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To never retun the favour and change suject when this child asks to come to my house.

(16 Posts)
LegoComplex Thu 23-Jul-15 18:25:48

I know i'm probably BU, and I've seen on here before that people get annoyed when they invite people over with dc and they never return the offer and invite to their own house, but I'm just really worried.

My ndn asks me round for tea quite often, i'm a bit of an introvert but i usually accept, it's normally just with my baby in tow but today both our older dc are on hols so my 5yr old ds came along to play with her 4 yr old and 2 yr old. Her ds kept asking persistently about coming to mine and I felt really rude but i really get palpitations at the thought so kept pretending i dodn't hear or changing subject.

Reasons why are this boy is incredibly rambunctious, very boisterous, and really at that stage where everything is rough play. The last time he came round my house was left with toys flung in ever far corner, some broken. My DS has an array of carefully built lego models and i know these would be first to be smashed causing him great upset.

Another big reason is both her dc are very boisterous with my 3 month old, the boy especially charges him at speed and tries to get right against his face and is very rough. I have to use my body as a barrier or just lift the baby right up! Neither child listens to anybody.. so AIBU? I feel rude and I don't want to be a rude person.

DinosaursRoar Thu 23-Jul-15 18:30:50

Is there a park in walking distance? If so, pick the next sunny looking day and send a message saying "I'm taking my 2 to the park, would you like me to take [boisterous children] with us?"

So you've effectively done a return 'play date' just not at your house. Take some snacks and drinks.

Stop accepting invites over the summer when the oldest are at home. I have a list of DCs who I won't do playdates with again, but then I avoid accepting them either and tend to see the mums in the evening/during the school day with just the younger siblings.

DamsonInDistress Thu 23-Jul-15 18:30:52

I think you probably do need to offer one return visit, or stop going over to your neighbours. It is rude to constantly take their hospitality and never offer your own. Out the Lego models in your bedroom and shut the door, and perhaps just keep the baby in your arms for the visit. Make it a very short one and perhaps take them down the park or put them out into the garden as much as possible. Grin and bear it, and then perhaps reduce contract down a bit or suggest things like park visits rather than lunch in each other's houses - neutral territory.

DinosaursRoar Thu 23-Jul-15 18:33:39

oh and if NDN has a DP around, you could invte her over in the evening for a drink to make it less obvious you aren't hosting her DCs. Most people don't keep tabs, but would notice if you never invite them to anything, it doesn't have to be exactly the same as they hosted (a playdate at theirs).

LegoComplex Thu 23-Jul-15 18:34:04

ok thanks for the advice i guess you're right.. it's a shame really i have kids in my house a lot but they're normally well behaved, i always make sure my ds tidies up after himself if he's round another house.

wankerchief Thu 23-Jul-15 18:35:25

Take them to the park/cafe/ kids cinema showing

Doesn't have to be in the house but you should reciprocate in kind

TheAnswerIsYes Thu 23-Jul-15 18:35:57

I have a friend with a child like this and I've stop inviting him around. It's too stressful. The very odd occasion that I have had to have him over I remove DS's Lego and anything similar from the living room and confine the child to the one room or I put the children in the garden to play and not let him in the house unsupervised. Some of DS's toys do end up in the pond but it is still easier.

I don't really care if I come across as rude. I think the parents are rude for letting the little shit (he's started hitting my child now but has always spoiled DS's toys) behave badly.

The5DayChicken Thu 23-Jul-15 18:39:17

Rather than ignoring them, why not just say that once the baby is a bit bigger he can come over? That'll stop the mum getting resentful as it would be difficult looking after a 3mo and 2 very active boys on your own. And it isn't a 'yes' to the child.

Aeroflotgirl Thu 23-Jul-15 18:40:13

I agree, it is rude of you to keep taking their hospitality and nit returning the favour. stop going ifyou don't like her kids., or take breakable it's,s and put them away if you invite them.

The5DayChicken Thu 23-Jul-15 18:42:31

And YY to PP who say you don't have to host the same type of thing to even it out. DS and I frequently visit a neighbour who has 3 kids. I never have her kids over here...I just don't have the set up for it. But she comes over here alone for drinks just as often as I take DD over there to play.

LegoComplex Thu 23-Jul-15 18:42:49

yeah it's a good idea doing a different kind of playdate, i never hand my son over to her though if he goes over i'm there as well chatting/supervising him. Going to be difficult though getting round his requests, he's just really rough and listens to no-one, my dp has said to him before in the garden things like don't hit ds, don't squirt him in the face/don't snatch toys and he gets "you're not my mum o dad so i don't have to listen to you" and unfortunately his mum struggles a lot with getting him to listen to her

The5DayChicken Thu 23-Jul-15 18:43:09

DS? I don't have a DS! I meant DD smile

Aeroflotgirl Thu 23-Jul-15 18:46:10

Just meet in the park or on neutral ground.

ListenWillYou Thu 23-Jul-15 18:53:03

Do you have a garden? You could wait for a sunny day and host a picnic in your garden.

Another thing you could do is take a lovely home makes cake with you when you go to hers.

Do you always help tidy up any mess your kids have made at her house. If you are perfect guests then your neighbour might not mind.

I do think you should invite them over though. It seems a bit confused that you see her kids as too naughty to come to yours but not naughty enough for your DS to play with.

DinosaursRoar Thu 23-Jul-15 18:59:28

Keep an eye out for things going on over the school holidays at places like the library, local leisure centre, any national trust properties etc. if you are regularly asking of she'd like to join you at x,y & z, (that are v cheap or free) she might not notice that you've not hosted at yours... Then once the summer is over, ask her over during the school day for a coffee, assuming the 2 year old is easier to "contain" away from your ds's breakable toys.

LegoComplex Thu 23-Jul-15 20:05:04

thanks for the suggestions! and he is normally too naughty for play, they normally just play from in their own gardens and that already causes injuries and broken toys. today i didn't have much option at all to decline she pretty much told dc that i would come round for tea.

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