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to have got a bit shouty with ex fil?

(23 Posts)
coffeeisnectar Thu 16-Jul-15 21:10:16

Back story is I split with ex ils son 7 years ago due to high levels of dv. Ex has been arrested, charged and prosecuted on several occasions. The last prosecution was 3 and a half years ago for making death threats

I ended up moving 450 miles away that same year and got my kids (2 girls, youngest now 9 is his) settled in good schools and into activities. For the first year I drove them back several times for contact with ex and his family but then, to my horror, ex moved three miles away from us.

He initially had contact eow on either Saturday or Sunday but started asking for overnight. I let them go a few times but teen was sleeping on the floor and youngest sharing a bed with him and he was letting them stay up most of the night. I started getting called on Sunday mornings because they were playing up and he couldn't cope so I needed to come and get them. So I put a halt to overnights. Then he started delaying bringing them back, often until gone 10 pm if he thought it would affect plans I had with them such as movie night or going to see fireworks. He was also late picking up every single time and when dropping them off would stand in my garden dragging out goodbye for up to an hour.

He started with the controlling behaviour again insisting that when I sell my place in old area that money gets split between kids or he will take me to court (flat is mine) and saying I'm not allowed to take them on holiday. He then started telling youngest he was going to kill me and dp if I or dp ever had a car accident while kids were in the car, telling youngest she should go and live with him. Teen told me that his room reeks of cannabis and she needs to open windows. I've had to call the police after he tried to hit me in my garden (in front of kids and do)

So I got a non molestation order in December which states no direct or indirect contact naming me and the kids. In court he was offered contact via a contact centre but he declined.

The issue is his parents, mainly fil who keep trying to give me messages from him. Fil seems to think this is fine although I've patiently explained on several occasions that it's breaking the order. He keeps asking me if ex can see the kids. I can't through to and tonight I lost it. He rang to say ex has money for teen which she can have when she sees him and asked me to pass a message to kids from ex that he loves them. Told him yet again I don'twant to know and he said he thinks I need to get some perspective!!! I lost it then, shouted at him and told him that I was sick of his son, that I've had years of grief off him and if he tries to pass on anything else I'd be reporting both of them. He wasn't happy (not sure he's forgiven me for him losing his shotgun licence because they were lying out when they went to arrest ex once) but I'm fuming. He didn't want to know any details of his sons behaviour and has suggested it's "in the past".

What do I do now?

Sorry for v long post. Don't want to drip feed.

AnImpalaCalledBABY Thu 16-Jul-15 21:15:34

If I were you I'd cut all contact with them, your ex fil has proven over and over again he is willing to break the order and that he doesn't have any concern for yours or your dd's welfare so why should you have to deal with him?

I'm sorry they are all so shitty with you, well done for fighting your corner and keeping your girls safe

JontyDoggle37 Thu 16-Jul-15 21:17:12

Cease all contact. If you have an answerphone, use it to screen calls and if it's them don't respond. He has no-one to complain to and the only outcome is beneficial to you.

JontyDoggle37 Thu 16-Jul-15 21:17:56

And sorry - no YANBU!!!!

MsVestibule Thu 16-Jul-15 21:19:29

Do you want/need to remain in contact with your PIL? Do they have a good relationship with your children? If so, I suggest you just hang up every time they broach the subject. No discussion, just hang up. It's a bit like training dogs; they'll soon learn if you do it every time.

And if they ask to see their grandchildren I certainly wouldn't let it be unsupervised, however much pressure they put on you.

tsonlyme Thu 16-Jul-15 21:19:37

Totally not unreasonable and you've given him his warning now so all that's left is to follow it through if he does try to contact you again, not sure why you've waited so long. Good luck, hope this is the end to it now.

Anon4Now2015 Thu 16-Jul-15 21:22:15

I agree to cease all contact. I would also get your solicitor to write to him explaining the details of the non-molestation order and that his son is in breech of it if he asks his father to pass messages on.

FadedRed Thu 16-Jul-15 21:25:25

Bloody hell OP, enough is enough! flowers
Have you kept a record of all this contact since the court order? I wouldn't hesitate to report this as they are breaking the law.
in regard to your DC's there doesn't seem to be any question that contact of any description with their father is not in their best interests, and they are old enough to understand this.
You've done more that enough in a deplorable situation, you all need to be free to live a happier life than this.

coffeeisnectar Thu 16-Jul-15 21:34:28

I actually called their daughter (who is lovely) and explained everything to her last time and she said she would talk to him. I'm not sure if he's going a bit senile and forgets...He does repeat himself a lot' which is why I've cut him some slack up to now.

