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to think a decent parent/dh would have rushed down to help

(39 Posts)
fab39 Sat 18-Jul-15 00:10:16

So we have 3dc. I am a sah bar maybe 1 day per month. Pretty much all the childcare, school admin housework etc is down to me. By this I also mean bedtime, night wakings, cooking and washing up during the week etc. Dh works long hours so I guess we are both busy. He also does finances and less regular jobs liike diy
anyway that is just background. So tonight dh was home early. I did tea for children and took eldest to scouts event 10 miles awayand than met friend for hour before returning to collect. When I returned dd3 had apparently been asleep (on sofa still in daytime clothes and nappy). She approached for milk and clearly needed changing so I changed her.
Dh decided to go upstairs to chill as I was home. Very shortly after this the poo floodgates literally had opened. Dd had pooed on the floor and on me. She was covered, the floor was covered etc. So I shouted up to dh to say what had happened. He heard as he responded with an o type sound but did not get off his arse to come down and help.
aibu to challenge him over this.He is now asleep unlike dd.
o and the washing up I didn't have time to do was still in the sink.

fab39 Sat 18-Jul-15 00:15:34

Well tbf she has been asleep but has just woken. Although fortunately she should goe back down pretty quickly.

evelynj Sat 18-Jul-15 00:17:07

you need equal downtime. you should support each other for this. discuss definitely otherwise it will turn into resentment.

calculate your hours. calculate his. I'm jealous of my dh's 45 minute commute on the train twice each day. if I had that time I'd be writing to do lists & getting organised.. he plays fucking clash of clans.

its all about communication

PoundingTheStreets Sat 18-Jul-15 00:20:13

Yes, he should have helped. The only thing I could say in defence, is that perhaps it's become habit that all child-related matters are dealt with by you, so it didn't occur to him to think that maybe you might appreciate some help.

However, if he wants to remain in a happy married or have any kind of relationship with his DC, he needs to lose this attitude. If he carries on, you'll end up resenting him and his DC won't have any kind of meaningful relationship with him; he will just be a lodger in his own house as far as they're concerned. When it comes to DC, you get out what you put in.

You can't be a SAHM without your DH financing it. However, he would not be able to be the father of 3 DC and hold down his full-time job without you enabling him or him paying approximately £1500-2000 per month in childcare (assuming an 8-hour day) and an extra couple of hundred a month for all the housework tasks you perform. You both need each other equally. That means your relationship should be equal and that each of you should find life easier than if you were trying to do all these things by yourself.

It doesn't mean that you each do 50% of every single task, but that things balance out. As a rough idea, it should work out that you both have the same amount of child-free leisure time to do as you wish, without the other one constantly asking for direction on 'how do you...?' It should also mean that you have the mutual desire to support each other, whether that's listening to him after a hard day at work, or him coming home to poomageddon and saying, "here, I'll clean up downstairs while you take her upstairs for a bath."

MrsTerryPratchett Sat 18-Jul-15 00:20:49

There are 'all hands on deck' moments. Poonami and any vomit involves both parents in this house. No matter what the other parent is doing.

squishyeyeballs Sat 18-Jul-15 00:24:59

Did you actually ask him to help? Of course, in an ideal world you shouldn't have to ask but I don't know anyone in their right minds who would volunteer to clean up shit explosions.

If you asked and he said no then he is BU

mrsplum2015 Sat 18-Jul-15 01:05:58

I'm not being awkward but you did have a nice couple of hours to yourself when you did the scout run, and met your friend, so maybe he thought he'd done his turn with the toddler.

Also ideally he would have helped but I can't quite work out what was so tricky. Did the toddler have a nappy off and poo on the floor if so why did you leave the nappy off?

I find it irritating when dh is at home and won't help me but sometimes it is fair enough he is having downtime at home and I have to just accept I can get on with it myself the same as I usually would.

notquitehuman Sat 18-Jul-15 01:20:35

Oh that's horrible. Dealing with a leaky poo is impossible on your own. Your DH really should have come down to do something. Even if it's just to hold the bag open!

