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to want to labour alone? long post!

(26 Posts)
bluetv Tue 21-Jul-15 08:28:18

I have a dd who will be 6 soon and I'm currently 6 months pregnant.

With dd my husband was my birthing partner. Whilst I was in labour he let the family sit outside in the waiting room which was outside the door of the room I was in practically. Then after 16 hours the baby was here and I was taken to the labour ward. My husband had to leave as it was middle of the night. 3am. And I was alone with baby. He came back at about 12pm them I had a massive hoard of visitors at 2pm not once did he ask if it's okay if they all come as his families feelings are obviously more important than mine and they can't be let down or hurt. Anyway there was about 6 visitors in my bay me and my partner. ..that's 8. It was way too much it got to me and as a response I flew as apposed to fight. ..I pushed to be discharged hurried it all through just to get home for some rest. In doing so my daughter wasn't the best that night sounded like something was on her chest and her breathing was noisy but after a few hours it cleared and everything was fine. Also in my rush to get out and having everyone there I was not shown how to breastfeed. I tried at home by myself but couldn't do it.

So all this was my own fault. I should of stood up for myself and I didn't. I'm a wimp. I was happy for it to all go my husbands way and can't be bitter as I knowingly let it happen due to being a pathetic soft touch.

Irrelevant I guess but years later the families....mine and his. ..went on to say they could hear me screaming the hospital walls down!! His family. Mine said I sounded like a banshee!! And my husband said I was verbally abusive to the midwife in my labour. ....I won't lie this broke my heart a bit and it really hurt down deeply. The reason being is because I was actually really pleased with myself on how well I done. ..as I'm very wimpy...and I was proud I handled it all so well under so much pain and pressure..I'll admit I was in and out of it but I still was proud of what I done and what I could remember of the birth.

When they said all this husband didn't challenge them or anything but neither did I ( wimp again) but it made me realise that not once did my husband say he was proud of me or I was amazing or anything....This really hurt too.

Fast forward 5 years and I'm due to give birth in 3.5 months I said to husband 2 weeks ago I want to go into labour have baby. Come home then tell people we've had the baby. He had his labour last time I want mine this time (I'm not such a wimp anymore) he said I was precious and being out of order.
So again no support.....so um going to do it alone and instruct the midwifes I'm to have no birthing partner and no visitors at all. This will be my last labour so would like one I can be proud of and not have anyone there to hold up score cards or comment on how shit I handled it all.

This came to a head last night as his sister has just given birth...no one was outside her door judging how she was doing and also once she had the baby visitors were refused as she was shattered due to labour....so she isn't out of order for doing it but I'm out of order two weeks ago to suggest I don't want visitors. This came to a head really because I was insanely jealous her husband not only voiced several times how proud he was of her and how amazing she is but because he supported her and put her feelings before others. This made me jealous massively I lost control and had a massive argument with my husband. This also helped me decide I don't want him at the birth as I tolf him to weeks ago What I wanted and he said I was being out of order to family.
Aibu.

Other than this my husband is great in near enough ever way. ...His only floors are I feel he never supports or sticks up for me and he is a wuss when it comes to confrontation with his family so never does it. Other than that he is absolutely fantastic.

sausagechops101 Tue 21-Jul-15 08:37:18

You're a saint, how did you manage not to murder him during your first labour?

Have you explicitly explained to him exactly how upset you were last time and why?

DH never supporting you is a pretty massive flaw to have.

isambardo Tue 21-Jul-15 08:37:34

Show him what you have written here. You have my sympathies, being in labour was, for me, the most private thing in the world and having people commenting on how much noise you made is detestable.
Do whatever you have to to get the birth you want.

5madthings Tue 21-Jul-15 08:43:09

Yanbu at all, your body, your labour, you need to do what makes you most comfortable. If dh won't respect your wishes re family (wtf would they sit outside listening to you labour?!!) then he doesn't get to be there either.

