to feel like my ex is mugging me off?

[curiouslyorange]

Long time lurker, looking for opinions please...

Separated from my ex 5 years ago, our one child lives with me and has overnight contact 1 day midweek and also Friday night. I work part time as there is no space in after school club and local childminders have no space so I need to collect DD from school. Ex works fully flexible hours but refuses to collect DD from school on his contact days- he has never once collected her- I pick her up from school and he collects her from our house. I always provide school lunch for the following day as well as all clothes that DD will need (he won't provide so much as a pair of PJs or socks). I organise all child care for school holidays, even for the days that DD wakes up at her dad's house.

He pays child support with a 2/7ths reduction for the overnights but has paid the same amount for the last 5 years. When I mentioned reviewing it 4 years ago, he said he'd take me to court to get full residency if I pushed him for more money so I'm too scared to ask again. It was an emotionally abusive relationship and I'm ashamed to say I've not been strong enough to break away from this.

So... aibu to think that he's being a prat? I am grateful that he's still in our DD's life and that this is trivial in the grand scheme but it's getting me down. I don't even know what I hope to achieve by asking but i would be interested to know what others think.

Thanks x

[whothehellknows]

Do you have reason to believe his wages have changed in that time? If so, then YANBU-- he is mugging you off.

[travellinglighter]

He’s a prat, what makes him thinks that the court will give him full residency when he acts like this? Ask him for a review of costs in a letter/e-mail and if he refuses and you can afford get a solicitors opinion and then let them deal. I have 50/50 child care of mine, give her £200 a month as a share of stuff I don’t pay (clubs, music lessons, etc) and contribute when asked for school trips etc. The only time I don’t pay is when she agrees for high price items without consulting me.

Hope this helps.

TL

[curiouslyorange]

Yes, his wages have definitely increased every year since we separated (his job has contractual incremental increases as well as rises with inflation).

[curiouslyorange]

Thank you, Travellinglighter. Unfortunately a solicitor is out of the question. It would be helpful if he'd at least collect DD from school on his nights and provide holiday childcare for a day so that I can work more hours but I can't see him agreeing to that .

[whothehellknows]

Am I right in believing CMS can consult with HMRC to find out his true earnings? If he's not willing to come to a "private arrangement", then you can ask them to deduct the amount directly at source.

[Tryharder]

If he can't be bothered to even pick up his own DD on his contact day, he's not going to ask for full residency. As if!

[FenellaFellorick]

He can't be bothered to do more thanthe bare minimum As if he could be arsed to have her full time!
Call his bluff. Tell him to go ahead and try if that's what he wants.
He is only threatening it because he knows it shuts you up and keeps you in line.
You think he's going to do school runs, packed lunches, bathtime; washing, ironing, dentist, days off for her sickness, parents evenings, parties, and the other million and one things that you do as the one with custody?

[curiouslyorange]

Thank you all for your input. I'm reluctant to involve CMS as I'm worried ex will stop payments pending an assessment. I'm on the bones of my arse at the moment (I'm paying close on £250 a month for private counselling for my DD as we've been waiting for CAMHS help since the beginning of the year-another story ) so I can't risk it. Honestly, with the worry that he'd take my beloved DD away from me, I had not stopped to consider the practicalities of how he'd manage with full residency. He certainly wouldn't manage his frequent mini breaks with his pals but I presume he'd still want me to do all the school runs etc. I'm going to think about asking him to help during school holidays to look after DD (even a couple of days would be something) but I'll have to build up some courage first of all.

Many thanks- I feel better knowing that I'm not just being a cow!

[everyonesfriend]

i dnt mean this to sound harsh but you need to wake up and take control dont ask tell him infact if u went to a get legal advice 30 min free im sure you would be relived to hear its not that easy for him to get full time ,

call his bluff just ring CM and if he goes crazy and stops payments it will look bad on him

imagine a judge hears "ex partner rings CM then dad stops money because it dosnt suit him also he wont pick his own child up from school and only dose any thing with child when hes decided ,judge hes going to wander what kind of man he his

also he might inform yr ex that he need to do thing for his daughter benfit not his

sorry for typos etc im rushing as im on way out

[curiouslyorange]

Everyonesfriend, I think you speak sense. I need to man up about this for my daughter's sake. He's definitely still calling the shots after all this time apart and I need to get some control.

[IamtheDevilsAvocado]

Poor you OP!

He's just continuing his emotional abuse isnt he? ..

I really cant see any family court awarding him residency... Woudl really, really get a free 30ins legal advice.

So yoy can say in response to his blackmail-this is what it is.. Eg

Ex p: unless you do x, y amd z insert outrageous demand here I'll go for full residency...

You: I'll await your legal action then... Oh and how well do you think the courts will see your emotional and financial abuse?

I am sure its all hot air... Its just a way that some abusive exes get everyone to dance to their tune...

