slightly different for my DD, as they have been more involved with her due to proximity when she was younger and then the breakdown of my marriage meant they helped out with childcare when I was at working. I had obviously out alternative arrangements in place for when we moved (before parents decided to move).

I get why my brother is irritated that our parents have moved closer to me, but at the end of the day it is up to them where they live and not our decision. I refused to intervene when he wanted me to "tell" our parents not to move, but suggested he talk to them about his feelings if he was upset. I did point out that our parents are not obliged to live where it is convenient for either me or DB, nor are they obliged to provide free childcare (very grateful for their help though, but would have understood if they'd said no)- although I do understand why DB/SIL might feel put out by DM/DF's choice.

DB has just announced that he and SIL have invited themselves to stay with me for a week during the holidays, while DNephews are at our parents- because they can't afford a week away and I "have the room". DB said he would leave it up to me to sort out the details (not quite sure what he meant- does he want me to arrange days out etc?). I was a bit shocked that they had invited themselves and am very reluctant to agree as I don't get on with either of them and just don't really want them to stay in my house for a week. On top of that, the week they want is a week I have taken annual leave to have some "down time"- I don't want to be hosting people I don't feel comfortable with during my time off!

When I said that I had plans that week and it wasn't really convenient, DB launched into a rant about how I "have it all" and it is so unfair. He says I don't appreciate how hard things are for them and all they want is a "week away" and I can't even give them houseroom. If I don't let them come, he and SIL " will not be able have a holiday and that will be down to you"- although they will be going to stay with our parents for a long weekend the week after they had planned to come to mine. This is apparently not a holiday, as they will have their DS's to look after, so won't be able to "just do whatever we want".

Also, they expect me (or maybe DM) to collect them from their home (as they can't drive) and drop DN's off at our parents, then take them to mine and also to do the return journey on the way home because travelling with "all the stuff the kids need" is not practical on public transport. Last time I was asked to act as a taxi service, it was a complete piss-take and I was so angry that I vowed to do nothing to help them again.

DM agrees with me and says DB is rude to invite themselves, DF would like me to allow them to come to keep the peace.

AIBU to refuse to allow them to stay and to point out they are getting a week "to do whatever they want" when our parents have their DS's. I am so annoyed at the assumption that they can book a holiday (and a taxi service) whenever it suits without any consultation.

jacks11 Fri 24-Jul-15 22:43:52

I should say- I understand why they might want a break, but don't see that it is my duty to provide it. I can also see that they could feel sidelines by our parents moving closer to me, but again that is something he needs to bring up with them not me.

ollieplimsoles Fri 24-Jul-15 22:56:48

Are these possibly the most entitled family members ever to grace the AIBU board?! confused

Words fail me. YANBU

Only1scoop Fri 24-Jul-15 23:00:32

Op did you post before about your parents move?

There is no way I would be dictated to by them. Stand your ground and don't start some draining routine of holiday host and taxi service.

AnImpalaCalledBABY Fri 24-Jul-15 23:02:50

YANBU

And by saying no I think you'll be doing them a favour as well as yourself, if you don't get on a week stuck together will be hell for everyone involved!

If you said no more lifts then stick to that as well, they are clearly piss takers and the best way to deal with that is polite distance at all times

Whatever is going on with your parents and childcare etc is between them and him, don't let anyone put you in the middle of it

DevaDiva Fri 24-Jul-15 23:03:15

This is insane and you are so not being unreasonable. They need to get a grip.

NotOneIota Fri 24-Jul-15 23:03:32

Bloody hell! OP, YANBU. Put your foot down,or you'll have years of this.

CrapBag Fri 24-Jul-15 23:07:57

Have you posted about them before? You doing a long 'taxi' trip for a family party or something and you swore you wouldn't do it again?

YANBU. Don't do them any favours. You have plans that week. They are not entitled to invite themselves. It is not your fault if the don't get a holiday. Why can't they take their children on holiday?

LadyCuntingtonThe3rd Fri 24-Jul-15 23:08:15

I remember your previous thread. I was angry at them.
Although didn't write anything. Anyway, I'd suggest you to re-read it yourself, maybe that will help you. Because you seem to have forgotten how they were taking a piss last time if you're even thinking that you might be unreasonable to not want to drive them or have them at your home.

EthelDurant123 Fri 24-Jul-15 23:12:30

Yadnbu. I'd tell em what for. Your parents are free agents. Ffs.

jacks11 Fri 24-Jul-15 23:15:58

Yes, I have posted about them before.

