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I can't get married can I?

(198 Posts)
HopefulHatter Sun 19-Jul-15 23:58:39

My fiancé and I have planned a whirlwind wedding for December. We've been talking about it for ages and I've been so excited for it. The deposits have been paid and it's just starting to all come together.

BUT

Tonight I feel like I've been hit by reality.

My fiancés mum turned up at our house having driven from her's (obviously drunk) because she has had a drunken row with her raging drunk husband (fiancés Dad) this is a regular occurance for them. Loud screaming matches etc. She is now sleeping in the spare room after getting more drunk with my fiancé. She usually goes to SIL's house but she didn't want her there tonight.

I feel like I've just been granted a glimpse in to my future. Fiancé has caused lots of problems with his problem drinking over the last six years. He isn't violent but he needs beer to relax, when he's happy, when he's sad, when the sky is blue (you get the picture) he can be verbally aggressive. He generally starts droning on about something you can't even make sense of or repeating himself and then getting arsey when you aren't listening. And he can never stop at a couple. Never. Once he's had one he will drink everything he can that's in the house, even my cooking wine at times. Then if he can he will usually find an excuse to go to the shop to buy more.

Over the years even though he has said lots about how he will change things only get better for a couple of weeks then we are right back to square one. Plus he says he doesn't have a problem because he doesn't drink in the mornings or every single day (he would and does when he isn't at work)

A couple of incidents have nearly made me leave. Once he got so drunk he started accusing me of having an affair and yelling that an empty beer can was proof (it was his) And the worst was when our daughter was born via csection. The day after we came home he got plastered, started swearing then passed out on the sofa. I had to carry my daughter upstairs to bed and pulled a stitch out of my Csection. One Christmas he accused me of offering his sisters partner a blowjob, that was when I was 6 months pregnant.

I feel like I've been sucker punched tonight. I've been deluding myself thinking that things will sort themselves out and they wont will they? I have a two year old daughter and I feel like I'm failing her. She's too young to notice now I hope but what about when she does start to see him drunk. I don't want her to grow up thinking that it's normal to drink like that.

I'd managed to push all my doubts aside but now my gut is really telling me I shouldn't.

Or am I overreacting? I know fiancé and probably his family will say I am. My family have remained very quiet about the wedding. Fiancé has embarrassed me a few times with his slurring and drinking at family do's before so I can kind of guess what they are thinking.

I feel torn between the life I want and the life I'm actually (will actually) live. I love him so much when he is sober.

Fuck

WoonerismSpit Mon 20-Jul-15 00:01:02

I think you know the answer already. flowers

Please don't marry this EA man.

Unexpected Mon 20-Jul-15 00:01:58

I think you have answered your own question. Yes, you have just seen what your own future will be like if you stay with this man. Think of this as a lucky escape.

On another note though, I'm not sure how a wedding which you have talked about for ages and which is still 5 months away can be described as "whirlwind"? How long have you two been together?

AuntyMag10 Mon 20-Jul-15 00:02:01

Yanbu and as you say this is a perfect glimpse of what your future will be like with this messed up family situation. Now that you know exactly what you're headed for its up to you to choose whether this is the life you want or if you think you deserve better, which you do.

ouryve Mon 20-Jul-15 00:03:10

Hell, You can't. No. Sorry sad I'm just glad you've had a glimpse of what might be. flowers

(because, I'm sure that even if you can forgive the rest, you don't look forward to having to clean the bathroom before you can have your bedtime wee. I like a drink, but I'm still talking from bitter, revolted, experience, there.)

honeyroar Mon 20-Jul-15 00:03:37

How horrible for you, but your gut instinct is right I fear. Things need to change. Even if you can put up with it (and I don't know how you have so far) you shouldn't for your daughter's sake. Unless he hugely committed to not drinking (like going to AA or his doctors for help) I'd be out of there. Hugs to you.

honeyroar Mon 20-Jul-15 00:04:51

Commits not committed

ilovesooty Mon 20-Jul-15 00:05:09

This must be a devastating realisation gorgeous you, but it sounds as though you know what the answer is.

