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To be really annoyed with DH regarding school holiday childcare?

(47 Posts)
SisterOfTheVicar Wed 22-Jul-15 14:41:23

Until about a year ago I was a SAHM.

For the past year I have worked on a self employed basis but my work has taken off really well and I work every day during school hours and then catch up on paperwork in the evenings. So really I work full time hours. DH is self employed also and regularly works from home for a day or so to catch up on his paperwork.

DH has been fairly lazy now I'm back at work and can't/won't really get to grips with the fact that I am working now in terms of housework, cooking, childcare at home, and holiday childcare!

For each of the school holidays so far since I began working again DH has just refused to help with any childcare at all, and indeed seems to find excuses not to work from home, and refuses to engage in any discussion about childcare.

During holidays I scale back my work to doing as much as possible from home and then working at clients' premises for two days a week. However for these two days then I simply cannot take the kids with me, and I need to do these days to keep clients happy. I can't take six weeks off from it all, although I have taken one-week half terms off during this school year, and have generally relied on family and friends to help me out on the other days.

For this summer holiday I arranged for a childminder friend to have the DCs for two days per week but she has pulled out at the last minute and now I am well and truly stuck and have said to DH that he will have to take two days off per week to work from home so I can go to work, so that we effectively share the childcare and well he is not happy and is already making excuses about why he can't do X day and Y day.

He told me that today he could not do any childcare, yet I've found out this afternoon that he's spent the whole morning 'working' in a local coffee shop with a colleague. He could have worked at home and done childcare whilst he did it!

I just feel like he is going to keep fobbing me off all holiday, and whilst friends and family have offered to help I cannot put upon them that much for 6 weeks! DH just refuses to discuss it. I tried to talk to him last night and he just carried on looking at his phone and ignored me.

When he phoned just now and said he's spent the morning in a coffee shop I told him that from now on my work days are his responsibility to cover childcare, and that if necessary I will get up at 5am and go off to work to ensure he can't leave home before me to go off and sit and drink coffee!

I am so pissed off. Everything always ends up being my responsibility!

UniS Wed 22-Jul-15 14:45:09

Best phone round and try and find another childminder or a holiday club. Your dh isn't going to rearrange his work with good grace it seems.

SisterOfTheVicar Wed 22-Jul-15 14:45:47

I have tried and all the childminders and holiday clubs are full unfortunately.

bloodyteenagers Wed 22-Jul-15 14:47:18

And is redeeming qualities are?
Doesn't cook, clean,
Take responsibility for his children.

Might be better off without him. One less person to take of.

OldBloodCallsToOldBlood Wed 22-Jul-15 14:47:50

The problem is you're married to someone who seems to think childcare is YOUR job.

I think your 5am plan is good. I'm sorry he's being an arse.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 22-Jul-15 14:48:25

How old are the kids?

You found a right gem there, didn't you!!???

I'd just get up early one day and take my laptop with me and tell him you'll be back around 3pm and he has the kids.

cailindana Wed 22-Jul-15 14:49:14

I had a similar, though not quite as extreme, situation with DH. I told him when we split up I'd at least be able to work the weekends he had the kids, so life for me would be easier without him and I wanted a divorce. I meant it too.

The ignoring thing is disgusting. I couldn't stay with someone who did that.

8angle Wed 22-Jul-15 14:51:42

Hi OP,what exactly does he bring to the relationship? - he doesn't look after his own children, or help around the house.

When you try to talk to him he ignores you.

When he does talk to you he lies.

Is he angry that you are working - are you more successful than him?

OvertiredandConfused Wed 22-Jul-15 14:51:51

I'm married to a man very like this. I've sucked up more than I should because I wouldn't end the marriage over it. One trick that's worked is "teasing" him about it in front of family or friends. It embarrasses him into some action. Far from ideal, but it gives me enough, just about.

TheCraicDealer Wed 22-Jul-15 14:52:15

Sounds like someone's aggrieved their wife's little "project" has taken off. He doesn't like the idea that he's no-longer the main breadwinner and so has to pull his weight with all the time consuming/dull stuff which goes into having a family. Knob.