SolidGoldBrass Sat 18-Jul-15 01:23:40

FFS. If one of the DC had caught fire would he still have been having his 'I'm the Man, this is my Leisure Time' attitude? I bet he wouldn't treat your free time as sacred if something messy, scary or unexpected happened when he was on kid duty and you were present but reading/napping/MN-ing.

fab39 Sat 18-Jul-15 08:17:19

I changed hkm into a pull up and somehow when I was out of the room he managed to create a gal kn the pull up gor poo to leakvout. Or possibly skme of it came from the previous nappy that dh hadn't changed as she was asleep. Although she was awake enough to run tl the door when I returned. Also driving to an unfamiliar place go drop off and pick up wasn't my idea of fun so I had one hour. The memory of that is soon lost though when you come home to ore mess than you left wjth?

fab39 Sat 18-Jul-15 08:19:57

Sorry that was rubbish typing. Should have previewed as a nice blue pop up blocked my vision. Gap in pull up for poo to leak out. Some to with

fab39 Sat 18-Jul-15 08:25:28

Thats just it though. I can't remember the last time he was on kid duty when I was in the house. I can be having a bath upstairs and the little one is either asleep or with me. If the middle one is downstairs and wants anythingth he will generally come upstairs and ask me. This has got to change fast.

elderflowergin Sat 18-Jul-15 08:25:49

He is v U. No one should be chilling until the dc are settled in their beds, I would be cross that he hadn't even bothered to change her and put to bed because you were out. You really need to sit down and talk about responsibilities in the house and him pulling his weight.

fab39 Sat 18-Jul-15 08:28:44

O and if the travelling counts as time to myself he gets 2 hours a day. Tbh I probably should have asked him outright but I just didn't think I should need to. I guess I also expected him to huff and puff if I did. I will next time because there is bound to be another similar incident.

sooperdooper Sat 18-Jul-15 08:31:48

But did you actually shout up to him that you needed his help and he didn't come? Just trying to see it from both sides, and I know with my DH if I want him to physically do something specific I have to ask, because if I don't say, can you coke and help with X he assumes I've got it under control

saturnvista Sat 18-Jul-15 08:31:59

If I'd just handed over responsibility and had also worked all day, to be honest I would probably shout 'Oh no!' and fervently hope that would suffice. Don't quite understand why it was such a big deal (I do have kids this age).

sooperdooper Sat 18-Jul-15 08:32:15

Come and help, not coke!!??

diddl Sat 18-Jul-15 08:40:48

I don't think that it matters who works where/how long/does what in this situation tbh.

OP wanted help!

I also think it's odd that OPs husband has been with his kids for a couple of hours & then when OP returns, he's off again!

Doesn't he enjoy time with his kids??

fab39 Sat 18-Jul-15 08:47:46

Ok lesson learnt. Ask outright. Thank you for replies

fab39 Sat 18-Jul-15 08:50:56

I think during the week he just wants to veg in front of the tv and a toddler isn't that condusive to this. Although thinking about it kids tv was on the tablet so not sure how she could have just woken.

CPtart Sat 18-Jul-15 08:53:14

You both work equally hard during the day so why are night wakings down to you? This job should be shared.

fab39 Sat 18-Jul-15 08:54:04

I suppose I did cope but I would interpret shouting up o no you won't believe the mess etc would prompt help. If I was the one upstairs I would have interpreted it that way.

fab39 Sat 18-Jul-15 08:55:38

Tbf I can settle toddler more quickly as she is still breastfed so it makes sense for me to do it.

SewingAndCakes Sat 18-Jul-15 08:56:13

He should have put the youngest one to bed properly, and done the washing up. You shouldn't need to tell him that those things need doing; he's an adult.

When he responded with "oh" after the poo incident, I think you should have followed up with "can you come and help then". It's no good holding on to resentment when you expected him to act in a certain way. Be upfront and say what you need rather than let things fester.

peggyundercrackers Sat 18-Jul-15 09:05:19

If someone shouted up guess what happened I would just think they were telling me what happened - I think if you need to ask for what you want in any situation - other people aren't mind readers.

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