Good luck!

[curiouslyorange]

It's about time I stuck up for myself, isn't it? After 15 years of dancing to his tune it'll be hard but something has got to change.

Deeps breaths.

Thanks everyone x

[RandomMess]

Absolutely you "just" need to start standing up to him. He clearly does want a relationship with your dc so remember that is your leverage - I don't mean denying or reducing contact but start calling the shots. If you insist that he collects from school on school days as he is no longer welcome to collect from your house what is he going to do??? Not see them??

After you being primary carer for such a long time with that contact pattern that would be another reason for any application for residency not likely to easily go in his favour.

He just sounds like a bully

[curiouslyorange]

Thank you, RandomMess.

It's been enormously helpful to hear all your opinions and to know that I'm not being the unreasonable cow he's telling me I am. I'm so grateful I stopped by xx

[Aeroflotgirl]

Yes it is time to rake control sweetheart. Get him to take responsibility. Don't pack food, it's his responsibility to provide food on his contact days. He pick dd from school not you. Get him to have her more in the holidays. His threat is just that, he is controlling you. He can't even be bothered to Fred her in his contact. He is doing the bare minimum for her.

[DadfromUncle]

YANBU I make a 34 mile round trip four times a week to take/collect DD from school, and of course I make her food. In spite of EXs control freak attitude to DD's clothing etc I have a small supply of clothes - and of course I bought her some PJs for when she's here.

OT - would love to know where I can get a job with guaranteed inflation and increments. I have increased my Child Maint in line with payrises - i.e. none :(

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

For fucks sake, why do people always say go get 30 mins legal advice? Just why.

The green form scheme and its associated advice sessions no longer exist. The 30 mins that firms occasional offer is not to give case spersific advice it's to see if they can actually advise you and book you a real appointmemt one that you pay for.

You can get free good quality family law advice over the phone from here

www.childrenslegalcentre.com

Call them ask them about how you can reduce any risk of any action he takes being effective.

Clarify with the CMS/CSA who ever holds your case that the reason for the reduction is because he is liable for child related costs such as feeding the child during the intact time he gets a reduction for. Then take action.

Keep everything in writing start by stating why you are writing what he is not doing that he should. Then tell him during his contact he is responsible for doing this and that you are no longer prepared to facilitate his neglect and that from X date he must do so.

Then just stop. Obviously you cannot stop doing collections but you can make it clear in a way you can evidence how many hours (as opposed to days) he is having.

My ex tried this one with me also refusing to do school/childcare so he would collect at 7pm I would have to pick up from him at 7am he would then collect again at 7pm and would describe this as two consecutive days.

This is a paraphrased quote from the judge

"Mr X you have just raised a residency transfer question?
You have done this less than 10 minutes after clarifying that you are willing to be responsible for the child for less than 24 hours and that you cannot manage current contact without the mother providing or taking responsibility for all day time care.
I strongly advise you you consider your next words very carefully indeed"

Needless to say he did not have any success.

[Aeroflotgirl]

that is fantastic needsasocks, a judge putting the childs best interests first for once. Some men are total and utter wankers.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

For what it's worth having spent almost a decade personally in and out of family court like a fiddlers elbow and seeing many different judges.

I have never personally experanced anything other than the child being put first

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

Should add to that, professionally I have but not with my own family

[Aeroflotgirl]

Needs I know of a lady on here who's juge utterly has not. Has put contact with Ther violent abusive father as more important despite the father showing himself in court. Her barrister said tgat you could not get a worse judge.

[Aeroflotgirl]

There are statistics on the Woman's Aid site that this is quite prevalent.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Her ds is being emotionally and sexually abused by his father, the services meant to protect this boy are not, here's looking at you SS.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

I am aware of the poster you are talking about whilst I totally sympathise with that poster and have the utmost respect for how she is now dealing with the matter I believe she does acknowledge that either 1 or 2 orders were made in her absense because she didn't show up (not uncommon) and that didn't help her case very much at all early on.

And I agree with womans aid both on its prevalence and the reasons.

But there are ways when dealing with abusers to reduce the risk and the process is set out quite clearly as well as the instructions given to judges to follow.
Contact if SAFE is even written into the relevant act.

sadly the ways people can reduce the risk do not follow with social norms or niceties and often quite hostile 'Advice' dished out on sites like this from unqualified people with either adjenda or lack of understanding.and the very strict criteria for legal aid really do not help at all.

As with any job you get bad ones but it is far from the norm

[Aeroflotgirl]

I wasent aware of that, yes that probably dident help her one bit. But in her case contact is not safe by the sounds of it. Her ex was threatening and quite aggressive even to SS, but instead of risk assessing the situation and applying safeguards to protect ds, withdrew the keep safe work with ds and wrote a closing report. She is pursuing a complaint against SS and will take it to a higher level.