Do the 5am thing, park the car on a hill so you can coast off without even having to start the engine grin

MissPenelopeLumawoo2 Wed 22-Jul-15 14:52:34

Does he want you to work? I bet he likes the extra salary you bring in, but does not want to help you achieve it. I would call his bluff and say you are considering quitting and going back to being a SAHM due to his lack of co-operation. see how he likes that! If he really would let you quit rather than support your days at work I think you have your answer.

OnlyLovers Wed 22-Jul-15 15:00:09

What a tosser he's being.

he just carried on looking at his phone and ignored me.

Does he honestly think that's acceptable grown-up behaviour?

If you were joking about getting up early to leave him with the childcare, don't – actually do it. Seriously. If he won't talk about it you'll just have to land a fait accompli on him.

But TBH it sounds as though you have bigger problems than childcare. I agree with Craic that his nose is out of joint.

Euphemia Wed 22-Jul-15 15:13:36

He can't keep dodging this - who does he think he is?!

ssd Wed 22-Jul-15 15:13:48

he sounds awful.

BathtimeFunkster Wed 22-Jul-15 15:50:10

YA obviously NBU

What a complete wanker.

Do what cailin did.

If he is prepared to end his marriage rather than treat you with respect, then that is not a marriage you want to bring children up witnessing.

CPtart Wed 22-Jul-15 15:57:24

I'd threaten him if he doesn't start pulling his weight, the relationship is over and he will then be responsible for the DC 3.5 days a week including school holidays!

Dynomite Wed 22-Jul-15 16:01:25

I think he actually feels threatened by you. Refusing to do anything or even talking about it is not your usual 'man not used to having a stay at home wife anymore' behaviour. He really doesn't respect your work and doesn't like your new found independence so he's sabotaging it.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Wed 22-Jul-15 16:04:47

I would be more than "really annoyed" OP, I would be livid.

YANBU!

HotDogJumpingFrogAlburquerque Wed 22-Jul-15 16:16:06

Yes if I were you I'd just leave at 5am. It's the only thing that will make him realise his responsibility, I reckon.

TendonQueen Wed 22-Jul-15 16:17:50

YANBU at all! They're his kids. How dare he behave as if their care has nothing to do with him! Definitely do the leaving early in the morning thing and say if he's such a crappy father that he won't even make sure his kids are looked after, it's over and you'll be making sure everyone knows why.

contortionist Wed 22-Jul-15 16:23:30

Mostly YANBU. But - working from home and looking after children are two different jobs. YABU to expect someone to do both at the same time.

Topseyt Wed 22-Jul-15 16:26:14

I'd be very angry.

My DH was usually OK about doing childcare when necessary, but did sometimes need the odd sharp reminder to the tune of "they are your children too" if he tried it on.

My "children" are now 20, 16 and 13, so no longer needing childcare as such.

The problem that does remain though is that I went back to work just over a year ago now. DH likes to have the additional money coming in, but still doesn't seem to have quite grasped that I am no longer automatically available at the drop of a hat. Only about 6 weeks ago he said to me "I've arranged for XX to be delivered on Friday morning so that you will be in to take it". I replied that no, I would not be in because of course I now work again. He had to take the day off work himself to wait in for it.

Sometimes I am working from home, in which case fine, but often I have to go to the office too.

wafflyversatile Wed 22-Jul-15 16:27:53

Say to him 'if the only relationship you are interested in having with your children is making a financial contribution to the house they live in then you can do that without living here' and hand him his bags.

shebird Wed 22-Jul-15 16:30:39

YANBU OP
Why is it usually the woman that has to pester friends and family for favours, juggling everything around to make it work. I never hear any of my male colleagues fretting about childcare in the holidays. DH used to be like this until I threatened to give up work, he soon paid attention grin

Notasinglefuckwasgiven Wed 22-Jul-15 16:33:14

I would ( and did ) go fucking ballistic at this shirking of responsibility. Time to get the gloves off. He gets off his arse and helps or he gets off his arse and packs a bag. When he gets the message you aren't his skivvie he may buck up his ideas.

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