I know that DB is seriously annoyed about our parents move, he feels that I am favoured by them and there are also the issues relating to inheritance where he feels hard done by. I think his behaviour is partly down to making a point of how he feels short-changed and that he is treated badly.

AnImpalaCalledBABY Fri 24-Jul-15 23:19:42

But even if he's right about all that and you are the favoured child that's between him and them, it's not down to you to pander to him or 'make it up to him'. If he ever mentions it tell him you don't want to discuss it

I think you'd be seriously mad to consider having them with you for a week!

CrapBag Fri 24-Jul-15 23:36:05

You don't get on with them. Don't have them in your house, it will be hell!

His problems and issues are not your fault or concern. Don't let him dump it on you or put you in the middle.

Smooshface Fri 24-Jul-15 23:40:31

This sounds awful, Run far far away from it

WhereYouLeftIt Fri 24-Jul-15 23:41:05

Even if your brother was your favouritist person in the world, he would still be in the wrong for inviting himself to your house.

YANBU.

CrapBag Fri 24-Jul-15 23:41:43

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2369743-DB-SIL-AIBU-need-some-perspective

Just in case you need a reminder. Print it out and pin it on your wall. If you ever feel yourself wavering, look at it and remind yourself why you should never ever help them again. It is the thread I was thinking of and at a glance it was far worse than I remembered. They are awful awful people. Do NOT let them come.

ColdTeaAgain Fri 24-Jul-15 23:44:34

Why do they want to spend a week at your house if none of you particularly get on? That's just bloody weird imo.

Put your foot down and tell them no it is not conveinient and do not engage in further conversation on the matter.

He clearly has a massive chip on his shoulder, I say just leave him to whine and moan to someone else!

ColdTeaAgain Fri 24-Jul-15 23:48:23

Oh god yes, I remember reading your other thread about them! They are such unbelievable arses who clearly think the world should revolve around them and everyone owes them something.

Do not let them walk all over you again!

SycamoreMum Fri 24-Jul-15 23:49:34

Bleh. They're too much work. Don't invite them and the spiteful attitude they seem to have into your sanctuary. If they come you'll need a tree of sage to rid their negative energy.

BettyCatKitten Fri 24-Jul-15 23:51:46

I remember your other thread.
What cheeky fuckers!
Yanbu, a resolute NO from me.

jacks11 Fri 24-Jul-15 23:57:41

You're all right- I need to say no and let him moan if he wants. I would hate it, I think they would probably hate it and I'm almost certain we'd argue. It's not worth the hassle.

I usually do ignore his demands, but DF was so very adamant that I should let him come.

I agree with PP who said it is odd to actively seek to spend time with people you don't like or respect. I think he does it to make some sort of point, but maybe he has other reasons.

BettyCatKitten Sat 25-Jul-15 00:10:15

maybe he has other reasons yep, sponging off you for a week I bet. Jesus, you poor thing, being saddled with such an odious dickhead. Any chance of NC?

WhereYouLeftIt Sat 25-Jul-15 00:14:18

Oh I remember that thread! OP, I would hazard a guess that the real reason he wants to come and stay with you for a week is so that he can punish, punish, punish you over and over again and remove that feeling most of us have that our home is our sanctuary. Blaming you is how he justifies to himself all the things that are wrong in his life, because it's all your fault. If he stay with you he gets to blame you 24/7 with minimal effort.

Can I just point out - a feature of the last thread was your DF foisting your brother onto you so that your Dad gets an easier life/his guilt assuaged. ("It's hard, because whilst our mum accepts that we don't really get on and let's us avoid each other most of the time, Dad would really like us to get on. He can get quite upset that we don't.") And it would seem he is doing that again, trying to foist your brother on to you. You need to tell your Dad to back off on this one.

AdeleDazeem Sat 25-Jul-15 00:19:37

Regarding 'D'B and SiL wanting to stay in your house for a week even though you don't all get along; I imagine the reason for that is simply because he feels that you owe him something. Whether he wants that 'something' or not is irrelevant. He sees it as you having more in life than he does and he wants to redress that imbalance.

He's wrong of course, you don't owe him anything. Not the use of your house, not lifts, not 'making up to him' for your parents decision to move. You don't owe him any of this so don't feel bad about saying 'No.'

BlueAcres Sat 25-Jul-15 00:26:38

I get on with my sister like a house on fire and she usually suggests when she should visit instead of us inviting, as her holiday time is much harder to book than mine so it makes sense BUT even then she asks if it's OK and wouldn't put any pressure on - your DB guilt tripping you about a holiday and leaving you to 'sort the details' is so entitled! Yanbu!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now