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AIBU?

About my Bil

57 replies

Cheesecake1980 · 18/07/2015 08:06

Sorry this could be long but I really need to rant.
Bil has quite a stressful job, away a lot. He has a partner but no children. He also owns quite a few rental properties. He is the busiest man on earth.
My DH is self employed the last few years have been a real struggle but things are turning a corner and the business is starting to do well.
I have 2 children and work for my DH part time from home.
Pil are very wealthy. Have given Bil £150k over the years for his various investment projects (one of which lost £80K).
When we were struggling nobody offered any help. Bil said to me that If DH couldn't make his business work then 'he should give it up & get a proper job'.
We do ALL the hosting for everything. Birthdays christmas etc. Bil & his partner are far too busy to host anything and pick & choose which events they attend.
However, they are very good with my children taking them out etc, but this is very much on their terms when they have time.

Really came to a head the other day when bil was prepared to let my elderly Mil do something because he was far too busy.
I think his way of thinking is cheesecake can do it as she is at home.
I ended up doing it. This happens a lot with either myself or my DH doing stuff because he just can't find the time.
He is very self centered and very much the golden child in my Pil eyes.
DH doesn't seem bothered and just says let him get on with it. With regards to the money he has been given we both view it that my Pil can do what they like with their money and we are not entitled in any way.

But I am getting so fed up with his attitude. Especially after the other day & just don't know how to handle him.

The only person who loves bil more than himself is his partner who treats him like a god.
Not sure if I need advice or just needed to rant. Sorry it's long!

OP posts:

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elderflowergin · 18/07/2015 08:55

I think he is going to have to step up a bit as you PIL get older, and to make this happen you or DH will have to let him know that they are his responsibility as much as yours, and just because you are around it doesn't mean it's ok for you to do everything. I think unless you spell it out though, he will continue to take advantage.
With regard to the hosting, I would stop inviting them if they can't take a turn, especially if the expense is always yours, buying food for example. Maybe have a nice Christmas at home with just the dc, and if anyone says anything, be honest and say that if they want to get together maybe they could organise and pay for everything and you will just turn up on the day. Your BIL sounds up himself and selfish. What does your DH think ? Does your SIL ever help or is it always you because you work part time?

Icimoi · 18/07/2015 08:58

If your BiL is expecting you to do things that are his responsibility, just tell him that you can't. Don't enter into any discussion about why, just say no.

mrsfuzzy · 18/07/2015 09:15

don't invite them so much, make bil take his turn over pil, no doubt they know what he is really like, perhaps just don't want to accept it.

Cheesecake1980 · 18/07/2015 09:16

DH thinks the same as me, but he doesn't let it get under his skin.
Sil helps occasionally, but she takes over what should be his job as he is soooo busy.
So not to help us, more to take the pressure of him.
Christmas would be lovely with just us. But the children love having the family over and I wouldn't want to upset them.
He is very selfish and up himself. Saying anything to him is just a waste of time as he does not take criticism.

As I said things are starting to go well for us now. We bought something nice for our house. When he saw it all he could say 'well I bet that was expensive cheesecake?'
Another example of how he is. Sil is very fit, I used to be quite overweight and like a drink or two at christmas.
He was showing some of the family pictures and videos from his ipad. He put one of me up at christmas I was quite tipsy and having a sing song. I looked awful.
The next one he showed was of sil doing her yoga moves, looking fit and healthy.
I felt so himiliated

OP posts:

fuzzywuzzy · 18/07/2015 09:21

He sounds like an idiot and jealous.

Don't host anything and have Christmas with just your family, you can take kids to see them the day aftervor something. Children will enjoy chrustmas with just you as well

totallybewildered · 18/07/2015 09:24

it doesn't sound like family is his priority, and to be fair, that is entirely his decision. family isn't everything to everyone, and none of us are shackled to it. if he doesn't want to be involved, that is entirely up to him. if you do, that is your decision you make yourself, and not his responsibility.

Cheesecake1980 · 18/07/2015 09:28

The thing with Christmas is we always have my DM & DF to stay. They live quite a way from us so stay for a few days. But they always help out.
Pil, bil & sil just turn up on the day(normally late for dinner) and offer no help, just play with the kids.
How can I just have my parents & not the in laws?
I'm seriously thinking of booking a holiday this year just to get away from them!

OP posts:

Cheesecake1980 · 18/07/2015 09:31

totallybewildered but he does get involved with family stuff. BUT, it is always on his terms, when he has time. He never puts himself out and because of the nature of his job he can always make an excuse.

