To be annoyed with the best man for this expensive stag?

[Chipsahoythere]

Got word a few days ago that the best man (DPs brother) has organised to go to alas Vegas for DP's stag.
My brother can't afford to go but doesn't want them to know that he can't afford it. Many of DP's friends have new children and wives on maternity and I can't see that they could go either. I'm so annoyed and want to get in touch with the best man to make him think again, but I don't want to be the naggy fiancée.
He has said it's exactly what DP would want, but I think it's what he would have wanted about 10 years ago and not anymore.

[ThinkIveBeenHacked]

Does DP know this is what his best friend is arranging? If so, he can decide whether he wants fewer people there (and go) and maybe have a night in town a week before the wedding for those who cant/wont go or he can say to BM that he would rather do a trip everyone can afford/find time for.

[Chipsahoythere]

Just realised I typed alas Vegas. That is now the new name of Las Vegas!

He doesn't know, because it's a surprise. I think he would be really embarrassed and I just want to tell him. My brother is an usher and he is now trying to scramble some money together so that he can go (is a junior in his field and still on a low wage).

I just want to tell DP and get him to sort it, but I also don't want to spoil things.

I'm having one night out for my hen with a meal and drinks. Las Vegas ffs!

[MimiSunshine]

Ask your DP what remit he's given the best men. He must have given one surely and a ball park budget.
If he hasn't then suggest that he does as without this best man could go for a five night trip away when he was thinking curry and the pub.

If he says 'oh no he wouldn't do that' just tell him you don't want to be a spoilsport but he already has and at least 1 stag is stressing over the cost so the others may well be and he needs to step in

[TheCrimsonQueen]

I would stay out of it. They are grown men and they can sort this out between them - this includes your brother. Personally, I would be mortified if a sibling of mine had a quiet word with a friend (best man) about my finances or lack of.

I really would focus your energy on the wedding which is probably stressful enough. Leave the stag to them. You don't want to come across as controlling.

[Chipsahoythere]

Maybe I am controlling over this but I think it's a joke that they're having this big do which would mean people couldn't come. I think they've come at it from a perspective of having a lot of money and haven't thought about anyone else.

[midnightvelvetPart2]

Perhaps if your brother tells them that he can't afford it (& there's no shame in that) then more of them would pipe up to say they can't afford it either? Does your brother know any of the others, could he talk to them see what they are thinking?

I think your brother has to be honest, its not for you to intervene or to tell your DP about it.

[TheCrimsonQueen]

I understand the sense of concern you have but it really isn't your call. I also think it would be unkind to involve your husband to be when this is supposed to be a surprise.

I really think you should let this go for your own sanity and in part out of respect for his friends. It may in your opinion be a bad idea, but what is the alternative? You tell them what type of stag would be acceptable?

[merrymouse]

I agree with Mimi -ask your DP whether he has specified a cost for the stag do. Unless the best man is prepared to foot the bill for everyone, your DP should take some responsibility for defining cost and length of stag do as presumably he knows the attendees better than his brother.

[WorktoLive]

Someone needs to say something or else all the stags are going to be spending a fuck load of money and your DB might not be the only one spending money he can't afford, to save face. There's also the time off work issue and time away from family.

I can imagine a few days in Vegas must cost north of £1k per person, more if they get silly with gambling or trips to the Grand Canyon or whatever.

How about a compromise of a weekend in a European city? That could be done for much lower cost and shorter time away.

It might all come undone when the full cost/time commitment is announced to the potential stags anyway.

[CSIJanner]

So if it's a surprise, who pays for the groom? All the other members of the party who can barely afford the flights or have young families? Fuck that for a bunch of roses.

I would have a word with the BM as it actually sounds like his ideal stag instead of anyone else's. It's bascally like those many threads where the bridesmaid can't afford a hen over in the UK nor the exclusive spa weekend on the beach abroad. It's rubbish and selfish, only this time it's boys and toys. Because a stag in LV isn't just the flights and hotels. There's the spending money, the restaurants which automatically put service changes on if the party is over x no of people, oooh there's the helicopter ride over the Grand Canyon and even better, the shooting range where you get to try real guns etc. LV can escalate - been there, done it, had the credit card bill. But I had planned for the expense of it all. It's really unfair to expect others on scramble and scrape the money together with little notice which they don't actually have as surplus.

[araiba]

does a stag pay for his own do? or will the others be covering it for him?

[araiba]

also, stay out of it

[BathtimeFunkster]

"Controlling" someone is abusive behaviour and involves things like depriving them of money or making them afraid to displease you.

It does not cover seeing a massive car crash of a social event being foisted on your DP as a "surprise" and doing your best to help them avoid it.

That ridiculous Las Vegas stag is putting massive pressure for time and money on every stag on low wages or with children.

You think (correctly if your DP is not a massive bellend) that he will be embarrassed by it.

You absolutely should step in here. Better to ruin a shit "surprise" that could cause massive bad feeling than to sit on the sidelines and do nothing while your brother bankrupts himself to attend your fiancé's stag.

[merrymouse]

Agree about extra costs once you get there - is the BM the kind of person who would take that into account or has he just looked at flights and hotels?

[merrymouse]

Depending on number of stags, the combined cost of a stag do in Vegas could easily cost more than many people spend on a wedding.

[jackstini]

Also - will your DF be able to get a week off for the stag before your wedding and still be able to have enough holiday for your honeymoon?

Has anything been actually booked yet and how much is he saying it will cost?

[BoyScout]

I'd stay out of it, they'll have to sort it out themselves. Your brother won't be the only one who can't afford it or can't go. And, honestly, if he'd rather get himself into debt than lose a bit of face, then that's his choice. Not having money is nothing to be ashamed of.

[SunshineAndShadows]

I also agree you need to have a quiet word with the BM. Do you really want everyone in debt/stressed out in an attempt to join your DH's stag? Or for no one to turn up cos it's a ridiculous price. Sounds like the BM is getting carried away.

[TheCrimsonQueen]

If my husband tried to tell me where I could go for my hen do or a sibling interfered with my relationship with friends I would consider that hugely controlling.

I would hate to mother brother or husband over finances. They are adults FFS. If your brother (and he may be the only one) can't afford it then he should grow a pair and say he can't go.

[CruCru]

Argh! See, this really gets me. All these people will feel obliged to spend loads of money and use up loads of holiday for this trip.

[TheCrimsonQueen]

Maybe it's me but I could never be with someone who felt the need to be my mouthpiece on finances or anything else for that matter.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

Talk to your fiancé, it's the obvious thing to do.

[CatMilkMan]

I have no idea how you should enter this situation but his brother is royally fucking up, any event needs to start with a budget that people agree on.
Maybe you could mention something to his brother about the cost but don't tell him specifically that anyone can't afford it also don't tell him your DP won't like it even if he won't.
Could you just ask him privately what the budget is for the party and if he says ££££ or he doesn't know tell him supportively that he really should have a realistic budget.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

Crimson the fiancé doesn't know. The op is rightly concerned about this plan (and extravagant hens and stags are vilified by lots of people) and wants to flag it up to her fiancé. Fiancé may say wahay! I'd love a week in Vegas fuck the poor schmucks who can't afford it. She's not controlling him she's giving him a heads up.

[Chipsahoythere]

I think you're projecting a little there Crimson. I'm not anyone's 'mouthpiece'. My fiancé doesn't know what's planned. If I genuinely thought he would be happy then I wouldn't think anything of it.
And my brother has testicles as far as I know.... Nice thing to say though!!

I think I'm just going to say to DP did he have a max cost in mind and did he tell the bm.