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Aibu not to know what's right in this situation (warning:sad)

(109 Posts)
Octopuses Fri 24-Jul-15 12:32:59

A woman knocks on her neighbour's door to retrieve a parcel. Neighbour has just had a baby. Neighbour asks how she is feeling, knowing woman was 5 months pregnant and having lots of sickness. Woman says she has lost the baby. Neighbour begins to cry and say she's sorry. The women are not close friends.

Is it strange that the neighbour cried? How would you feel if this was you? Won't say which party I am just yet.

(Ps, mnhq, please amend my warning if it is insufficient)

LIZS Fri 24-Jul-15 12:34:56

Maybe a mix of hormonal reaction , guilt and embarrassment/awkwardness.

CakeWouldBeNice Fri 24-Jul-15 12:35:47

I would suspect that it triggered something personal for the neighbour.

sooperdooper Fri 24-Jul-15 12:35:47

I don't think it's strange that the neighbour cried, I think she was just feeling sad for the lady who had lost her baby, how sad sad

ThirtyFivePounds Fri 24-Jul-15 12:36:14

I don't think it's strange that the neighbour cried. If the two women aren't close, neither will know what the other is going through.

I'm sorry for your loss, if you are the person who has recently lost her baby flowers

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Fri 24-Jul-15 12:36:29

It's sympathetic distress. It's a very common response, I might find it a bit uncomfortable if I were the poor woman who lost the baby but i don't think it's weird.

Muddlewitch Fri 24-Jul-15 12:37:16

I don't think it is odd that she cried, it's a very sad thing and she may well have experienced it herself.

Pepperonipeteczar Fri 24-Jul-15 12:37:17

It's a normal reaction to some terrible news I think

ChwatFeechers Fri 24-Jul-15 12:37:39

I'd assume she just felt sad for her, and felt bad for bringing it up.
I don't think any less of the neighbour.

RolyPolierThanThou Fri 24-Jul-15 12:38:33

I don't think crying is odd. The news is terribly sad. It would make me cry.
flowers for whichever of the two you are, OP.

ActiviaYoghurt Fri 24-Jul-15 12:38:36

I think the reaction isn't strange but fairly ok tbh, she had just had a baby this makes you more sensitive to sad new about babies/children.

I wept at the advert for Water aid when I went home after having a baby.

AllThatGlistens Fri 24-Jul-15 12:38:53

Hmm. On the fence a bit really.

I'd assume it was somehow triggering for the neighbour, but it would make me feel uncomfortable, I've suffered losses and being brutally honest, I simply wouldn't have had the emotional capacity to deal with someone else's tears at that time.

ChanandlerBongsNeighbour Fri 24-Jul-15 12:40:14

I would probably cry as the neighbour too. A childhood friend of mine (just FB friends now) who's pregnancy two months ahead of mine was lost her baby at full term and I was just so devastated for her and her family that I literally sobbed when I was told.

For me, its such an emotive subject and I wouldn't judge anyone on how they reacted on either side of that situation. Whichever one you are, try not to over think it in terms of being weird or inappropriate, it is what it is and I don't think it necessarily needs to be revisited if that makes it easier for you.

cariadlet Fri 24-Jul-15 12:41:10

If I was the person retrieving the parcel I'd have felt very sad for the woman and, having been there myself, would be able to empathise to a degree. But I wouldn't have cried.

I think it's probably a bit unusual to have cried when the neighbour isn't a close friend. But some people are more prone to tears than others, especially if feeling hormonal or if the situation really resonates with them. I rarely cry, but there have been a few times in my life when I'd blub at anything sad.

If I was the neighbour who'd suffered the loss I'd have thought it a little odd that my neighbour had cried, but wouldn't have taken offence or been upset by it.

NotYouNaanBread Fri 24-Jul-15 12:42:23

I would cry too, esp. just after having a baby. The combination of rational sympathy when it's all so close, and irrational hormonal responses (crying at Octonauts while pregnant/just after having a baby), would make it inevitable.

Floggingmolly Fri 24-Jul-15 12:42:39

The neighbour has just had a baby herself. It'll have hit very close to home for her, in addition to all the hormones still sloshing around.
Not odd at all.

ShipShapeAhoy Fri 24-Jul-15 12:43:43

I think crying is a normal reaction, especially after having a baby. A combination of hormones, empathy and maybe some guilt.

OnlyLovers Fri 24-Jul-15 12:44:25

I don't think the crying is strange. All bets are off when you've just had a baby and are likely to be exhausted/hormonal, no?

cariadlet Fri 24-Jul-15 12:44:37

Just reread the OP more carefully. If the neighbour has just had a baby herself then I'm not surprised that she cried - hormones all over the place, far more easily upset by anything sad especially about babies, could be feeling awkward that she is in such a happy place when the other neighbour has had such a sad loss.

After my miscarriages and after birth of dd I was all over the place - could cry at a drop of a hat. Which is really not like me at all.

badRoly Fri 24-Jul-15 12:45:21

I would find it hard to know what to do if I was the one picking up the parcel but I could also be the crying neighbour on a bad day and would feel embarrassed about my tears but unable to prevent them.

Octopuses Fri 24-Jul-15 12:45:33

Thanks everyone. I am the neighbour with the newborn. Kicking myself for being emotional in front of the poor neighbour as I know it probably made her feel worse. For what it's worth it wasn't full on sobs it was just a few tears. I said I was so sorry to hear her news and tried to say sorry for my reaction too.

dougieroseagain Fri 24-Jul-15 12:46:20

Neighbour may have had miscarriages in the past. I used to go to a morning class and missed a few sessions because of a miscarriage. I then told one of the ladies about it and she started crying over a miscarriage she'd had 50 years before.

I think both the OP and the neighbour need flowers cake brew

wafflyversatile Fri 24-Jul-15 12:48:32

I would think it triggered something from her own experience or fears.

Or she is especially empathetic.

Or she just cries a lot. An old flatmate used to cry every day at something or other.

ChwatFeechers Fri 24-Jul-15 12:49:53

I have a baby, OP, and I think I would have burst into tears in the same situation.

Aramynta Fri 24-Jul-15 12:50:19

Oh OP.

thanks and thanks for you and your neighbour. Nothing wrong with your reaction at all. You are human, after all.

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