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That you should do a job you don't like for the good of the family?

(178 Posts)
Wrongornot Sat 18-Jul-15 16:23:04

DH left old job 6 months ago.

Old Job:

Reasonable money
40 miles each way commute
Starts of 4am
Works 5 over 7 inc weekend never 2 days off together
Physical job

New job:

Works 4 on 4 off
50% payrise on previous job
8am - 6pm
10 miles commute
Desk job

He has just told me that he is going back to his old job as of next week.

I hit the roof. It will mean less money (to the point we will struggle, esp due to petrol cost), less time (need to go to bed very early), I will be by myself with DCs in the morning again, I can't stay away from home for my job as he is away at 3am, meaning I am not going to progress in my career, he is not getting any younger and the job is very physical. He will be stuck in this job forever more as I would imagine he would be too scared to ever try anything new again.

However, he says he hates new job but can't quite say why. Mainly down to being in an office environment with a bit more responsibility. He has had nothing but praise and his new employers and very upset and can't understand why he is leaving. Neither can I - AIBU?

PourquoiTuGachesTaVie Sat 18-Jul-15 16:25:22

Have you ever been in a job you hate? Yabu.

StillStayingClassySanDiego Sat 18-Jul-15 16:26:23

No you're not being unreasonable.

Is he anxious by nature, worried about decision making and holding a responsible position?

wannabestressfree Sat 18-Jul-15 16:27:52

I think its very selfish of him and would be pissed off too.

ilovesooty Sat 18-Jul-15 16:27:56

If you'd ever been in a job that made you really unhappy you might be more understanding. He should have discussed it with you though.

ilikebaking Sat 18-Jul-15 16:28:13

He is thinking about himself- not about the family.
I think HIBU, I have worked jobs I have hated for months on end to provide for my family and support my DH through his final year of degree.
He should have spoken to you about this, he is essentially trapping you because of his choices.
I would have hit the roof too. Maybe you are being unreasonable, but does that make you wrong... no!

Wrongornot Sat 18-Jul-15 16:28:17

I don't love my job - does anyone?

Even if you really hated it, only working 4 days sure you could get through that for the benefits?

Please enlighten me, because I really don't understand and wish I did. I am being horrible to him for selfish reasons, the last 6 months have been the best ever, so much time and money that we never had before, I am v.upset at loosing that.

MrsEvadneCake Sat 18-Jul-15 16:29:02

I worked for ten years in s job I hated because it was better for the DC. It was awful but they came first.

I would ask him to give it another six weeks. Especially because it'll make you struggle financially. If he still isn't happy then talk again.

Wrongornot Sat 18-Jul-15 16:29:13

x posts, thank you for making me feel a bit better about my rage!

Spartans Sat 18-Jul-15 16:29:28

Yanbu but neither is he. Going to a job you hate, regardless of perks, is awful.

He has only been in the job 6 months, surely finances haven't changed that much?

I wouldn't want dh doing a job he hated. Not really sure what the answer is here.

Szeli Sat 18-Jul-15 16:30:24

I think he is being selfish

RandomMess Sat 18-Jul-15 16:31:31

I would hit the roof that he hadn't discussed it with me and hadn't tried to address the things that meant he hated it.

If ultimately he couldn't stand it no matter what than I could appreciate him wanting to leave. NO job is worth being utterly miserable over.

ilovesooty Sat 18-Jul-15 16:32:42

No, I don't think it's ever reasonable to expect someone to persevere with a job they really hate.

And there are people who love their jobs. I do.

Wrongornot Sat 18-Jul-15 16:33:23

Finances changed hugely, 50% more money and due to location of new job we were car sharing so instead of £80 diesel money he had nothing.

But it is the time thing that meant the most. Having him there in the morning and around at night (instead of being asleep ready to get up at 3am) and doing things together on his days off.

I have been away with work for 3 overnights since he started new job, which I will have to now knock on the head.

Imustgodowntotheseaagain Sat 18-Jul-15 16:34:30

It should have been a family decision. YANBU.

WyrdByrd Sat 18-Jul-15 16:35:24

Working in a job you hate is utterly soul destroying, but he is certainly out of order in making a unilateral decision about returning to his old job without discussing it with you first.

Is there any possibility of him putting the breaks on leaving his current job and looking for some kind of middle ground or is it too late for that?

catlover97 Sat 18-Jul-15 16:35:47

I can see both sides to be honest and think you both have valid points of view. From an outsider perspective the issue seems more to do with you not discussing and reaching a solution together. Is the decision final? I.e. Has he handed in his notice at current job? If not then sit down and discuss and see if there's room for compromise (he gives new role another six months bringing it up to a year for example). Ultimately though if he hates it then what ever the perceived benefits he will be unhappy and that will knock on into other areas of your shared life.

StillStayingClassySanDiego Sat 18-Jul-15 16:36:11

Both me and dh have left jobs that caused us stress .

I do understand why you're fucked off but dreading going into work is soul destroying.

Bogeyface Sat 18-Jul-15 16:38:07

I would suggest a compromise.

OK so he hates this new job but that doesnt mean he can throw your career to the wall by going back to his old job, this isnt just about him.

So he has to find another job that doesnt compromise you so much.

I get that he hates it and I understand, I had a job I hated so much I suffered severe depression as a result. BUT....... you dont just make a decision that will affect the whole family without discussing it first. Its not his place to do that, so yes I would be fucking fuming too.

Make it clear that your career is just as important as his, that you WILL NOT be stopping the overnights, he will have to work it out given that he has taken it upon himself to do this and that you expect him to look for another job.

Wrongornot Sat 18-Jul-15 16:39:39

It is done. Notice is handed in and he has signed a new contract with his old employers (with whom he had previously had 15 years service, but now he has had a break he has lost lots of perks, bonuses, extra holidays etc) So even if he had stayed where he was originally we would be in a better position.

We had spoken about it and he said that he was going to give it until Christmas, however he said he couldn't go on and phoned his old boss who was thrilled to have him back.

TeacupDrama Sat 18-Jul-15 16:39:50

while I understand you, and it should be discussed you were obviously managing until 6 months ago, so you could manage again,
my sister stuck a job she hated for 2 years she ended up resigning through ill health it has taken nearly 2 years for her to recover thankfully she now has new permanent job, unless family risk true poverty I do not think anyone should do a job they really hate

I do think you should do a job you hate to avoid bankruptcy, your house being repossessed, bailiffs at door etc or you have massive debts but if he truly can't stand being in an office all day ( my DH could not either) I don't think he should be unhappy so you can be happier anymore than he should be happy at your expense it needs discussing

ask him to give it another couple of months and if he still hates it, I think you have to accept that it is not worth him getting depressed or seriously stressed

no73 Sat 18-Jul-15 16:40:07

I work in a place I'd rather not, I work nights when I'd rather not, I dread going into work more often than not. However, I have a child, I have to provide for him and make our life as best as I can possibly make it. If I left to a day job I'd lose about £400 a month so I carry on working in a job I don't like, with a bully and its a very stressful job because I have to.

I'd be utterly furious if I was with someone and they scared in a better paid job just because they didn't like being in an office!

Baddz Sat 18-Jul-15 16:40:49

I can see both sides of this, sorry.
No idea what the solution is.

no73 Sat 18-Jul-15 16:41:18

sacked even!

TeacupDrama Sat 18-Jul-15 16:41:22

sorry cross post re handing notice in

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