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to think you don't arrange an affair like travel insurance?

(36 Posts)
Ouchmybloodythumb Tue 21-Jul-15 09:49:06

I'm confused by the story about the Ashley Madison website being hacked. I had no bloody idea websites like this existed.

My understanding of an affair is that one gets caught up in a whirlwind of sexy excitement; one can't help oneself; one relishes the unexpected promise of an illicit break from the monotony of married life; one can't resist the flattery of a bit of unexpected attention from a friend or a colleague.
The old adage 'one thing lead to another' rings true.

With this in mind, who the actual fuck is on a website arranging an affair like it's travel insurance? Who the fuck selects exactly what type of human they'd like to have an affair with, when and on what terms. Surely, the unexpectedness of an affair is part of the deal. Surely it completely undermines the excitement and spontaneity of an illicit encounter if you sit trawling the internet thinking 'Who would I like to have an affair with?'

I speak as someone who has been an OW, who has been cheated on and who has cheated on a partner.

redshoeblueshoe Tue 21-Jul-15 09:58:33

hmm so your OK with cheating its just the internet part you don't like ?
Apparently one million users in GB

SparkleZilla Tue 21-Jul-15 10:08:42

i liked the meme or twitter that said

"6 million men and 8 women (4 of those are men) are really upset"

AlbrechtDurer Tue 21-Jul-15 10:12:30

Apparently this constitutes 5% of the married population. So, the odds are, we will all know several people who have signed up to this site, or similar.

suzannecanthecan Tue 21-Jul-15 10:20:29

Those sites are usually free for women but men have to pay so it will just be men who've had to sign up using their credit card details.
So actually 8 million men and zero women ‎will be really upsetwink

MsVestibule Tue 21-Jul-15 10:22:04

I don't think cheating is right, but yes, I can understand why it happens when you meet somebody you're really attracted to and you're too weak/don't want to resist. It can happen even in good marriages.

Maybe this type of site 'helps' people who are really bored with their relationship/sex life, don't want to leave, but don't have the opportunity to have an affair in the usual ways. At least this way, they know the other person is up for it and know that it will never (supposedly) develop into a full blown relationship where they have to choose between their spouse and lover.

WallyBantersJunkBox Tue 21-Jul-15 10:25:19

I signed up on AM.

But it was to see if my H at the time had put a profile up.

He had history of signing up to hookup sites so when he walked I'm afraid curiosity got the better of me.

I had no photo, bitterly sarcastic description and for a week I got 40 or so emails a day.

Those men would fuck the hole in a donut.

suzannecanthecan Tue 21-Jul-15 10:32:51

they've paid a fee so they just want to get a return on the investment Wally

TheCraicDealer Tue 21-Jul-15 10:33:25

I have quite a laissez faire attitude to the whole topic and try not to judge, but the whole thing just seems really, really seedy.

Most of us have been attracted to someone at some point, felt chemistry, been flattered, got caught up in the moment and done things which, in the cold light of day you might not think were a good idea. So an affair which develops organically(?) is understandable to some extent. But signing up to a website just removes so much of the human element; signing up to that is a definite decision to cheat with someone who, at the time of registering, you have no idea even exists. It seems like even more of a deliberate betrayal. Boak.

Ouchmybloodythumb Tue 21-Jul-15 11:14:55

TheCraicDealer That's exactly what I mean! An affair just 'happens' doesn't it? I think it's odd that people plan to have an affair to the extent that they join a website, put up a profile, check their messages etc.

Redshoeblueshoe No, I didn't say I was okay with cheating. What I meant was that, in my experience, affairs are, but their very nature spontaneous and unexpected (as TheCraicDealer said). Signing up to a website for an affair just seems completely at odds with this.

UrethraFranklin1 Tue 21-Jul-15 11:25:48

You are really naive if you think all affairs are epic passions that cant be helped. Maybe you just convinced yourself of that to justify your own cheating behaviour. Its patently untrue though.

wannaBe Tue 21-Jul-15 11:32:21

there's another thread in relationships at the moment where people talk about polyamourous (sp?) relationships where they have a desire to connect with other people, for sex, emotional attraction or both but while still remaining in their primary relationship. And obviously their primary partner is fully aware of this fact. I imagine that AM might be the type of site one would visit if one was inclined to go down the open relationship route?

