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Another in law thread...

(92 Posts)
tangoisnice Mon 20-Jul-15 15:54:20

NC for this!

I had ds 7 weeks ago. At first both my parents and dh's were great, bringing food and supplies to the house while we were getting our routine set up. Now we are all settled and dh is back at work, ds is a great baby in as nice a routine as a 7week old baby can be. We have been able to do our own shopping and dinners for a good few weeks now (this is relevant!).

My main aibu comes in this. My family are the type to ring before they come round. And I mean usually the day before if not longer. This goes for everyone - we all live in close proximity but we all ring the day before and organise a time. This is just how it's always been. Dhs family are largely the opposite and pils and bil drop in whenever they fancy. Because of how my family are, this is quite a shock to me and I am not enjoying it! People keep turning up at the house whilst I'm here alone with the baby attempting to catch up on sleep, breastfeed etc. the dog goes mental when they come here and won't calm down for me when they're gone. I hate it when I am having a day home alone and am trying to have some peaceful time with the baby and they just descend. I'm not expecting a full days notice but they drive past our estate to get home from work so even if they rang as they were setting off from work and I had ten minutes notice I could at least put a top on before they're knocking on the door. Aibu??? How do I sort this out? I have poor social skills and don't know how to approach this.

As an aside and back to the food situation I am trying my hardest to lose a bit of weight before ds's christening in two weeks and have me and dh's meals for the week prepped and ready to go. They keep bringing dinners round which is great but it means all my plans are to pot! Either their efforts and food are wasted or mine are. I am a bit routine/plan obsessed and hate going off timetable, as well as feeling totally undermined by this. Please help me get round this!

Kavalier Mon 20-Jul-15 16:05:39

1. Get your DH to tell them to ring first. If they don't, don't answer the door.

2. Say, 'Ooh, thanks very much for cooking this, how lovely! I've already got dinner sorted though, so I'll pop it in the freezer for another time.'

Congrats on your new baby!

Crosbybeach Mon 20-Jul-15 16:08:21

I think its best to think of it as kindly meant, they are probably trying to find a way to help, and with their own family this might be the expected way.

So try and think fond thoughts about it - but yes, respond exactly as Kavalier said.

But you might be glad of the help in the future, so don't close doors!

tangoisnice Mon 20-Jul-15 16:12:48

Kavalier, that is so logical and brilliant. Thank you!

Crosbybeach thanks, I am trying hard to think of it in a nice way but it is tedious! (Ps I live right by a Crosby beach!)

spad Mon 20-Jul-15 16:13:04

Put the food they bring in the freezer. And let them know, nicely, you have done so.

The popping around. Get your DH to say it. If you think your tired and it is annoying now then wait until you are expecting DC2, and then 3.

Not wanting pop in visitors is normal these days with mobile phones. Particularly when you have a newborn.

They sound nice, I'm sure they'd rather you told them.

mojo17 Mon 20-Jul-15 16:13:04

Yep you need to get your dh to phone all his family that do this so that they all know and have no excuses to say they weren't told that they need to phone first, you love seeing them but need to arrange it first

tangoisnice Mon 20-Jul-15 16:15:16

Should also say that if I don't answer the door quick enough they BANG ON THE WINDOW!! With a new, sleepy baby in the house and a loud protective albeit tiny dog! So it's hard to not answer the door. They also have a key and let themselves in. Many a time I've had to interrupt poor ds' feed to put a top on!

Crosbybeach Mon 20-Jul-15 16:17:29

Congrats on the baby!

My in laws used to pop round on a whim, and they had keys and used them! They are absolutely lovely people but my DH had a word and now they ring (mostly). Hasn't altered the relationship, but was just different from what they were used to doing with his ex.

I, unfortunately don't live near Crosby beach, but have always wanted to go and see the Gormley figures and have never got there!

EatDessertFirst Mon 20-Jul-15 16:18:16

Congratulations on your DC flowers!

Just don't answer the door. Like you, I hate unnannounced visitors. I think it is rude and unnecessary. Get your DH to inform his family.

EatDessertFirst Mon 20-Jul-15 16:18:48

And get your key back. Immediately!

Metacentric Mon 20-Jul-15 16:23:50

Should also say that if I don't answer the door quick enough they BANG ON THE WINDOW!!

Tell them to fuck off. "Fuck off, you don't bang on my window ever."

They also have a key and let themselves in.

Get the key off them, or change the locks.

Tell your husband to speak firmly to them, and if he won't, do it yourself. If they take the huff, so much the better.

tangoisnice Mon 20-Jul-15 16:25:27

Thank you for the congrats smile motherhood is wonderful!

I just asked dh to have a word and apparently he told them yesterday not to just turn up but lo, they did it today! Definitely time to get the keys back!

ephemeralfairy Mon 20-Jul-15 16:27:59

The letting themselves in thing would drive me up the wall! I think that is so rude and actually really oversteps boundaries of privacy and personal space. Ok, they may be used to doing things a certain way but that doesn't mean they shouldn't be able to see things from somebody else's perspective. You are the one who has just had a baby ffs, your wishes should come first!

