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AIBU - to expect him to discuss this?

(30 Posts)
snowydrops Thu 16-Jul-15 20:13:15

DH and I have just had a huge row. Basically to cut a long story short he is in a full time job but has a 'pipe dream' of being a singer (he's very good) i am in a permanent job which I quite like but not that bothered about really. We have two DCs aged 3 and 5 months So the other day he spots an advert to join a band touring next year who need a singer. He applies and mentions it over dinner last night (with kids) lightly and shows me film of band. He doesn't ask my thoughts and I am so busy I don't give it much thought. Then today I ask him about it and he emails to say they liked his application and is he potentially available to audition next week. Again he doesn't ask my thoughts. My thoughts are that it could be a good thing, I'm not opposed to us all going (should that be possible) but obviously I would 100% not want him going alone given our family set up. I emailed him and I guess rather abruptly said 'maybe you should consider whether you would be happy to potentially have to leave us three to go on tour before you go for an audition' I can see that would have pissed him off but I was upset he hasn't asked my opinion. The rest of the email was general and friendly. He replied saying he wouldn't want to leave us and he had applied on basis we would go with him. This made me feel better but AIBU to expect him to at least ask my feelings on the idea before potentially attending an audition?

He is 100% just gone mental at me saying I am over thinking it, he shouldn't need to ask permission and all this other stuff (horrible stuff) about me ruining it all and being so hard to live with etc etc. maybe I was annoyed and snapped at him but I think I am in the right to expect he mention it to me and ask my thoughts before saying he would be available for an audition mainly because if he gets it then where would we be?! He says I think 100 years into the future and am over thinking it. I probably am and I probably don't need to 'worry' but I feel as a couple and a family, things like this maybe should be discussed before you apply for them as it would affect all three of us?!

What are the thoughts of mumsnet?

Sirzy Thu 16-Jul-15 20:15:29

It's not about asking permission, is about working as a family and discussing big things which will impact on everyone else.

snowydrops Thu 16-Jul-15 20:17:38

That's what I thought, I can see his point that it's not so far down the line that he felt we needed to discuss it but I just felt overlooked that he didn't ask my thoughts on the idea when he has had three separate opportunities to. He has basically assumed I would want to do it and would happily give up my job should it happen and he get it. That might be the case but I would have liked to have been consulted.

User100 Thu 16-Jul-15 20:22:16

Decision absolutely has to be made as a family before he commits to anything (although I guess auditioning doesn't commit him); I'd probably have discussed it because I wouldn't want to discuss then pull out. Has anything like this ever come up and been discussed before to give him reason to think it's ok with you? Could you work on the move or would it be 3 out of only 4/5 weeks annual leave if you both work full time?

snowydrops Thu 16-Jul-15 20:22:35

Anyone? I told him I was going to call five friends and ask their opinion but then thought MN would be better!!

User100 Thu 16-Jul-15 20:23:39

*wouldn't want to audition then pull out. Sorry should proof read.

Pippin8 Thu 16-Jul-15 20:23:59

I'm with him. I think you are overreacting & over thinking it. He might not even get it & if he does, you just have the discussion then. If he's committed to family life & you can't go, then he shouldn't want to go.

snowydrops Thu 16-Jul-15 20:25:08

Well he has no details other than it would be all over and start later this year. We have discussed going away for work at some point (loosely) and I said I would be up for it in theory but I meant staying in one place as touring around with kids would be tough and I think I wouldn't be able to work as I would need to care for them unless he is planning to?! I guess he hasn't got to this point in his head, it's his dream and I am pissing on his parade so to speak but I still think he should have asked my opinion!!

snowydrops Thu 16-Jul-15 20:26:39

Thanks Pippin, good to hear. If I am overreacting it's good to know so that I can at least apologise. He is so angry though we are in separate rooms at the moment!!

