to consider cutting her out my life already?!(34 Posts)
Long post apologies.. also trigger warning..
Younger half sister and I have only just got in touch with each other after years. Weren't in touch due to parents falling our when we were kids. Her mum was horrible to me as a child and I was terrified of her, which was noticed by some of the family. Sister doesn't know about this as she was only a baby when it happened and I don't plan on her knowing as it's in the past.
Anyway, I treated her to a spa day yesterday, and the whole day I felt so uncomfortable at the remarks she was making, alarm bells ringing in my head:
- She was rude about a hen party that was there, clearly enjoying themselves and relaxing not doing any harm, but started calling them "stupid b******"
-She was rude about the waitress in the cafe, describing her as "condescending" and "useless" at her job.
-Complaining about her OH's family, also saying how she doesn't like them and they hate her, but she doesn't care.
-Making snide comments about our grandma (who was my guardian for 8 years and on the side of the family my half sister wasn't in contact with).
I snapped at her at this point saying our grandma only has love for her and is elderly and would like to have a relationship with her and she should not make comments like that and make assumptions. (I never get angry like this).
There are more, snide subtle comments she makes towards me and my OH.
Now this is the biggy, I've been struggling with anxiety and depression since a mc a few months earlier, and it is something that only a few people know about:
-Earlier on in the day before going to spa, my OH and I pop into his work to collect some paperwork and she comes in with us. She brings up the mc in front of my OH's work colleagues, asking "when are you going to try and get pg again?" and other questions. I'm completely floored by this and could tell my OH's colleague heard but busied themselves trying not to listen. OH came over talking about something else before I could respond.
Today I'm upset, and feeling more anxious than ever I've no idea how to deal with this going forward. She is very similar to her mum.
It sounds ridiculous, but I'm actually a bit scared of my younger sister.
Do I tell her everything and give her some home truths about her behaviour and risk other family members getting involved?
Do I just ignore and and carry on meeting up hoping she'll mature?
Do I close the door before I get hurt?
How do I respond to her offensive remarks?!
Our family is very mish mash and disjointed and it hurts me to think I can't even get along with my sister, I've always been a very passive person but she's making me angry. Any advice?
TL;DR: sister and I back in touch not talked since childhood, she's not very nice, makes me feel bad, mean about others, not sure whether to cut all contact before it gets super ugly.
I just wouldn't meet her again.
I don't see the point.
You don't like her, she doesn't sound nice, you have no bond - what's the point? Why invite that into your life? I mean, she's genetically linked to you but she's not a sister to you.
Yes I wouldn't bother in the future do you really want to be around someone so toxic and vicious? Ask yourself if you just randomly met someone like her would you be friends? Just because you're related doesn't give a person the right to act like this. Sorry if I sound harsh op I have cut out several toxic family members and feel so much better I just wish I had done it sooner. Best of luck op
I'd not proceed with the relationship after reading your OP.
She sounds negative and draining, nasty about people she knows nothing about, bitched about her Inlaws and your Grandma and asked deeply personal questions in front of strangers.
Not someone I'd be comfortable forming a bond with.
Yanbu op, she doesn't sound like a very nice person. Actually quite
Ugly. Just because you are related it doesn't mean that you have to have a relationship with her. What she did at your dh workplace was really unforgivable. It sounds like she knew exactly what she was doing by making a big show of asking such questions. Any normal, caring person let alone a close family member would not think of doing something like that. As you said , she sounds terrible like her mother so just cut her out and don't look back.
Let it rest for a while, send birthday and Christmas cards to keep the door open, check back in a few years' time to see if she has matured a bit (this obviously depends on her age, quite likely if she's 19, perhaps less so if 35).
I am sorry about your situation, it sounds really unpleasant.
Your sister clearly didn't appreciate your spa day gift so I imagine you wont be treating her again, to anything?
I would be disengaging with this person completely if she is unwilling to listen to anything you have to say. how did she respond when you told her about your grandma?
it is a shame you cannot get along with a sibling, but can you keep her at arms length and see only once in a while?
If she thinks you are going to be a soft touch and too passive then she may take this as an excuse to bully you all the more. Unless you put your foot down firmly?
Back off and let her make someone else's life miserable.
Thanks for your replies - She is 21, I'm 23, I feel that she's emotionally immature so didn't want to burn all bridges in case things improve with age!
But I am really considering just cutting ties, but f* knows how to go about it. It will turn nasty and I wouldn't put it past her to spread rumours about me to other family members
just don't contact her again. if she contacts you be polite, and friendly, but don't get drawn in.
you are under no obligation to like your sister, or to socialise with her.
Thanks atonofwashing - I didn't get a proper thank you for the spa day you are right, i'm not sure she is so grateful for it!
I can be a soft touch, which is why I don't want her ruling my life, she's been trying to convince me to spend two weeks on holiday with our OH's and won't take no for an answer, but I won't be going.
When I snapped at her about the grandma comment she just went very quiet, we were in the car with my OH and I just continued talking to him for a bit like nothing had happened.
You could just make sure you see her very occasionally and then for a short time. A lunch 3 times a year?