Would you think about hiring a doula or come friend support you in labour? Only sometimes it can hep to have someone who knows what you want who Wi advocate for you in labour.

AuntyMag10 Tue 21-Jul-15 08:44:44

He is clearly not that fantastic if he allowed and continues to treat you this way. Do you really want to do it alone?

Bunbaker Tue 21-Jul-15 08:54:00

I don't understand why people tell their families they are in labour. Unless you need childcare you go and have your baby and then tell everyone after the baby has arrived safely.

The only other thing I can suggest is that you ask the midwives to be firm about visitors. Where I had DD you weren't allowed to have 6 visitors round the bed anyway.

bluetv Tue 21-Jul-15 09:02:17

Not really aunty but I just simply can not face the same thing again. I told him what I wanted 2 weeks ago and he said aibu. It's been 5 years and as I'm pregnant and his sister has just had a baby it's made me all upset and stressed to even contemplate it being the same as before. It simply can't be an option this time...This will be my last labour and I don't want to look back forever in jealousy and resentment.

Bunbaker Tue 21-Jul-15 09:05:24

You just need to be firm with him. You are the one having the baby. You are the one who will be tired and in need of rest. Can you talk about your concerns with your midwife?

Notso Tue 21-Jul-15 09:10:30

Check with the hospital. The rules changed dramatically in the six years between me having DC2 and DC3. It went from a free for all to being incredibly strict.

MissJoMarch Tue 21-Jul-15 09:14:43

Do it. I laboured alone for DC 2 and it was all good. Midwives are soothing presence and if your anything like me --pelvic floor muscle buggered--then 2nd will be much quicker

Don't underestimate how important a good labour is & how key your feelings are. Any way - a snuggly little newborn in a few weeks, bliss flowers

Idontseeanydragons Tue 21-Jul-15 09:18:31

Definitely not U at all. He acted badly during your first labour and needs to pull himself together this time.
None of that was your fault by the way - during my first pregnancy & labour I felt hugely insecure and scared in many ways, it's easy for some people to zone in on a woman in a vulnerable position and get away with acting however they want, and that's exactly what your IL's and your husband did.
You labour your way - explain everything to your midwife just as you did in your OP and be blunt with your OH - he was unsupportive last time and put his family over his own vulnerable wife and you can't trust him to act in your best interests.
Btw, I laboured with just the MW's the second time (for different reasons - quick labour and DH didn't get there in time). As supportive as DH is during things like that it actually felt better for me in a way that I still can't describe!

sallyareme Tue 21-Jul-15 09:39:23

Wow! He sounds like a charmer. To handle the first labour so badly could have been in experience on his behalf but for you too tell him how you want it the second time and for him to then say about how that's out of order on both your families ( as opposed to you) is down right viscous.

5 years you've been together and he still puts other people before you..be it his own family or yours he should be siding with you not them. If it's been 5 years and 2 weeks ago he said that he will obviously never change....sorry but true.

Advise....Once you have this baby save up some pennies and RUN.....or forever have others put before you by him....its your choice.

bluetv Tue 21-Jul-15 09:40:55

We've been together nearly 10 years.

sallyareme Tue 21-Jul-15 09:42:08

Run faster then!!

HelenMirrensHair Tue 21-Jul-15 09:47:49

OP, you and I have have very different definitions of the word fantastic…

You need to stand up for yourself, get midwives on side etc. at the end of the day you can choose who you (a want in the room with you and (b you you want to visit. You just need to be very clear to the midwives.

On a secondary note, why do you think a man who puts your needs/wants last is a fantastic husband?

Once you've had your baby and recovered, and I hope all goes well, you need to have a think about what you're getting from this marriage and the role models you're setting up for your children.

