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To not want to give ex and ex-fil lunch tomorrow?

(45 Posts)
thinkingmakesitso Thu 23-Jul-15 21:12:10

I don't know how to get out of it though, without rocking the boat.

We have been separated for a year, following his infidelity and absolutely shitty treatment of me. Since he went, he continues to look after our dc before and after school (was a sahd before) and has walked away from the marriage with nothing financially, while I stay with the dc in the family home. This was all his choice, as I wanted to work on the marriage and he didn't, though he is not living with her now. He pays £80 per month for the dc, direct to the childminder we use in the morning.

He also has MS and last week had his first relapse since we split. He is on the mend now, but has lost work and money (temp contracts). While he was ill, I picked him up and brought him back here several times to see the dc. It's not that far, but, tbh, I resented the petrol money and the fact that he had meals while here. I know this is petty, and I said nothing, but it's how I felt.

We haven't seen him since Monday as I told him I'd like a few days with the dc to relax (I'm a teacher, so just broke up) but told him to contact us later in the week - like today. On Weds some tickets (could tell) came for him and he texted me asking if post had come. I was out at the time but told him I thought tickets had come and he said he'd come and pick them up. So he was recvered enough to drive then and had bought some tickets for something while having spent the grand total of £1.99 on d2's b/d present last week angry.

Today I asked him when he was planning to come and se the dc (he has nowhere to take them so always comes here) and, after prompting said he would come 'lunchtime' with his dad. His dad lives a 90 minute drive away, so don't know (or care) why he's around - h has nowhere to put him up, but I don't want him here for lunch, or at all. He is a nice man, but I don't want to be hostess and polite and basically feel uncomfortable I my own home while I am supposed to be on holiday. One of h's many 'issues' with me was that I wasn't 'open' enough with his family, and I know it will result in hostility if I tell him it doesn't suit me. H is also cat-sitting my cats next week while dc and I are away.

FFS. AIBU to think he should not put me in this position. It almost feels like a test.

Scarydinosaurs Thu 23-Jul-15 21:23:22

Could you say no worries, I'll have the DC ready to go at x time, I'm having <insert plausible excuse> done on the house then so have to be out, so I'm going to school to work, I'll meet you back at mine at x time.

Anon4Now2015 Thu 23-Jul-15 21:48:49

When he comes round at lunchtime have the children ready to go. Stand at the door - not letting him in - while they put their shoes on and then just usher them out the door asking what time they will be back and saying "See you later". Problem solved.

I wouldn't tell him you're going out. Firstly because you don't owe him an explanation, it's unreasonable for him to expect to have contact in your home and you don't have to come up with some reason for this not to happen. Secondly if you tell them you're going out he may well think it's OK to use your home without you there.

Duckdeamon Thu 23-Jul-15 21:53:39

Bit presumptuous of him if he's assuming you will host his dad, but
It sounds like you have quite blurred boundaries, eg he looks after the DC in the family home that he no longer lives in.

It might be worth doing the hospitable thing on this occasion given that generally you co parent together OK and that he has a serious illness.

Also think you are being precious about your "holiday". Time off is rarely truly work or obligation free!

Duckdeamon Thu 23-Jul-15 21:57:18

Oh and however badly he treated you in the past when your marriage ended (the cheating scumbag!) it's not really on to begrudge petrol/hassle/food when he was v ill: and presumably seeing their father benefited the DC too.

DoreenLethal Thu 23-Jul-15 22:08:05

Yeah, give the kids brunch, have nothing suitable in and usher the kids out as soon as they pull up, lock the door behind you and go out (even if you just go round the block until they drive away). Tell them a time you will be back in.

ScrambledEggAndToast Thu 23-Jul-15 22:35:58

Great ideas from other posters about just having the kids ready to go. You don't owe your ex anything so just be very brisk while he's there, no explanation required. Sorted.

crazytyke Fri 24-Jul-15 09:31:46

Agree with the others posters re having kids ready to go. BUT also think you need to play fair and not ask too much of him either. eg cat sitting is not his responsibility

CharlieUniformNovemberTango Fri 24-Jul-15 09:38:39

I would go out. Tell him you'e glad he's here as you've got some errands to run and will be back 3. Tell them they are welcome to fend for themselves in the kitchen at lunch but you weren't sure what his plans were so thought he might be going out to lunch instead...