Yes, people do often grow up and mellow over the years. You are both still very young. (oh those were the days!) Emotional immaturity is tricky to deal with, and much patience will be required. Keep a cool head, be firm, polite, keep your head down and spend time with the family members and friends you hold dear.
That's my opinion anyway. Best of luck, OP.
I was emotionally immature at 21, but I wasn't a bitch. I don't think age is an excuse. She sounds plain nasty.
You won't get any pleasure from meeting up with her so what's the point? There are no rules saying you must have a relationship just because you are blood relatives.
I'd just slowly filter her out. Make yourself unavailable whenever she wants to meet up but if you do meet up and she's bitchy about other people then call her on it, it might actually make her change for the better.
If she has couselling to help with the upbringing she had, I would stay in touch. If she continues in adulthood to behave as her Mother does I would dump her, too toxic.
Hi thanks for the replies, you are right, I don't remember ever being nasty about people when I was younger. I'm actually starting to think she might have some kind of personality disorder! She can't seem to show empathy for anything.
I will try and distance myself but on fb she posts a lot on my wall calling us "best friends" etc. I don't really use fb a lot but I always reply to her...maybe I shall stop.
Howd I do think she has issues to talk about in regards to not being able to build a relationship with her real dad, but her upbringing was pretty normal from what I've heard with no deep upheavals, her dad left when she was too young to remember and she's had a solid loving step father since then.
Should I mention counselling or leave her to figure it out on her own?
A nasty person like that would take very badly to the suggestion they could use counselling.
Unfriend her on Facebook or just block her so you don't see her comments, and consequently won't feel the need to respond.
"Only just got back in touch" and she's already calling you both "best friends". That's extremely presumptuous of her. And not a good signal.
Just be vague if she contacts you again. You can body-swerve her without being direct about the fact that you don't want to see her. I wouldn't have this bitch within a hundred miles of me.
I don't about cutting ties, but you should put some distance there, at least for the moment. She doesn't sound so bad to me, just inappropriate. My dd loves her grandmother for very good reasons while her half-sister hates their grandmother because she was taught to do so by her mum. It is uncomfortable for my dd and they don't have a close relationship, but they keep in touch.
OP I think your sister is exhibiting learned behaviours from your mother and this is (understandably, based on your account of your upbringing) triggering the fear and anxiety you feel around her.
Your sister might really benefit from the truth about your family situation but now is not necessarily the right time.
If you are trying to conceive and have been suffering from depression you absolutely must put yourself and your OH first. Do what is going to help your own mental health and recovery, and I think this means putting a bit of distance between you and your sister. Try and do this with as little confrontation as possible and leave the door open for later on....
Be kind to yourself first and foremost.
She won't react well to being told to go to counselling.
I would block people from posting on your wall without you approving and block her from seeing anything you post from now on so she can't respond.
Have little to do with her, until she sorts herself out. This may take, two months, twenty years or never happen.
She does sound toxic.
I would either put some distance between you and her but leave the door open-hoping she will mature.
OR and probably what i would do:
Contact her directly- tell her that you didnt like some of her comments -importantly talking inappropriately about your MC. I would be very tempted to put it in a letter to her. Frame it in a spirit of - i'd like us to have a relationship/friendship but in order for us to do this we need to clarify what is acceptable - if you still think it's ok i dont think we can have a r/s
"". I'm actually starting to think she might have some kind of personality disorder! She can't seem to show empathy for anything.""
Emotional damage presents as a PD.
Your both Victims of a damaged childhood, also if you were taken out of the abusive household, by your GM, but she wasn't, there's going to be a clash of viewpoints.
Honesty, is what's needed, even if it ends contact, or this will continue to the next generation.
You need to make protecting yourself and removing negative/toxic behaviour from your life, a priority.
I was a CP SW and really Blood Ties aren't what makes a family, or what's important, it's the effect we have in each other.
Also if she does start causing gossip/ unpleasantness in your family, you can just smile(sphinx like) and say-ah but you won't have seen the letter....and say nothing else. Or if pressed - amomgdt otjerother things she insisted on talking loudly about my miscarriage and other very personal things in front of colleagues.
Then say nothing... You don't have to justify yourself.
Hopefully she will sincerely apologise, if not i think you have your answer.
thanks for all your replies, helping me feel a bit better
She's very close to her mum and wasn't abused herself, it was just me as a youngster, I never lived with her mum/my step mum, it was when I went to visit them.
I was going to write her a letter, just being concerned about her, but..
She sent me a snarky text yesterday concerning my reasoning for not being able to attend a family do, accusing me of lying, which just sent me over the edge and I told her how I felt.
She denied everything, at first she denied bringing up the mc, then she said it was the colleagues fault for listening in! And I bought up the comments she made about the hen party and the waitress and she replied "I said nothing about anyone there".
She then made comments like "so I've just intruded on your life then?" and ignored me when I asked if she thought it was acceptable behaviour. She didn't apologise and just said she was p*** off
So I've blocked her off my phone and fb.
Floored, again. She's making me doubt my own version of events,
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