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WIBU when I said this?

(141 Posts)
The5DayChicken Sun 19-Jul-15 18:13:50

My oldest friends are pissed off at me and I can't work out if this is one of those things where I'm still naive because DD is still young. So I'm putting it to the MN jury!

We've been friends since our teens, I'm godmother to their (lovely) eldest DS, was bridesmaid at their wedding, etc. So we're close. After their eldest was born they obviously had a harder time coming to see me and since my DD was born, I can't get to them as much either. So visits are few and far between while the kids are young. They have 2 boys (3 and 2) and I have a 1yo DD.

Their youngest has always been difficult. But they've visited me today and he's gotten much worse. Mess doesn't bother me, nor do broken things and tantrums...Not avoidable with 3 young children around. But he's taken to hitting, scratching, pinching and kicking DD. DD is normally really very well tempered but during today's visit was obviously frightened of him. She's got scratches on her face and he even kicked her in the head a few times. I obviously took DD away from him and even ended up telling him off a few times myself, but the extent of the reprimand from either of them was just "Tarquin (obviously not his name), don't do that, it's not nice."

That's all. It did nothing...he simply ignored them and carried on. I ended up saying it was best that they left before he does real harm to DD and that it might be hard seeing them until his behaviour is under control. They got quite shirty with asked what I expected them to do about it and all I could say was 'more than you are doing.'

So, AIBU? Do I owe them an apology? DD was distressed and that's really not like her so I don't know if I'm overreacting because of that.

SantanaLopez Sun 19-Jul-15 18:15:06

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Spartans Sun 19-Jul-15 18:16:10

Yanbu. Wish more people actually dealt with these situations like this.

AuntyMag10 Sun 19-Jul-15 18:16:49

Yanbu, poor parenting from your friend if she allowed her child to behave like a brat and no to anything about it. She's got the huff because you pointed it out and she knows she's guilty of it, so obviously she's going to get angry and make you feel bad. No one is going to sit there and watch their child being scratched and hit on the head and be all smiley about it.

cariadlet Sun 19-Jul-15 18:18:21


Poor dd. How horrible for her. It must have been very frustrating for you to see her being hurt and to feel that nothing was being done about it. I wouldn't want a child like that around my dd unless I was confident that their parents would deal with the behaviour.

MythicalKings Sun 19-Jul-15 18:18:23

YANBU. You couldn't just sit there and let him hurt your DD. If they did nothing to control him and stop the violence then you had no choice.

NickiFury Sun 19-Jul-15 18:18:26

I'd have told him to stop myself if his parents were being ineffectual.

DextersMistress Sun 19-Jul-15 18:18:50

Ywnbu at all. And definitely not a bitch hmm

NickiFury Sun 19-Jul-15 18:18:59

Sorry, just seen that you did. I don't think you're in the wrong here.

SnowBells Sun 19-Jul-15 18:19:18

YANBU. Poor parenting.

ShipShapeAhoy Sun 19-Jul-15 18:19:27

I think yanbu. He was hitting your dd and you wanted to protect her. If the parents saying 'don't do that' wasn't stopping him, they should have taken him off to calm down somewhere, or done something else to make him stop. Your dd shouldnt have to take a beating and be scared in her own home (or anywhere).

SantanaLopez Sun 19-Jul-15 18:19:50

It might have been poor parenting, but you'd think if it was your oldest friend, you could have a bit more tact!

answersonapostcardplease Sun 19-Jul-15 18:20:23

I think you did the right thing abd brave to do so.

MrsGentlyBenevolent Sun 19-Jul-15 18:21:23

Toddlers are difficult, and of course you want to.protect your own. I can understand your reaction if it went on a while, and the friend wasn't being proactive in either distracting the child or taking them for a short time out. Possibly was a but harsh with the last comment, but if it was an 'end of tether' moment of frustration, perhaps next time your friend will try something different. Kids play rough, but that sounded a bit much.

Scoopmuckdizzy Sun 19-Jul-15 18:22:09

Yanbu I would've mortified if mine behaved that way.

I don't see how it was insensitive?

pictish Sun 19-Jul-15 18:23:47

Ywnbu and I think you were brave to confront it like you did.

SunshineAndShadows Sun 19-Jul-15 18:23:56

I think sitting there and watching your DD get hit/scratched/attacked multiple times was 'tactful' enough. If his parents didn't realise his behaviour wasn't appropriate at that point then they clearly aren't going to be receptive to 'tactful' suggestions. I think you did the right thing OP. Sometimes you need to be direct

Iggi999 Sun 19-Jul-15 18:24:31

"Their youngest has always been difficult" - he's a two year old ffs. Of course you were right to protect your dd from the behaviour, but you clearly don't think much of the little boy.

bloodyteenagers Sun 19-Jul-15 18:24:31

There was lots more that they could have done, rather than the half arsed don't do that.
If they don't want to parent effectively then they aware
Going to have to get used to people commenting.

The5DayChicken Sun 19-Jul-15 18:24:32

I couldn't muster any more tact in that moment Santana...'more than you are doing' was a stand in for me telling them how to parent.

alwaysabattle Sun 19-Jul-15 18:24:53

He is 2 they are maybe really struggling. And if his behaviour turns out to be something else ie sen or something how bad will you feel then. I totally agree his behaviour was out of order but why not talk to your friend see if there's anything you can do to help and give some advice instead of been so judgmental. There comment on what do you think they should do was maybe due to them been at the end of their tether and actually wanting some help.

Imnotaslimjim Sun 19-Jul-15 18:25:54

YANBU at all. I wish more people stood up for themselves like that. Your poor DD, I hope she's feeling more settled. You were far from being a bitch, she needed telling.

GeorgeYeatsAutomaticWriter Sun 19-Jul-15 18:25:59

I think it wasn't so much the 'more than you were doing' but the asking them to leave that was the part bordering on rudeness. Perhaps understandable, mind you.

SantanaLopez Sun 19-Jul-15 18:26:32

I think 'more than you're doing' is a horrible thing to say to your oldest friend.

Littlef00t Sun 19-Jul-15 18:26:36

Yanbu. My 1 yo can be a bit bitey when she's teething and even at her age I say no firmly and remove her from the situation for a bit. There's defintely more you can do at his age.

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