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Marred life 101!

(7 Posts)
genericman1 Fri 17-Jul-15 01:17:08

Long time lurker but need some other opinions smile
I really don't know how to do this so it may come out somewhat fragmented.
Early on in our relationship she was an absolute paranoid being, my phone and computer were a constant target for her beady eye, now i was also a shit for using porn alot when i knew how it made her feel (admitidly i learnt the hard way there!). She'd been treated quite poorly in previous relations and i didn't have anything to hide so sort of endured it when perhaps i should have stood my ground a bit. but young and being led my the crown jewels i didn't have the experience nor balls to put her right n fear of loosing what had.
That was a long time ago now and thankfully we got through it all.
We've now been married coming unto 10 years with 2 young children, i've always known her as bisexual but its taken a bit of a back seat over the years until the last 6 months or so. I don't have a problem with that par say.
However Lets go back a few years before the kids came along and i'd found out about a crush with a women at her work she's developed, my spider senses were tingling that the status quo just wasnt there at the time so went snooping on her messages on facebook (i've no excuse here, it was poor form of me to not just communicate with her first). What i discovered were messages to a previous girlfriend expressing her feelings for this women and how her she got butterfly's when she saw her.
This killed me at this point, i took the car and just kept driving for a few hours until i'd calmed down and we talked, and got through it. Now looking back i was far younger and naive at this point and never felt i actually got over this. but as it is years past, 2 children came along and we were happy.
Untill a few months back and my spider senses were tingling again.

Once again i'd found evidence to another "crush" (as she now puts it) on another women, only this time it was our dd's school teacher, we talked and infact things got great for a while, we had become far more open with each other, something that having children had taken away from us. (not to blame the children, we just lost focus)

Unfortunately this wasn't to last, i found what's known as a wicken contact spell in the back of her phone with the teachers name on it. (basically a piece of parchment with there name in a circle and a needle through it)
So clearly shes not over this crush. But at this point i'm at my lowest, we all get our desires, i get that but i'm hurt from this beyond what i can communicate to her and its not something i feel i can share with anyone other than the anonymity of the internet.

I've turned into a jealous wreck and I'm now beginning to despise her for how she has made me feel. I'm putting her through what she put me through at the beginning of our relationship and I'm hating myself for that.

Unfortunately i'm now checking her facebook history at every opportunity and since found constant searches for yet another woman. and messages that are getting deleted (not to this woman mind)

I don't believe she has cheated or at least i've never found anything to suggest she has.

Dont get me wrong i've not always been the great husband that we aspire to be but i've never been unfaithful physically nor mentally. At my worst i guess I've neglected her as a talking partner and abused porn more than i should (thankfully now through the years were on more eye to eye terms)

Just to add one of the deleted message strings was to an old male friend who she was planning to have lunch with but due to our dd getting ill got cancelled. she also shared porn search tips with him, now she's pretty open about her plans but this one she never mentioned. not that i'd have an issue with her meeting old friends but she's never mentioned him, i dont think shes ever had any prior interests with this guy. i think she was just protecting me by not telling me about there arrangement. But the porn discussion did throw me as it was unique to something we share together. More to the point i wouldn't dream of discussing porn with anyone let alone personal choices.

I know i shouldn't be checking up on her but as she's now so distant from me it kinda feels like the only way i know her and who she really is even if its not favourable.

Anyhow if you have got this far thank you for reading, i'm not sure what i hope to achieve from this other than the feeling i need to get it off my chest. smile

GGabcd Fri 17-Jul-15 05:31:46


Tutteredboast Fri 17-Jul-15 06:22:33

You have to talk don't you. Get someone to look after the kids so you can have some time alone.

Tutteredboast Fri 17-Jul-15 06:23:12

What is TLDC?

BeautyQueenFromMars Fri 17-Jul-15 13:15:13

TLDR means Too Long Didn't Read - maybe this means Too Long Don't Care or something?

OP, you and your wife need to have a long, honest discussion about what is going on with the both of you. Maybe out somewhere neutral and quiet.

DonkeyOaty Fri 17-Jul-15 13:29:22

Well look.

You don't trust her. Game over, innit.

Cut losses and separate.

GloGirl Fri 17-Jul-15 13:34:28

You both sound like children. I think counselling would probably be really helpful to mature and talk openly.

Stop reading her stuff. It gives you an excuse to think you can trust her if you can invade her space - but it is not helping.

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