OP posts:

MistressDeeCee · 18/07/2015 09:39

You seem to have a heavy focus on your BIL, OP. You're not married to him you're married to his brother. You aren't forced to say yes to everything he asks for, or live your life on his terms. In your shoes I'd stop "watching" him. Just disengage. Its hard when he is part of your family in a way but it still seems odd to pander to him in this fashion. He is 1 person, and not the only family member just stop watching the man and get on with living your life. You presumably don't have to interact with him that often, nor do you have to invite him over..and even if he does come over is it often, really? He is living how he wants to..doesn't sound pleasant but its his life, not yours.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 18/07/2015 09:44

Book the holiday or go to your parents for christmas. Break the habit and then decide what you want the following christmas.

As for the rest of it, I doubt he'll ever change so I suggest you do what your DH does and let it go over your head. Decide what you're prepared to do then leave the rest of it to them. It'll either get done or it won't.

HeyDuggee · 18/07/2015 09:48

Well your inlaws have two children. This year, suggest they go to their other (golden) son's for xmas and come to yours for boxing day.

Cheesecake1980 · 18/07/2015 09:51

Thank you for your advise. Yes your right I need to stop let it bothering me.
I did say to DH yesterday that we need to just concentrate on our family unit.
When he wants to play at being ' mr great uncle' we should just be unavailable.

OP posts:

junebirthdaygirl · 18/07/2015 09:56

If his parents have given him so much money and your dh nothing that makes them very unfair. This kind of thing caused a lot of trouble in my dhs family as some are bold enough to ask for money and some more independent but parents had to make it fair.

RandomMess · 18/07/2015 09:56

Yep go to your parents and suggest they host another day and you will visit them for a change as you're too busy to host again.

5YearsTime · 18/07/2015 09:59

Don't worry about it. If they are coming for Christmas make it a more shared activity. Get them to bring dessert, starter, crackers, games, etc. Just give them a responsibility and let them get on with it.

It's frustrating but you are going to let them ruin your enjoyment of things. DHs sister gave us a print out of what she had ordered for us for Christmas, the thing still hasn't made its way to us and what it was needed for is long past but meh I just won't be as arsed buying her exactly what she wanted like I did this year.

Fleecyleesy · 18/07/2015 10:00

Did the parents consider the 150 an investment and hoped for a return rather than it being a handout.

Tbh I don't think bil sounds too bad, just busy and clueless about the realities of having a family.

whois · 18/07/2015 10:08

Even busy people can host. Especially reasonably well off busy people.

You pay for m&s events food, or pay for a private catering company to come in.

I used to work with a little company that did private parties so I am quite aware that many busy people wth two working parents in stressful jobs and kids in school manage to find the time to call a catering company and say they want a Larry for 12 catered on date x. Simples.

Cheesecake1980 · 18/07/2015 10:09

fleecyleesy PIL house is worth about £1m . They took out a mortgage on it for £100K to bil for this investment ( not for them).
BIL has to meet the repayments for this mortgage. He says that when they pass away the house is his as he pays the mortgage. I think PIL have put the house in his name.
He also states that as the oldest child he is in charge of the family money.
As I said we don't expect or feel intitled to anything. It does seem unfair though. I I do feel for my husband.

OP posts:

Cheesecake1980 · 18/07/2015 10:10

Entitled

OP posts:

RandomMess · 18/07/2015 10:11

TBH I think you both need to stop being the in-laws (all of them) skivvies.

Theycallmemellowjello · 18/07/2015 10:13

He sounds like a twat but to be fair attending family events only when work permits and generally on his terms doesn't sound like a bad thing. It's just that you need to do the same!

NynaevesSister · 18/07/2015 10:16

I think this is a conversation that your husband should have with his parents.

Not in an emotional or demanding way. Just tell them exactly what his brother has said. Tell them that how they arrange their will is up to them and that he isn't going to make any demands or ask for anything. That they should decide themselves what the right thing is to do.

If they have a heart they will do the right thing, and if they don't then at least your husband has said his piece.

I understand how you are feeling though. His parents gave him £80K which he is repaying but in his mind because it is a mortgage he is therefore the owner if the house that was already paid for!

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Cheesecake1980 · 18/07/2015 10:18

But it isn't when work permits. Because of the nature of his job he can say he is away when he wants.
So he can pick & choose what he feels like doing. I'd he is 'away' then sil does nothing to help out. She never attends anything without him. They don't have children.

OP posts:

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 18/07/2015 10:19

I am only advise that you make the decisions on what you want. If its just your parents go for it, suggest you see PiL new year and DBiL can host.... pit out there now so they have time to adjust

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 18/07/2015 10:21

It all sounds massively unfair.

But this has been the family dynamic for far longer than you have been on the scene. So I think the best you can do is concentrate on your family and find ways of protecting your own sanity.

Christmas is a good start. Why not go away? Can you stay near your parents, for example? Or all go away as a family holiday.

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