Would you want your daughter feeling like her needs wants must alway be last to either her/your extender family? To her boy/girl friends?

spicyfajitas Tue 21-Jul-15 09:51:39

You labour however you need to.
I had a home birth with husband mainly in the other room. I just wanted my midwife. No visitors unless invited by me for two weeks. Which meant his family got to see the baby when he was 2 weeks old.
I did this for lots of my own very good reasons and will never regret it.

Sometimes it might be helpful to have a birthing partner to help advocate for you in labour. Have you considered a doula? they should be very good at sitting in the corner out of the way and only stepping in if wanted or needed.

Also try to regrade the screaming like a banshee comment. Have you seen the video that is doing the rounds of the woman giving birth in the car? She roars and is extremely powerful. I'm sure this was you too.

spicyfajitas Tue 21-Jul-15 09:52:24

*reframe

IsItStupid Tue 21-Jul-15 09:59:25

YANBU

Show your husband what you have written here.

You are the one giving birth.

AndoverFoot Tue 21-Jul-15 10:03:53

His behaviour and their behaviour is outrageous. Seriously. Tell them all to shove it. You are not a wimp, you are behaving perfectly normally and nicely, like normal people do. It is them who are wrong. I feel quite angry on your behalf.

Spartans Tue 21-Jul-15 10:09:49

Personally I think you husband is a bit of a shit.

He isn't a great husband if he allows both your family and his to do this to you.

FWIW I was admitted to hospital as I was in slow labour for 10 days. They thought that when it did eventually happen i wouldn't be strong enough to actually push ds out. I went into labour my second night in hospital. Laboured all night alone, with mw popping in. At 6am, i called the MW as i felt odd and turned out DS was on his way out.

I was rushed to delivery and the called dh who arrived less than a minute before ds arrived. This was my second pregnancy and labour was loads better than the first. I always thought I couldn't do it alone. But i wish I had been on my own for my first. DH was a good birthing partner, but he is rubbish at hiding his feelings. I could see he was worried etc. Which caused me more stress.This time i just got on with it.

If we were to have more i would definitely do it alone.

Spartans Tue 21-Jul-15 10:13:56

Oh and DH got his ass handed to him by me, his dsis and dsis boyfriend a few days later when he said 'oh this labour was easy wasn't it spartans'.

I don't get on with his dsis, but she was really annoyed that he had an opinion when he wasn't even there to comment. This is why I can't get over how awful his family and your own were.

It was better but not easy.

DH is never usually so tactless. His sisters reaction actually helped us build some bridges.

mindthegap79 Tue 21-Jul-15 10:21:31

YANBU

elliejjtiny Tue 21-Jul-15 10:32:06

YANBU at all. You should only have supportive people visit you. My DS4 was born prematurely and with disabilities. I had a rule that only people who came to visit me in the postnatal ward were allowed to see the baby in the neonatal unit. So many people didn't care about me but wanted to see the baby and I thought that was so rude. Anyone who said horrible things about the baby weren't allowed in either. A couple of people managed to sneak through but mostly it worked. Good luck.

WicksEnd Tue 21-Jul-15 10:34:24

As him if he'd feel comfortable with your mother standing outside the bathroom door while he was pushing a melon put of his backside for 16 hours.
What a complete utter selfish pig.
YOU didn't do a thing wrong, you weren't a wimp, you were vulnerable and HE should have controlled the situation re the family and didn't probably because HE wanted the company.

steppedonlego Tue 21-Jul-15 10:43:25

OP, I've been thinking of doing the exact same thing and feeling the exact way for the exact opposite reason, and I'm not even pregnant with dc2 yet.

All through my labour, I was completely left alone. DH sat in the corner playing on his phone and ignoring me. I wanted my family around me and support, but nobody bothered with me for weeks after having dc, DH didn't even want to hold her until the next day. I've been thinking that next time I'm just going to do it on my own then I will at least know where I stand and the expectation and then rejection when I felt most vulnerable won't happen.

That being said, I completely sympathise with you, you're at the opposite end of the scale but YADNBU

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