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To think there is no point to relationships/marriage

(85 Posts)
FlowersAndShit Thu 23-Jul-15 13:23:15

because most men leave, cheat or are abusive? I don't know anyone in a happy relationship/marriage. All marriages, especially first marriages seem to end in divorce. I just think, what's the point?

LaurieFairyCake Thu 23-Jul-15 13:26:25

I think it's about a third overall end in divorce and slightly less for first marriages - I think second marriages end more

So that's 2/3rds that do well/struggle through/go the distance.

I think it's remarkable that humans and other animals manage to live so successfully in pairs given how individual we are.

EatShitDerek Thu 23-Jul-15 13:26:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Welshmaenad Thu 23-Jul-15 13:26:54

I'm married, and my husband isn't a cheat or abusive, quite the opposite in fact.

That's not to say it's been smooth sailing but we've worked in things and come out the other side stronger (and frankly the bumps in the road were due to my behaviour, not his!)

TokenGinger Thu 23-Jul-15 13:27:26

YABU.

Most men don't. Maybe most men you have met do. But I think it's tO say that don't stand for a large percentage of the earth's 7 billion population, so it's a bit of an over exaggeration to believe you can use such a small data set to assume all are the same.

JohnCusacksWife Thu 23-Jul-15 13:27:47

All marriages end in divorce. Yeah, right.... [hmm}

TokenGinger Thu 23-Jul-15 13:28:05

Bad typo there. But I think it's fair to say that they don't stand for a large percentage*

JohnCusacksWife Thu 23-Jul-15 13:28:12

Aargh...formatting fail!

RayofFuckingSunshine Thu 23-Jul-15 13:28:54

YABU.

Some relationships are crap, some men (and women) are abusive, or leave. But not all, not even most, are like that.

FadedRed Thu 23-Jul-15 13:30:09

Soon to be arranging our ruby wedding anniversary party, Ndn's same last year, friend DPs just celebrated Golden wedding, so not all (first) marriages end up failing.
It takes hard work, tolerance, love and selflessness, but it can work OP, so don't give up.

gabsdot45 Thu 23-Jul-15 13:31:11

It's sad that all your examples of marriage have been so poor. There are plenty of happy marriages/relationships out there. I know of many, including my own.
IMO a good marriage/ relationship brings enormous joy to life.
I'm sorry that you haven't had that experience.

ghostyslovesheep Thu 23-Jul-15 13:32:09

YABU lots of marriages work

TinklyLittleLaugh Thu 23-Jul-15 13:37:12

All my friends are in long term marriages/relationships, I'm talking 20 years plus. All of us have had relationships of 2, 3 or 4 years in our early/mid twenties that ended though.

I think people jump into marriage and kids too quickly. You have more chance of success if you wait a couple of years.

DadfromUncle Thu 23-Jul-15 13:37:33

OP I have some sympathy cos I'm having some trouble finding a lasting relationship. My marriage ended in part due to infidelity on both our parts - ex beat me to it (!) not that it really matters but I didn't know until I confessed my affair.

I have been serially monogamous since, but I am not optimistic at the chances of me managing a Long Term relationship ever again.

Both my neighbours are in very long marriages but the way they verbally abuse each other as a matter of routine is one of the reasons I'm dubious.

DadfromUncle Thu 23-Jul-15 13:38:05

Maybe some of us just aren't cut out for marriage and relationships.

FenellaFellorick Thu 23-Jul-15 13:41:07

the 'point' of marriage/relationships is probably simply that most people don't like to be lonely and actually want to have someone to share their life with.

Yes, there are shits out there, but there are also a lot of people who are very happy, who love and are loved.

I think what would be good would be if people would stop doing 'a relationship at any cost' and be only with someone who deserved them. And stop accepting shitty treatment because they're afraid of being alone. I think if we all were willing or able to say you know what, this isn't working for me - then people wouldn't get away with being shits and still keep their relationship.

penguinsaresmall Thu 23-Jul-15 13:42:15

I have been happily married 15+ years and most of my friends and family are in happy marriages. I only know a couple of people who have divorced.

So yes, YABU. But nobody's forcing you to get married smile

U2HasTheEdge Thu 23-Jul-15 13:43:03

My first marriage ended.

My second marriage is excellent. We are very happy, even though we have a stressful life (who doesn't??).

If we go by the stats my marriage is doomed... 2nd marriage, lots of children, some from previous marriage, mental illness and grief. We should be divorced grin He hasn't cheated on me, I haven't cheated on him and neither of us are abusive.

I don't think my mum is cut out for relationships. She finds them too hard work and never meets suitable partners. She keeps trying but I think she would be much happier on her own in the long run.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks Thu 23-Jul-15 13:43:08

I honestly don't know what I would do without my husband. He has been an absolute rock for me throughout the last 15 years, and especially this year. He has held our family together through a year of absolute hell. He is not abusive, never cheated and won't leave me as he says he doesn't want to face life without me. I know not all men are great (my father included the nasty piece of work!) but I know a lot of good blokes, and I was lucky to marry one.

Battleshiphips Thu 23-Jul-15 13:51:33

Not every man is like that. I've been with my DH for 12 yrs, married for 10. He's kind, a great dad and my best friend. I know lots of other marriages the same too. To be fair though I changed the kind of man I was looking for as I realised the ones I was attracted to were not looking for lasting relationships. My DH was the complete opposite to previous BFs. Now I couldn't imagine life without him.

OTheHugeManatee Thu 23-Jul-15 14:08:20

YABU. Some relationships can be awful but plenty aren't. It sounds like the sample you've seen is pretty skewed sad

crazykat Thu 23-Jul-15 14:09:29

Yabu, maybe most men you know are cheats/leave/abusive bit that isn't representative of all men. You sound like a friend of mine who is always ranting about how men are all worthless liars, based on how she's been treated by ex partners, what she refuses to see is that 90% of her friends are in good relationships.

Some people cheat/leave/are abusive. My dad divorced his first wife because she didn't see why she shouldn't sleep around just because she was married. My parents were married 24 years when my mam died.

My marriage is strong and dh, while not perfect, certainly doesn't cheat and isn't abusive. My aunts and uncles have all been married decades and my paternal grandparents were married 60 years and died within weeks of each other.

I've also got friends and relatives that have been divorced and are re-married or happy single.

You can't say based on your experience that all men are cheats/abusive/leave. That's representative of your choice in men/male friends/company than the roughly 3.5 billion men on the planet.

ollieplimsoles Thu 23-Jul-15 14:10:19

I know not all men (or women for that matter) are any good, but some really are. When I really think about it, marriage does take work- compromise, faithfulness, patience and selflessness.

My husband is my best friend, he has been wonderful while I set up my business, and he has been amazing through my pregnancy. We were best friends before we started dating each other, I always say it really works if you are friends with them first.

nikki1978 Thu 23-Jul-15 14:13:02

Most of the men I know don't cheat, leave or abuse their wives. I have a few divorced friends but to be honest of those that have ended by cheating the number of women who cheated is equal to the men.

You have been unlucky I'm afraid or made bad choices.

Dh and I have been married nearly 23 years - still together, no divorce on the cards, no abuse. My mum and dad were happily married until his death.

It sounds as if your experience of marriage and relationships has been really bad, but not every man is an abusive cheat - most are decent, kind, honest human beings - not perfect, because none of us are - but well worth knowing.

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