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to be upset that my night off has been cancelled because my DH thinks his brother needs too see him?

(54 Posts)
RoboticSealpup Fri 17-Jul-15 03:25:55

I'm on Mat. Leave with DD, 8 months. A friend came over to visit from Germany yesterday and staying with is until Saturday (she's visiting other UK friends after.) We had been planning to go out on Friday night and let DH take DD. This is the first time I've had the chance to have an evening out without DD. (We're new in our area and don't know anyone so I don't normally have anyone to go out with.)
Now DH tells me he will be an hour or two late from work on Friday because his brother wants to go for a drink. He says he temporarily forgot that it was Friday I was going out, but that he will be home by nine. (Usually home at seven). BIL had apparently sounded 'weird' and 'down' on the phone. MIL also called, asking DH to see BIL, as he had sounded 'almost tearful' on the phone to her.
I asked DH to call and try to clarify if there was something serious going on, and he had apparently just laughed it off, saying 'I just need a girlfriend!' but reiterated that he really wanted to see DH for a drink. (They don't usually do this.) DH is going and says he will be back before ten.
Now, I have been up with DD (who doesn't sleep) every night since she was born. I'm fine with this, but was really looking forward to not being the main carer for just one evening. If DH comes home late, sure, there's still time to go out, but after a whole day of childcare and going round town with my friend I will probably be too tired. I usually go to bed around 10.
I do realise that BIL may really need someone to talk to urgently. It's also quite possible that he just wants to meet up to have a moan about his dead-end job and his lack of love life. That's fine, but could be done another night! Because he won't talk about it on the phone, I could be sacrificing my only night off for a whim he had to go for a beer with his brother.
AIBU to feel that this is a bit unfair?

ShelaghTurner Fri 17-Jul-15 03:36:55

YANBU. Can't BIL come round to yours?

madwomanbackintheattic Fri 17-Jul-15 03:37:03

You are nbu to be a bit peeved, but it sounds as though Dh and his mum are really v worried about his brother, so that trumps your night off really.

Sometimes poor mental health trumps a night out.

Get your mate to come round to yours and sit and have a glass of wine and a chat. You can decide if you want to go out when dh gets back.

RoboticSealpup Fri 17-Jul-15 03:46:30

Shelagh BIL can't come round because he lives about 2 hours away from us, but he can get to where DH works more easily.

madwoman the friend is staying with us. I don't want to drink when looking after DD. She doesn't sleep well so I cannot just put her to bed and then relax, unfortunately. She's currently teething as well, which doesn't help.

ChaircatMiaow Fri 17-Jul-15 03:48:30

Good advice from madwoman re getting your friend to come around for wine and a chat.

What I don't understand is why your DH can't help out at night with the baby? Babies have two parents. You're clearly exhausted and need a break. This drives me insane when I hear this. Why is the sleep of the parent who works more important? Does the SAH parent sit around filing their nails all day?

(I may be projecting as I am currently in same boat with DD5m)

madwomanbackintheattic Fri 17-Jul-15 03:55:23

And yes - even assuming you are ebf, as soon as the baby is fed, hand her over and roll over. Dh can settle her. There is literally no reason why you have to be up all night, every night. If dd takes expressed milk from a bottle, just tell Dh he is solely responsible and find yourself a comfy place in the spare room or wherever.

And reschedule some time out. It's bad timing with your friend, but if Dh isn't pulling his weight, then you have bigger issues than not being able to hit the town on a Friday night.

Meandyou150 Fri 17-Jul-15 04:57:05

Madwoman - agreed completely

JeanSeberg Fri 17-Jul-15 05:07:55

What a coincidence he needs to go out on the one night in 8 months when he's supposed to be pulling his weight.

Shetland Fri 17-Jul-15 05:27:53

YANBU but could you go out on a different night? does it have be the Friday?

wannaBe Fri 17-Jul-15 05:33:51

so, he gets to tell you you can't go out but he has to go out drinking with his brother for reasons no-one wants to talk about?