GoooRooo Mon 20-Jul-15 16:28:06

Just put a note on the door saying 'baby and very tired mother sleeping, please don't knock or the dog will wake us' and leave it up all the time unless you're happy to have visitors.

tangoisnice Mon 20-Jul-15 16:28:43

Meta grin I would love to tell them to fuck off, but don't have the guts and I'm terrified of the repercussions!!! Maybe I could say it in a joking-but-not-really way.

SquinkiesRule Mon 20-Jul-15 16:28:48

Disconnect the doorbell and put a sign up saying you and baby are sleeping and will torture to death anyone who wakes you by making the dog bark.
Your Dh needs to let his family know that all this dropping in isn't working they need to call the night before or in the morning to see if you're up for a visit.
My MIL used to call if she was in town, sometimes I was there, sometimes not, she always called first. Even my own Mum does (no babies now) she will text to see if I'm open for a cuppa.

Iggi999 Mon 20-Jul-15 16:29:15

Why put your top back on? If they are going to intrude in your personal space, they should see what that means! Don't make them comfortable when they behave like this.

GoooRooo Mon 20-Jul-15 16:29:19

Oh I've just seen about letting themselves in! Set the catch on the door so it can't be opened from the outside. Or get DH to take their keys away.

brunettebunny Mon 20-Jul-15 16:30:33

YANBU. I had a similar situation with my MIL after my son was born. The door would go, and lo and behold there she was 'just popping in' while I was still in my nightie at 2pm or something similar. It drove me mad, and whilst I understand it was well meaning, like a say a bit of warning wouldn't go amiss.

I agree with kavalier, get your DH to explain to them that they MUST arrange a visit with you first, for the (perfectly reasonable) reasons you have given above. I also found that writing a note and sticking it to the front door whenever the baby (and me!) were sleeping was a good deterrent not only for unplanned IL visits but salesmen, deliveries etc - 'baby sleeping, please tap gently' or along those lines. You could even leave it there all day.

Freeze the dinners they bring round in portion sizes and that's you DH sorted for meals for the next few weeks while you stick to your plan. All the best with it.

tangoisnice Mon 20-Jul-15 16:31:49

Not only do they let themselves in, they start going in the cupboards and fridge and all kinds looking for things, putting things away as if they live here and I just feel awkward in my own home like I'm somehow imposing on them! How do people do that? Make you feel awkward when it's them in the wrong?

I love the idea of the note, gooorooo. Writing it as we speak! Hopefully it'll ward off the Jehovah's witnesses too!

FelineLou Mon 20-Jul-15 16:32:02

Well they can't come in if you use bolts inside and they need to be told how they are inconveniencing you. You need to be firm now or they will get worse.
If you can get husband to do it and the door bolts - fine but otherwise they need to be told they are not welcome to do this. Knocking on the window is awful, tell them they woke you or baby everytime and send them away.
You will have to put up with mad dog for a bit but he too needs to be trained a bit by the sound of it. (When you have time)
Make sure they know that you have to put a top on and stop BF - little puffs and muttered complaints " Poor babyname she is still hungry" should reach them. In other words STOP BEING SO POLITE they are rude to put you in this difficulty. DONT let them have their way. Your home, your rules.

tangoisnice Mon 20-Jul-15 16:35:39

Sorry for all my xposts. Iggi I'm putting my top back on cos I am ridiculously self conscious about my post natal body sad and don't want them seeing me.

Thanks for all the advice. I'm going to get dh to be a bit more firm with them, I think he says it in passing and doesn't make a big deal out of it when he knows full well how annoying it is!

Pinkcloud6 Mon 20-Jul-15 16:37:43

Oh god I went through this...we have hysterics from mil, she just wanted to pop round whenever she wanted. ( she wasn't helpful just wanted to snatch the baby)
I can't cope with dropper inners we had a massive family feud over it.

If I was doing it again I'd shut the curtains/ put up nets and put a note visitors were asleep and I'd not answer the door....ever.

Your DH needs to have a word. It won't end well, they feel entitled to ruin your mat leave as the are selfish.

LaLyra Mon 20-Jul-15 16:38:57

Your DH needs to speak to them again and TELL them (not ask) not to pop in unless they've sent you a text first and had a reply. When you need/want to sleep/feed/shower/pee you should be able to do so without worrying that someone inconsiderate is going to just land on you.

Metacentric Mon 20-Jul-15 16:39:38

I would love to tell them to fuck off, but don't have the guts and I'm terrified of the repercussions!!!

What repercussions? If you're lucky, they'll refuse to come over. Result.

Not only do they let themselves in, they start going in the cupboards and fridge and all kinds looking for thing

Ask them to leave. "Please leave my possessions alone, or leave my house".

And to use the regular phrase, you haven't got an in-law problem, you've got a husband problem. He needs to tell them, in words of one syllable, to stop. His responsibility is to you and your child, not to his relatives.

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