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AIBU?

... to give the silent treatment to parent who was pissed all day yesterday.

28 replies

victoryinthekitchen · 18/07/2015 08:16

I don't know what else to do. Don't want rows in the house. They are visiting and spent most of the day in the spare room with a bottle of wine whilst kids and other family members were coming and going. I think it must be awful to feel so bad to need to spend the day turning to booze but I also think if they would just spend some time being around family who care about them it would surely be easier?

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SylvanianCaliphate · 18/07/2015 08:18

That sounds bizarre!

They are guests at your home and they stayed in their room getting drunk while you watched and entertained their dc?

victoryinthekitchen · 18/07/2015 08:19

sorry, no they are a grandparent, my parent, if that makes sense.

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MelanieCheeks · 18/07/2015 08:20

How would giving them the silent treatment make things better?

victoryinthekitchen · 18/07/2015 08:21

it won't, I just can't get into small talk about the weather / shopping when I'm so upset though.

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TRexingInAsda · 18/07/2015 08:21

Assuming you're older than about 9, YWBU to give anyone the silent treatment. Tell them if you want them to leave or behave differently.

Spero · 18/07/2015 08:22

I have tried the 'silent treatment' technique - it's rubbish and never achieves anything.

I can appreciate you don't want massive rows in the house - but does it have to turn into a row? If this is someone you love, can you express your worry and concern without it turning into a row?

If that is impossible I think I would say that I could not have this person in my house again. Having family around is not a magic cure for a depressed alcoholic - they need to want to get help and I think you have to tread a fine line between showing compassion but not enabling their behaviour.

Mrsjayy · 18/07/2015 08:23

Giving them the silent treatment is only going to make you feel superior and them worse why would you do that why were they holed up all day what was wrong with them

victoryinthekitchen · 18/07/2015 08:23

they are catching a plane in a few days, just want to know how to deal with it now they are sober without causing massive argument

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victoryinthekitchen · 18/07/2015 08:24

don't feel superior at all, want to help, but also upset and feel weird for rest of family too.

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Mrsjayy · 18/07/2015 08:26

Tell them how annoyed you are is drinking a problem for them or was it a 1 off

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 18/07/2015 08:27

If they are an alcoholic, there is nothing you can do/say that will change things.
You can let them know you are there when they want to change

I've been doing the silent treatment for years.......it's draining

Notasinglefuckwasgiven · 18/07/2015 08:27

My mum is a drinker so I sympathise. A stern chat while they're hungover usually makes them feel pretty shitty. I hate my mum when she's on a binge. Don't let it go past without saying anything. It just continues if you do that.

saturnvista · 18/07/2015 08:28

Of course YABU. I'd mention quietly and kindly that it isn't something you want to happen again in your home because you don't want the children to see it. Also that it is difficult for you to watch when you were anticipating spending time together. I would say I didn't know if the drinking was a problem but I was here to support if it is and they wanted help with that.

SylvanianCaliphate · 18/07/2015 08:28

Ah I see.

No silent treatment, make a point of giving them tasks to help you... I.e. Dad (or mum) can you make the brews, set the table, peel the spuds, watch the kids on the trampoline (whatever) and don't make it awkward.
Then don't host again, if the same happens today insist on going out tomorrow.

Moreisnnogedag · 18/07/2015 08:30

Honestly? Do whatever makes you feel better. I take it your parent is an alcoholic. Sadly nothing you can do or say will change what they are doing. Until they recognise their own problem and more importantly want to change it, you're just in line for collateral damage.

If, however, this was a one off, I'd be expressing concerns to them.

BuriedSardine · 18/07/2015 08:34

Why avoid a discussion? It's your house and that is unacceptable behaviour, whether the DGC are exposed to drunkeness or not. I would politely state your boundaries

"DP, if you drink alone in your bedroom like you did yesterday, I'm sorry that you can't be in our house. If you do it again, I wil ask you to leave."

You can say why it upsets you/how harmful for DC etc but you don't have to.

I don't know how much you were exposed to this growing up, but you no longer have to tolerate it. You are an adult in your own house and deserve to be treated with respect by any and all guests.

Good luck, I'd give it a go while the patent is sober this morning but be prepared for them to chose alcohol over family who love them. They usually often do.

Icimoi · 18/07/2015 08:56

Are they doing it because they feel bad or because they are alcoholic? You can't do anything much if they are alcoholic other than making an almighty vow that they will never stay in your house again unless they pack in booze forever. If it is because they feel unhappy about something, talk to them about that and try to distract them.

victoryinthekitchen · 18/07/2015 08:59

thanks so much for replies everyone, I'll try with the distracting.

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Spero · 18/07/2015 09:23

I would be careful with the 'distracting'. There is nothing more hurtful, in my opinion, than being made to feel your misery doesn't matter or is annoying to someone else. And sometimes when people try to 'distract' they are giving this message.

There is clearly something very wrong going on for this parent - it doesn't matter what label you put on it; staying in a room all day with alcohol and not engaging with your family is not healthy.

But you aren't a professional therapist, it is not your job to 'fix' anything.

I am always in favour of being open and honest. Say that this behaviour upset you. Ask if there is anything you can do to help. But if you are met with anger or denial I would just set down boundaries and say they are not welcome in my house again unless they change this behaviour.

2rebecca · 18/07/2015 09:33

Alcohol is a depressant so if you're feeling miserable then staying in a room in someone else's house drinking yourself into a stupor will just make things worse. I would tell them that that's not OK behaviour in my house and suggest that in future they stay in a hotel if they want to get pissed in a room on their own.
It just sounds self indulgent to me.
The silent treatment is a crap idea when used by teenage girls, it definitely shouldn't be used by adults.
If someone's behaviour annoys you then tell them. Feeling unhappy isn't a "get out of behaving like a considerate adult" card. Also they may be unhappy because they have a drink problem not the other way round.
You say "they" are visiting so was there more than 1 person getting drunk and sulky in a bedroom? Why are they staying with you if they just want to be on their own? I couldn't be bothered with that sort of behaviour. If you choose to put someone out by visiting them then you behave nicely or go away.

victoryinthekitchen · 18/07/2015 10:16

thanks. It is very hard to talk about it, I have tried in the past and they went to AA for a short while. When I have previously asked them not to drink in front of the kids they have said they would not, but haven't been able to keep it up. I 'abu', it's just my head is not handling it too well.

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Mrsjayy · 18/07/2015 11:04

That sounds really hard for you ride it out till they go away but next time they are due a visit say you would rather they stayed in a hotel if they were going to be drinking so much as last time.

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sadwidow28 · 18/07/2015 12:38

I have previously asked them not to drink in front of the kids

So your parent followed your wishes and went to a bedroom. I know it isn't what you meant, but it is so hard to deal with alcoholic relatives (I know). I have felt similarly angry in the past, but silent treatment doesn't work.

With my brother, I would say, "Are you feeling up to helping with [name of task]?" which signalled that I recognised his pain, but also allowed me to offer the distraction technique. When he had shut himself in his bedroom with a bottle of vodka rather than socialising with visitors, I would ask him "Are you feeling any better today?" That sometimes opened up an opportunity to discuss.

HTH

bigbumtheory · 18/07/2015 14:10

Be honest. Tell them how it made you feel. Next time don't let them to stay if they behave like this a lot- they've had all their chances.

victoryinthekitchen · 18/07/2015 17:33

thanks very much, it helps to get people's opinions and advice on this.

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