I wish you you strength and hope your family will support you. Good luck.

AnulTheMagnificent Mon 20-Jul-15 00:05:21

I am sorry you have this problem, please do not marry him, it will not be a good life for you.

I know there can be good times but I also know the reality of living with someone who needs to drink to function. It doesn't get better and will suck the joy out of you.

ilovesooty Mon 20-Jul-15 00:05:33

Sorry for typo there. blush

WineIsMyMainVice Mon 20-Jul-15 00:05:38

Unfortunately no one can make this decision for you. But the mere fact that you are having doubts and posting them on here speaks volumes.
I think you already know what you need to do.
Best of luck to you.

Ledare Mon 20-Jul-15 00:05:55

Oh, OP flowers

No, please don't.

HopefulHatter Mon 20-Jul-15 00:06:16

I know I can't.

But the fact I've gone through with all the planning and everything before really coming to terms with this make me feel stupid and a bit of a cow. It's very daunting thinking of trying to explain all this to him in the morning when he wont really remember tonight and will say I'm overreacting.

I keep telling myself if I could get rid of the Jekyll and Hyde element to the relationship it could be perfect.

We were friends for years before we got together. I just didn't see it before we lived together.

Glitoris Mon 20-Jul-15 00:07:58

If you tie yourself to this man any further,your life will feel like shit.

You know that,don't you?

Separate,left him deal with his alcoholism,then maybe in the future things might work out.You aren't a proper couple right now anyway :you,him and alcohol are a threesome that just won't work.It's up to him to choose a better way of living.

HopefulHatter Mon 20-Jul-15 00:08:21

Sorry I meant whirlwind as in we had talked about it for ages but only started organising and booking everything a short while ago!

P.s I don't mind the typo it's nice to be called gorgeous ha!

wtfisgoingonhere Mon 20-Jul-15 00:08:25

No, don't marry him. In fact don't stay with him...

BadLad Mon 20-Jul-15 00:09:09

Unless you are extremely excited about and thoroughly looking forward to getting married, then don't, especially if the engagement has been short.

CalmYourselfTubbs Mon 20-Jul-15 00:09:11

jesus don't marry that.
life's hard enough without carrying a drunk and his alkie family.

Boofy27 Mon 20-Jul-15 00:09:21

No, you can't. If you do, you won't just be the woman who's married to the drunk, you be the woman who knew she'd be married to a drunk. Sorry.

HopefulHatter Mon 20-Jul-15 00:10:35

It is devastating, I do love him.

But I feel as though I d been running through life for the last few years with blinkers on.

Except for the times I've sat down and told him how the drink is a problem.

And he changes briefly, very briefly.

Pantone363 Mon 20-Jul-15 00:11:42

Run. Run like the wind.

Lweji Mon 20-Jul-15 00:11:47

What is most likely to happen is that he will become worse.
And if you even had children, they would be witnesses and you'd be left holding the babies.

It may be hard, but walking away now is the best decision you can take.

WoonerismSpit Mon 20-Jul-15 00:12:17

Of course he will say you are overreacting, that's the MO of men like him. They try and turn it around so you feel that you are in the wrong.

You are not wrong. What advice would you give to your daughter if she was in this situation?

Be strong.

AnUtterIdiot Mon 20-Jul-15 00:13:34

But the fact I've gone through with all the planning and everything before really coming to terms with this make me feel stupid and a bit of a cow.

No no no. Do not tie yourself to your fiancé and his alcohol problem because you don't want to cancel what is, basically, a party. My friend did cancel hers two months before and has never looked back. If it's not right it's not right and it really sounds not right. You will not feel like less of a cow if you wait until after you're married. flowers

CalmYourselfTubbs Mon 20-Jul-15 00:15:23

been there, by the way.
he won't change. in all likelihood, he'll get worse.

you'll have no money or anything nice either because he'll drink it.
expect to be poor, lonely and very frustrated, should you stay.
i reckon you'd actually be better off in the poorhouse on your own than to marry an alcoholic.

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