If we were talking genuine mental health here then I would agree, but the brother hasn't given a reason, and wants to go drinking. He can do that another night, surely?

I would put money on him not being back by 9:00 and I would be fuming.

So I would tell him that tomorrow he will be in sole charge of your dd all day and then I would go out and not get back until gone midnight.

toomuchtooold Fri 17-Jul-15 05:48:32

What a coincidence he needs to go out on the one night in 8 months when he's supposed to be pulling his weight.

This. Come on Robotic's DH, man up and look after your DD for one blooming night...

PoppyFleur Fri 17-Jul-15 05:55:12

poor mental health trumps a night out

I have read and re-read the OP and I am struggling to see how one has extrapolated that BIL has MH issues. There isn't sufficient information to support a leap to that conclusion.

However, we clearly can read from the OP that there is an exhausted and sleep deprived new mum who was looking forward to a night out.

OP - You agreed with your DH that you were going out on Friday night, your friend is over from Germany and this is the last night that she is available. He needs to honour this. Unless there is a back story with BIL which would justify concern and the need to immediately attend to him (on a Friday night, in a pub hmm) then I don't see why his needs trump yours.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Fri 17-Jul-15 06:06:23

Oh my god no way! Don't accept this. Your dh can see his brother another night. This is completely unfair.

tumbletumble Fri 17-Jul-15 06:21:55

YANBU, this seems very unfair. It sounds as if DH has unilaterally made the decision on how you are both spending your evening - why? Even if you did decide that BIL's needs are greater on this occasion, it should be a joint decision. In our house, if two events clash, whichever is in the diary first wins! (Or we sort out a babysitter.)

MIL shouldn't be interfering either. Does she realise how much you were looking forward to this? Does DH? Make it clear how pissed off you are!

Don't give up, OP. If he won't back down, tell him he needs to organise a babysitter. Could MIL babysit if she's so keen for DH to go out?

Also agree with other posters - some evenings DH should be responsible when the baby wakes. You sound exhausted.

OhWotIsItThisTime Fri 17-Jul-15 06:24:54

Your DH can go out another night with him. How about Thursday? If they make up all sorts of excuses, then obviously it's not that serious and can wait. If it is urgent, why don't they talk on the phone?

I think you need to put your foot down and explain to your DH how much this evening means to you. It sounds like he's trying to get out of his responsibilities and using BIL as an excuse.

DoreenLethal Fri 17-Jul-15 06:25:33

Now DH tells me he will be an hour or two late from work on Friday because his brother wants to go for a drink

'That's great dear but I am going out so who have you got to look after the baby?'

TestingTestingWonTooFree Fri 17-Jul-15 06:26:54

He should cancel and rearrange for next week.

Whipnaenae Fri 17-Jul-15 06:38:34

BIL lives 2 hours away. Friend lives in Germany. Therefore your DH can see BIL more frequently than you can see friend. Your DH is being very very selfish.

Whipnaenae Fri 17-Jul-15 06:39:10

And why does DH not help out with nights? He sounds like a twat.

WipsGlitter Fri 17-Jul-15 06:40:41

Bring the baby to the pub and leave them to it!

Seriously - this is pretty crap of your DH.

winterland Fri 17-Jul-15 06:56:26

What a twat. Absolutely don't put up with it. Your bil's woes can surely wait till the sat or Mon after work. Makes me cross on your behalf. Show him this thread.

Icimoi Fri 17-Jul-15 06:56:46

Surely brother's need for a drink can wait till Saturday lunchtime or evening? DH could meet him half way between if BiL can't do two hours' travel.

petalsandstars Fri 17-Jul-15 07:13:21

He can go but you are busy so he needs to organise childcare

Charley50 Fri 17-Jul-15 07:14:35

What icemoi said. And I think it's time your DH stepped up and and some alone time with his baby in general.

ahbollocks Fri 17-Jul-15 07:15:39

Tell dh to bring bil home with him after work and let him kip on the sofa, they can chat ar home

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