Tweennightmare Fri 24-Jul-15 09:42:00

To be honest I think you are being a bit harsh . He is obviously quite happy to look after your cats for you next week but you won't stretch to a sandwich and a cup of tea? In the interests of good harmony I would suck it up as a one-off

AuntyMag10 Fri 24-Jul-15 09:48:07

If he always comes over to your place will he be in a position to take the kids out? Does the gf see the kids often? Tbh if he rarely sees them I would just give the kids lunch, and then go out.

AttitcusFinchIsMyFather Fri 24-Jul-15 09:49:53

I think you sound quite mean tbh sad he is doing favours for you (cat sitting) but you wont give a bit of lunch to relatives of your children?

TwinTum Fri 24-Jul-15 10:01:23

I think overall you have done reasonably well here. For example, he is the SAHP yet you have ended up in the house with the children. So I think you are mean to begrudge the lifts etc when he was ill. He also seems to do you favours like cat sitting and I am sure it is worth trying to maintain a good working relationship.
However, I don't think you should have to spend time socialising with him or his father. I might be minded to do it this time, but have a word with him that going forward he needs to come up with a plan for seeing the children elsewhere. Or alternatively if I really did not want to spend time with them, I might cook something cheap and easy like pasta or prepare a plate of sandwiches and go out and leave them to it.

Imlookingatboats Fri 24-Jul-15 10:01:41

I vote to not rock the boat.

TwinkieTwinkle Fri 24-Jul-15 10:04:09

I actually think you sound quite resentful . It doesn't matter why your marriage ended, he has ms and has been ill. He's alright to look after your cats for you but you don't want him in today? He moved out of the family home yet you seem to begrudge him coming to visit his children? Unless you are having to go out and buy a ton of specialist food just for him and his father, yabu. Also the petrol comment was nasty, he has ms ffs.

MarthaCostello Fri 24-Jul-15 10:15:33

It sounds like the lines are really blurred, to be honest. It might come as a bit of a shock if you suddenly don't let him into the house or provide food, when he is used to coming into the house to see the children and you have provided food in the past.

I can see why you resent all of this though, and I'd be dreading the lunch.

Could you go out and leave them all to it? Presumably he is alone in your house with the children when he looks after them, and you wouldn't have to deal with the family expectations.

But after today I think maybe you need to try and establish clearer boundaries. That would probably involve him not coming into your house at all, not doing favours for each other etc. Basically decide what you are happy with and then try and enforce it. (Easier said than done, I know...)

RedHelenB Fri 24-Jul-15 10:18:49

Make some sandwiches and then go out and leave them to it.

ImperialBlether Fri 24-Jul-15 10:28:02

It wouldn't occur to me to have them to lunch.

Send him a text and say, "Can you make sure you're here by 1 pm as I have to go out? The children will have had their lunch." If you send it today they will know not to rely on you for lunch (though why they would I don't know!)

AlpacaMyBags Fri 24-Jul-15 10:42:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

babybat Fri 24-Jul-15 10:46:57

If you really don't want to rock the boat, could you just leave them what they need to make sandwiches and tea and go out yourself? There's no reason why you need to stick around and be the hostess, just leave a loaf of bread, some ham and crisps and leave them to it.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Fri 24-Jul-15 10:49:59

I'd tell him you're going out when he arrives so if he wants to use the house for lunch, he'll need to bring some with him.

Scholes34 Fri 24-Jul-15 10:50:07

Leave bread, sandwich fillings and leave them to it.

ScoutRifle Fri 24-Jul-15 10:56:41

It's ok for him to cat sit though hmm

CwtchesAndCuddles1 Fri 24-Jul-15 10:58:42

I think you need to decide what you want as you can't have it both ways! ie it's ok for him to catsit next week but not ok to feed him today? You need to work out how things are going to proceed and firm up all the arrangements so that everyone is clear.

I would give him a sandwich today rather than rock the boat and get firm arrangements in place asap!

midnightvelvetPart2 Fri 24-Jul-15 11:03:03

Agree with others about your blurred boundaries, he shouldn't be cat sitting, you shouldn't be receiving his post & you should sort out proper child maintenance with the CSA.

Try to agree a regular time for his visits, a specific day & time if you can or whatever works for you. Stop offering to cook for him!

You sound afraid of his reaction & hostility if you tell him something that he doesn't like. You are separated, he can fuck off if he doesn't like it! Get more assertive smile

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