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How do I confront my OH about this?

(117 Posts)
Madredear Thu 23-Jul-15 06:20:20

Hi ladies,
So last night I was being a snoopy dog, and just out of interest, looked at OH's texts page to see when I last texted him. However, I couldn't help but notice this number that he didn't save as a contact.
I opened the text, and in a nutshell, he asked if this girl was a shemale and the reply was yes. Then he gave her two pictures of himself (normal fully clothes ones), and she sent him a selfie of herself. I can't help but remember him saying: ''I've never slept with a shemale before but I think it's time 😁 x''

After that, he asked her if he'd have to come to her (she replied yes, and that she's staying at Queen's park). Then he inquired how much? She said 200. Anyway, the convocation ended when she asked when he'd come see her, to which he replied 'when I can afford you lol'.

I'm really confused.. How can I confront him about this, when in truth, I WAS in the wrong for snooping on his phone. What annoys me most is he didn't think to delete these messages, and his phone doesn't have a pass code and we always use each others candy crush etc so obviously he couldn't have been that bothered I found it hmm
Whay can I do? Is this worth bringing up? I know where he is all the time week days (busy working) and he's always home promptly. At weekends, he is always with me or fishing.

Madredear Thu 23-Jul-15 06:22:42

P.S I'd know all too well if he took a cheeky trip to London as 1. His boss drives him home and I see them coming and 2. We do 99% of things as a couple or with family and we always know what one another are doing.

Tanfastic Thu 23-Jul-15 06:29:02

You cannot say nothing. That would be the end for me hmm.

Take a photo of the texts. Then say to him exactly what you said to us...."I was looking to see when you'd last text me (when I came across this). Then watch him squirm and pack his bags.

However be warned, he will say he was enquiring for a mate for a bit of a laugh I'm sure.

What a horrible situation, sorry op confused

Alchemist Thu 23-Jul-15 06:31:04

I'd give him £200 and send him on his way.

I would not be able to stop myself confronting him. Snooping vs Shemale?
No contest.

scratchandsniff Thu 23-Jul-15 06:31:17

Is it worth bringing up? Ummmm yes!

I wouldn't give a shit that I'd looked at the phone. Just ask him about it.

He's obviously been seeking other men/women. You need to have a frank conversation with him.

Madredear Thu 23-Jul-15 06:34:18

I understand that what he's done is terribly wrong but was I not also in the wrong for snooping so he'll say 'well you're just as bad?!'

I'm baffled! He's NEVER done anything suspicious before, we've always used one another's phones etc, one time another woman messages him (he didn't tell me) and his rely to her message was sorry, I have a partner so please delete me'. This was on Facebook a while back. It's so weird for me because he's never given me a reason not to trust him ��

tumbletumble Thu 23-Jul-15 06:34:26

You seem remarkably calm about this OP. I would be devastated.

Tanfastic Thu 23-Jul-15 06:36:58

Even if he never "follows up" his enquiry, you will never be able to live with knowing he has this kind of sexual interest. How could you? You'd be forever checking his phone, watching his every move etc.

It would also be a complete turn off for me, If that was dh I would find him revolting after that.

sebsmummy1 Thu 23-Jul-15 06:37:24

This has got to be a wind up surely? You find texts from your DP to a trans prostitute asking how much for sex and you're wondering if you should bring it up with him? confused

Errrrm ....

Madredear Thu 23-Jul-15 06:37:25

He can hardly say it was for a mate, because not long ago he followed 'Cutie Shemales' on Instagram.

Spartans Thu 23-Jul-15 06:39:19

You say he has never given you a reason not to trust him. So why were you snooping through his messages?

Using someone's phone to play a game or make a call does not require you to go through the messages. You do this for a reason.

Aside from that, it was wrong to snoop through his phone. But to be honest, given the situation I wouldn't give a fuck if I was in the wrong or not. I would be kicking him out.

dilbert19912 Thu 23-Jul-15 06:39:38

You seem more bothered about you being rumbled for snooping than the fact your partner is planning to cheat on you!!

Madredear Thu 23-Jul-15 06:39:41

No it's not a wind up, and I understand I seem stupidly calm. I'm NOT. I spent the whole evening in tears of silence and woke up feeling physically sick. I've devastated.

I just don't know how to bring it up when I was in the wrong for snooping?

dilbert19912 Thu 23-Jul-15 06:40:08


dilbert19912 Thu 23-Jul-15 06:40:56

Cutie shemales grin did that not arouse suspicions??

fastdaytears Thu 23-Jul-15 06:41:06

Errr "just as bad"? For looking in his phone? That's like saying that shoplifting and murder are the same! Not accusing you of shoplifting but yes is not great to be checking someone else's phone but hardly compares to what he's done does it?

Tanfastic Thu 23-Jul-15 06:42:00

What do you want us to say op?

Ok yes you are as bad as him checking his phone, how dare you, that's right up there with plotting to shag a she male behind your wife's back wink.

No, it isn't.

You need to tell him what you've seen or you need to accept that it's all a very silly mistake and you were awfully bad for snooping and just accept he has this other life. Sorry to sound harsh.

LindyHemming Thu 23-Jul-15 06:42:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fastdaytears Thu 23-Jul-15 06:43:11

He honestly, honestly doesn't get to use this snooping thing against you. He might try but he's wrong to.
The Instagram thing helps actually. Just say that concerned you and then you had a reason to look.
Trying to cheat on you is appalling but fancying transsexual women is not as weird as you might think.

Madredear Thu 23-Jul-15 06:43:44

Fastdaytears, you're completely right, I'm just still in a frantic about this and my head isn't in the right place, so I'm just not making much sense. I apologize for other posters.

Where can I go from here? Do I say he needs coinciding, or should I pack my bags and go to Mum's? I'm comfortable where I am, but I know it's wrong to myself to stay

LilyMayViolet Thu 23-Jul-15 06:43:44

If this is real, and your response is rather more measured than most, I'd say of course you need to mention it!!!! It's now pretty irrelevant that you snooped. That's hardly as bad as arranging to sleep with someone else, not to mention the payment aspect which is extremely odd!

Tanfastic Thu 23-Jul-15 06:44:16

What did he say about the Instagram thing? I assume you asked him about it.

TwinkieTwinkle Thu 23-Jul-15 06:44:52

Why when he followed a page called 'Cutie Shemales' did you not get a bit worried?


catsmother Thu 23-Jul-15 06:44:55

'Just as bad ' ??!! ....... in the nicest possible way, please get a grip and don't try to justify what he's done by doing yourself down. People who are caught out by snooping often turn on their accusers and claim they're 'just as bad' which is utter bollocks ..... there's no comparison between betrayal and looking at his phone. He'd still be betraying you even if you hadn't looked.

He's contacting a prostitute (their gender, persuasion etc is irrelevant) .... regardless of you thinking you always know where he is, there's the possibility this isn't the 1st time and of course this also raises the question of whether he's met any before therefore risking your health.

He hasn't got a leg to stand on .... even if this was the first and only contact - which he'll 'justify' as 'a bit of fun' or a 'fantasy' or somesuch it's so bloody disrespectful.

You need to know what the fuck is going on - for all sorts of reasons .... is he happy with your relationship, is he seeing prostitutes, has he done this before, is your health at risk etc etc. And you have every right to know, given all of those considerations.

I know you'd like to pretend this hasn't happened - or at the least doesn't 'mean' anything but can you really live with this going forward if it's just brushed under the carpet ?

Madredear Thu 23-Jul-15 06:46:26

Okay, so when he comes home from work, how do I phrase what I'm doing to say? I know I'll have to include the Instagram thing, which I discovered yesterday evening.

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