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To think my brother's behaviour is unreasonable

(12 Posts)
Bluejellycake Sat 18-Jul-15 20:34:39

Just wanted to get other people's opinion on this one. I personally think my brother's behaviour and the way he lives his life is unreasonable, but what do you think...?

He's 36 and he has an 8yo DS who he has full custody of. He was renting a 4 bedroom house when he was living with his wife and her DCs from previous relationships. Long story short, they broke up, he got full custody and he started seeing someone else shortly after, who swiftly moved into his house. She turned out to have a problem with alcohol and 18 months later he caught her in a compromising position with another man in the sex club that she was running. Her lifestyle was obviously not good for my nephew because my brother was frequently going out in the early hours of the morning to pick her up from work, dragging my nephew with him.

So after they broke up my parents suggested he move in with them, give up the rental on the 4 bed house and save up for a deposit on a nice little house for him and his DS. My brother earns a good salary so they thought perhaps 12 month living with them would give him a good chance to save. They also help with childcare. BUT since he has lived with them he is hardly ever at home. He goes out 2 to 3 times a week. At first he used to go home at about 2am, but he has started not coming home til 7am the next morning. He has met someone else (who he told my parents he wasn't attracted to when he first met her at his social club thingy he goes to). So it seems they are an item now. I couldn't care less who he goes out with but I do think he should be spending more time and effort with his young DS, not chasing women and staying out all night! My parents look after my nephew most of the time now, which they don't mind, but they are fed up that he is not saving any money. He's lived with them for 6 months now and hasn't saved a penny. We know this because my dad asked how much he'd saved and he said nothing.

I say, if my brother was a woman, and was my nephew's mum, it would be totally unacceptable to be going out and staying out so much. My nephew even said to him tonight "Daddy, please don't go out tonight, why do you go out all the time?" And he still went out. When my mum texted me and told me this my heart just broke for him. His own mother never sees him and he hardly sees his dad either.

What do you think about this? And yes I have told my parents to give him ultimatums etc, but my brother doesn't take them seriously and just carries on doing what he does.

UrethraFranklin1 Sat 18-Jul-15 20:45:06

I say, if my brother was a woman, and was my nephew's mum, it would be totally unacceptable to be going out and staying out so much.

Of course it would. Same as when he is a man and a father. Gender doesn't come into it.
Your parents need to stop enabling him.

Bluejellycake Sat 18-Jul-15 20:47:41

I totally agree Urethra.

Glitoris Sat 18-Jul-15 20:47:56

'Your parents need to stop enabling him.


BarbarianMum Sat 18-Jul-15 20:53:06

'Your parents need to stop enabling him.'

Not sure I agree sadly. If he's a crap dad maybe they can provide their grandson with a loving, stable home. Poor kid doesn't seem to be much of a priority for either parent.

CombineBananaFister Sat 18-Jul-15 20:55:06

Totally shit - yes it's hard on your own (male or female) but you have another person depending on you and I'm all for independent adult time but he's taking the piss. Your mum and dad need to give a time-frame with deadlines and expectations. Have fun by all means but the kid comes first sad

RonaldMcDonald Sat 18-Jul-15 21:01:19

it is up to your parents

they must set their own boundaries and stick to them

ask you mum to stop texting you all the gory and upsetting details if they are unwilling to do so.
Often parents get siblings to enforce or push through difficult topics and then when asked they shy away from their part in it leaving the sibling to look like a monster

Bluejellycake Sat 18-Jul-15 21:02:27

I forgot to mention, but he's got a nasty temper too. They've had so many arguments since he moved in with them and he shouts at his DS all the time. He does take him for days out but it's not enough. He never does the day to day parenting that my nephew needs and wants.

Bluejellycake Sat 18-Jul-15 21:05:38

Ronald, I haven't spoken to my brother in well over a year, so I'm not getting involved. I just get so frustrated with my parents being soft. But they do provide stability and consistency and love for my nephew. He is very well looked after despite not having his actual parents around much.

RonaldMcDonald Sat 18-Jul-15 21:15:56


your parents are adults and presumably have nothing preventing them from making their own decisions <if there is dementia etc maybe you should get involved>
they have everything at their fingertips to enable them to put boundaries in place and give him a date where he will have to leave
they aren't and haven't and that is their decision

RonaldMcDonald Sat 18-Jul-15 21:20:16

also blue

it feels as though you have a lot to say in terms of how your brother should behave and how he should parent
there is nothing to say that he need behave in a way that you decide is appropriate - also as you never see him or speak with him you only have this on your mother or father's say so?
perhaps their opinion, given the circs, isn't objective and has become 'and another thing...'

CakeLady1 Sat 18-Jul-15 21:34:37

Sounds like he has almost handed over custody to your parents, if he can't be arsed to look after the boy himself

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