They are very close to my kids but don't see them now due to distance plus I don't trust them not to have ex there if I drove them back up to see them.

I think ex mil will nod and say yes to everyone whilst doing whatever keeps everyone else happy. Ex fil just doesn't seem to understand how bad things were when I was with ex. I had no doors left in my flat, no cooker, no bed, holes in walls, everything was trashed. I have physical scars, biggest one on my arm from a plate he threw at me. I was punched, strangled (in front of youngest) and even my neighbours dad got punched once for no reason. I just reached breaking point.

Three of his convictions have been after our split. I actually fear that one day he will kill me. I will be applying to renew the nonmol order but I'm sitting here debating whether to call the police or not.

It's teens birthday tomorrow and her friend is staying over and we are going to Thorpe park.

Don't know what to do.

whois Thu 16-Jul-15 21:37:52

I don;t really have anything helpful to add - other than sorry you've got such a bad situation.

TBH I think it would be better for you and the kids to cut out FIL and MIL 100%.

Is there any way the police can warn FIL about breaking the non-mol or anything?

AnImpalaCalledBABY Thu 16-Jul-15 21:43:05

He probably does understand how bad things were for you, he just doesn't care. He expects you to stfu and 'move on' because that what suits them. Of course his loyalty is to his son but anyone with the slightest shred of decency would respect your wishes let alone a court order!

These people cannot be trusted and you have been though more than enough, you've done an amazing job of protecting your dc but it's ok to protect yourself too. Log things with the police and ignore future contact, they are the ones in the wrong here not you, you don't need to be dealing with this

coffeeisnectar Thu 16-Jul-15 21:51:31

I've called the police. Dp thinks they can't do anything as there's no proof but at least I've called and it might stop it happening again.

My youngest misses her dad although she understands how his,behaviour is wrong. She missed a lot of it as she was so young but teen remembers. They both love their gps and miss them.

I feel like the bad guy even though it's not my fault we are in this mess.

ltk Thu 16-Jul-15 21:53:49

I agree that this should go to the police. You want all that evidence in place in case they push it further.

ADishBestEatenCold Thu 16-Jul-15 21:54:22

I would think there is a some chance that your exFIL doesn't really see anything hugely wrong with your ExH behavior, including the dv.

Maybe hugely unfair of me to say it, but there could be a reason exMIL wants to please everyone ... 'keeping the peace' can be learned behavior, and many families have two (or more) generation of dv with-in the family.

I think you should go nc with them all. You have tried, but it hasn't worked. You have the non-molestation order for a good reason (that isn't going to go away), but beyond the legal aspect of that order, I think you have a duty to keep yourself and your children safe from any real or implied danger, from all angles. IYSWIM.

ltk Thu 16-Jul-15 21:55:01

X-post. Good for you. And you are NOT the bad guy here!

ADishBestEatenCold Thu 16-Jul-15 21:55:03

Cross-post. Well done, OP.

coffeeisnectar Sat 18-Jul-15 10:03:20

Someone is coming to see me at 9 tomorrow morning. We were out all day yesterday and are out today.

coffeeisnectar Sun 19-Jul-15 09:50:55

So they think they'd find it difficult to arrest him on just a couple of phone calls. I'm actually despairing. What's the point of a non mol with an arrest warrant if they think a couple of calls is ok?

They are going to talk to him and his dad to tell them both to stop.

Ohfourfoxache Sun 19-Jul-15 11:12:14

Hopefully a visit from the police will show ex fil how serious this is <crosses fingers>

AlpacaMyBags Sun 19-Jul-15 11:54:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

magoria Sun 19-Jul-15 12:01:22

They may not be able to arrest either but they can visit them both and warn them that if they continue they will be arrested.

I would just change your numbers and ensure no one who would pass them on gets the new ones.

IamtheDevilsAvocado Sun 19-Jul-15 15:30:44

This is horrid for you amd kids op.

Please don't let yoyr ILs see your kids... They are minimising his behaviour....

I thinl it very worrying that you lufe is in danger.... Many DV murders escalate from behaviour you describe. Please get some advixe from womens aid and thr local women's refuge.

coffeeisnectar Sun 19-Jul-15 22:30:16

I'm already in touch with the local dv team and youngest gets counselling with them. I live with my fiance in his house and I've been with him three years, split from ex for seven years. Police said oh we checked him out and he's not done anything major for three years now, they really did seem to minimise his behaviour and if they have checked they would have seen his last conviction was for death threats towards me. I'm considering pushing this further. In my old area the police were amazing, issued me with panic alarm, took it seriously but here they are a bit shit in their attitude.

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