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to be surprised no celebration at ILs for DS

(40 Posts)
cjt110 Fri 24-Jul-15 15:45:53

We live 157 miles from IL's and due to distance we don't see them often. It usually involves us going down to see them, rather than them coming up to us.

We are travelling down the weekend after DS' 1st birthday and I casually text MIL asking did she have anything planned for DS' birthday when we come down and her reply was something along the lines of "No, he will have had a party and a cake at yours won't he"

I am pretty sure although cannot say for definite that she has held small family gatherings for the other 3 grandchildren's (2 live abroad, one lives locally) birthdays if they have happened to be there around the time of their birthday (the weekend before/after).

I dont expect a full flung party or anything etc but I thought as it's his first birthday, she might have a little family gathering with some nibbles etc etc like she has done before in the summer - my reason for the text was I was going to say we could buy the food etc so she didnt have to outlay any cost which she normally does if every she lays on a buffet for a gathering.

She's only seen DS when he was 2 weeks, 4 months, and 6 months (maybe another time too) which is when we have gone to visit them so I thought she'd maybe want to do something to mark his birthday.

PotteringAlong Fri 24-Jul-15 15:48:57

Yabu - it's not his birthday, why would she throw a party for him? She's already got a house full of visitors; who wants to host a party on top of that? And do it off her own bat without telling you?

Yabu. It's not his birthday.

WorraLiberty Fri 24-Jul-15 15:49:35

I don't know really.

I've genuinely never seen the point in parties or gatherings for a small baby's. Obviously it's for the adults really.

Then again, if she's done it for the others I can understand why you might have thought she would.

But a whole week after the baby's birthday? I think YABU.

WorraLiberty Fri 24-Jul-15 15:50:01


NowSissyThatWalk Fri 24-Jul-15 15:50:12

Hmmm... I see what you are saying, but if it's not on his actual birthday I don't really know what you can say.
Happy birthday to your DS! flowers

cjt110 Fri 24-Jul-15 15:51:35

Yeah thats why Im not sure tbh, it just seems strange she'd do it for the others a weekend after their birthday and not for another (his birthday is on the tuesday so would be the following weekend) and not a party as such but just more of a family gathering which she has done in the past for no reason at all as well as for things like birthdays, christmas, anniversaries etc.

Anon4Now2015 Fri 24-Jul-15 15:51:39

YABU. It's not his birthday. And it's your job, not hers, to organise any birthday celebrations.

CookieDoughKid Fri 24-Jul-15 15:52:29

I think you've got this completely the wrong way round. It's your child, your dc and it's all down to your and your dp to sort and pay for it. To expect anything else would be pretty rude manners in my family otherwise!

cjt110 Fri 24-Jul-15 15:52:37

I would like us to celebrate it in some way with them and thought maybe a day out (at our expense) if they werent holding a gathering at all but now think well if she isnt that fussed, should I even ask.

UrethraFranklin1 Fri 24-Jul-15 15:52:49

Maybe if they were old enough to know its their birthday, it might be more expected. But for a baby who has no concept of it, a week later? I wouldn't bother, no.

cjt110 Fri 24-Jul-15 15:53:22

Cookie I did say up there that if she had decided to plan something, I was going to say we will cover the costs.

sooperdooper Fri 24-Jul-15 15:53:49

YABU, it's up to her if she wants to host something at her house, maybe she just wants to spend time with you & your DS rather than have a house full of people?

CookieDoughKid Fri 24-Jul-15 15:53:52

What your mil chooses to do, it's her prerogative. Of course ask if she'd like to be involved but I wouldn't assume anything.

cjt110 Fri 24-Jul-15 15:54:38

sooper I hadnt thought of it that way. Good perspective.

Timetodrive Fri 24-Jul-15 15:54:39

How old where the other grandchildren? I did not have a first birthday party for any of mine. They are usually for the adults and not the one year old.

cjt110 Fri 24-Jul-15 15:55:29

Timeto 3, 2 and 1.

MitzyLeFrouf Fri 24-Jul-15 15:56:15


If she's done it for the other grandchildren when it wasn't their birthday either it does seem she may be picking favourites.

Timetodrive Fri 24-Jul-15 15:59:00

Well that's a bit crap if she has treated the others different, hopefully it is a surprise one.

PurpleHairAndPearls Fri 24-Jul-15 15:59:16

"I casually text MIL asking did she have anything planned for DS' birthday when we come down"

Is very different to

"i would like us to celebrate it in some way with them and thought maybe a day out (at our expense) if they werent holding a gathering at all but now think well if she isnt that fussed, should I even ask".


PS I'd love the know the exact wording of this casual text grin

cjt110 Fri 24-Jul-15 16:01:02

Purple I asked her whether she was planning a party of any kind for when we go down. Nothing fancier than that. and with her reply of well no he will have had a party and a cake took the opinion she isnt clearly that fussed it will have been his birthday and so dont see the point in asking if they would like to go and celebrate somewhere.

RepeatAdNauseum Fri 24-Jul-15 16:03:40

If you asked if she'd planned something, though, she could now not plan something because you could be.

Pick the phone up, call her and say that you'd like to celebrate it with them too, and do they fancy going to XX, or do they have any suggestions. Make it clear that you'll be paying but you want to celebrate with them.

They are probably trying not to step on your toes!

firesidechat Fri 24-Jul-15 16:04:25

If this was our family and I would be the mil in your situation. I would have nice food, but we always have nice food when my daughter comes to visit and I would maybe bake a cake and we would give our grandson his presents. That is it. I wouldn't have a whole family event or a party as such.

cjt110 Fri 24-Jul-15 16:05:30

RepeatAdNauseum "They are probably trying not to step on your toes!" Another good perspective. Thanks smile

Tizwailor Fri 24-Jul-15 16:05:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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