Or perhaps someone who is in a sexless marriage might go down that route rather than resorting to use prostitutes (neither of which I think are great tbh but perhaps they see the former as better than the latter).

Fwiw not justifying at all bbut not everyone just falls into an affair, some people actively seek them, and I suppose that sometimes they may feel justified in doing so, e.g. if a partner can no longer be sexually active due to severe illness or disability for instance, and going to a website seems better and more up front (to the person they're cheating with at least) than potentially falling into an emotional and then physical affair.

It does seem seedy though, and I am more hmm at the idea that someone thought of it in the first place.

AuntieStella Tue 21-Jul-15 11:39:57

This one might be explicitly for extra-marital affairs.

But every OLD site is well populated with people who are not as single/separated as they say.

depositdonut Tue 21-Jul-15 11:44:30

YABU obviously OP.

And people aren't necessarily looking for what YOU think an affair is - they're just looking for sex.

And yy to what Uretha said.

redshoeblueshoe Tue 21-Jul-15 11:46:56

an affair just happens but it doesn't just happen
I know a few people - both men and women - who regularly cheat on their partners - they are always on the look out. I don't think it makes much difference if they picked someone up on AM, FB or whilst on their lunch break.

broomchickabroomchick Tue 21-Jul-15 11:47:27

Someone I know had an affair through a website like this. It (obviously) didn't end well for anyone even the people who became a couple as a result of their affair

Spartans Tue 21-Jul-15 12:06:14

I get where the OP is coming from.

An affair is bad enough when it just 'happens'. People meet and end up screwing over their partner. It's not ok. But actually pre planning it, not being fussed over who it actually is, makes it feel worse.

I disnt think those in poly relationships would use this sort of site as there are many sites already dedicated to this.

Ouchmybloodythumb Tue 21-Jul-15 13:16:25

And people aren't necessarily looking for what YOU think an affair is - they're just looking for sex.

hmm I do think an affair is just sex.

Spartans Yes, exactly.

Ouchmybloodythumb Tue 21-Jul-15 13:19:09

You are really naive if you think all affairs are epic passions that cant be helped. Maybe you just convinced yourself of that to justify your own cheating behaviour. Its patently untrue though.

No, no that makes affairs sound like some lovely whirlwind romance like some shitty French early twenieth century novel. All affairs are seedy and nasty. What I mean is that I'd always thought, imagined, experienced, that the very nature of an 'affair' is that it happend unexpectedly.
I don't need to justify my own cheating behaviour.

redshoeblueshoe Tue 21-Jul-15 14:27:46

Now I am confused - if you think an affair is just about sex then I don't get the problem with the internet ?
But then again whatever the justification of hacking the site I'm convinced it was for the bank details - and not to identify the people on it.

UrethraFranklin1 Tue 21-Jul-15 14:31:57

What I mean is that I'd always thought, imagined, experienced, that the very nature of an 'affair' is that it happend unexpectedly.

Ah come off it, you never for a moment considered that everyone is different and some people go looking for extra-marital sex? You've never seen a film or tv or read a book or a magazine or a newspaper mentioning such behaviour? I don't believe you.

SurlyCue Tue 21-Jul-15 14:39:06

I have no idea what the website is other than what youve said here on this thread.

However i have a friend couple who have an open relationship, it wasnt initially but it evolved over time as both realised that they wanted more from a sexual experience than the other was able to satisfy. They both seek new sexual partners online, purely for sex. Of course neither of these two are cheating however i am explaining how it is possible that someone would want extra marital sex without the "passion, whirlwind, chemistry" etc of an affair. Also for some they get the kick from it being forbidden.

EponasWildDaughter Tue 21-Jul-15 14:46:10

As someone upthread said -

do you really believe that everyone on POF and similar dating and 'hook up' sites are really free and single? hmm

Not in a million years are they!

This Ashley Madison site (and there are a few others apparently) is simply upfront about the nature of it. I cannot believe you're genuinely surprised that people actively go looking outside their relationship.

depositdonut Tue 21-Jul-15 14:58:42

'Not being fussed about who it is'

How did you conclude that Spartans? You can pick and choose online

Can't believe people are this naive.

OP - just because something is at odds with your personal experience, it can still happen. You must know this, what with being alive and conscious?!

depositdonut Tue 21-Jul-15 14:59:44

OP - did you just want to make a funny comparison with travel insurance? I reckon that's it. smile

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