Maroonie Thu 16-Jul-15 20:29:39

I agree he should have discussed it with you, but at the same time no decisions have been made.
He can still turn it down and you won't know the practical implications until you have all the details.

User100 Thu 16-Jul-15 20:31:14

It's his dream but he's a grown up and it needs to fit in with reality. I'm going to do something unusual for mumsnet and say I can see both sides; if you'd already discussed the concept of going away and said in principle it might work I can see auditioning and working out the details if he gets the job. Equally I can see that if this wasn't what you'd pictured you will feel left out of the discussion. And in reality if you're as busy as me and dw it's probably not been discussed because by the time dcs in bed everyone's too tired to discuss anything.
Instead of fighting about why it wasn't discussed yet best skip to discussing if and how it might work and if it's worth auditioning?

MissPenelopeLumawoo2 Thu 16-Jul-15 20:32:22

I don't think YABU. Yes it is in the future, it might not happen, etc. BUT- if he was offered the chance to go on tour there & then, would he agree straight away because it is 'his dream' and not discuss that either? Does he even know if families can come with him on tour? He hasn't thought it through otherwise!!

MythicalKings Thu 16-Jul-15 20:33:00

YANBU. It's the sort of change of job and lifestyle that should be discussed before an application goes in.

HippyDippyRidingPretty Thu 16-Jul-15 20:35:28

I see it like any job interview. Go for it and if you get it, then weigh up the options ( obviously as a family) before making any decisions...

Nothing is set in stone at this stage.

snowydrops Thu 16-Jul-15 20:35:30

Thanks User, that's kind of what I wanted to do this evening but he lost it with me and said I was being really negative and that he hasn't definitely got an audition yet anyway so why should we even bother discussing it. I was basically arguing that we should discuss it because if he does get an audition he needs to know whether or not he should attend it / I would have liked to have been involved in that decision. Weirdly as I write about it I can also so both sides (often the way though in arguments with us...) but he never seems to see my side or calm down about it. I feel sad that it's always me who will end up apologising / trying to make amends but actually I think I've got a point and maybe he has too but that we could behave like adults about it (he is just getting angry and swearing a lot!)

User100 Thu 16-Jul-15 20:39:17

I wouldn't audition unless I'd discussed it and knew I could accept, but that's just me, I guess if he enjoys singing and wants a career in that area even just the audition could be worthwhile time. If he wants to discuss it when he's calmed down great, but if not as long as he's clear that he can't accept the offer without making a decision together is there any harm letting him audition (I assume it's only around an hour or so of time and won't massively inconvinience you to audition?).

PurpleSwift Thu 16-Jul-15 20:40:14

Yanbu. This could potentially be a huge change for your family and such things absolutely need to be discussed. I mean at this stage i don't think a huge in depth discussion is needed but a "hey, I'm thinking about auditioning for x...potentially it could mean y/z, how do you feel about that?" Wouldn't go a miss.

I'd be very peeved if I was you and be feeling pretty inconsequential to him.

Thetruthshallmakeyefret Thu 16-Jul-15 20:50:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anon4Now2015 Thu 16-Jul-15 20:58:41

I don't mean this offensively, and you may have already thought about it, but is the pay OK for this tour? I have friends in bands who go on European tours and the pay is absolute pittance. It barely covers expenses - certainly not enough to be able to afford to take a family with you or to support a family back home for that matter. From the little I know, the bands who actually make a living from touring are very few and far between.

(And yes I agree, he should have talked to you about this)

EponasWildDaughter Thu 16-Jul-15 20:59:33

I agree with thetruth and i also think that his anger and lashing out means he knows full well that he was following a 'dream' without discussing it with the people in the life he has chosen already.

Why go as far as applying for a job audition if you've no idea if you'll be able to go through with it?

DoJo Thu 16-Jul-15 21:14:12

His attitude is the problem, not the audition. He should have asked your opinion, and when he didn't and you ventured it anyway, he should have listened. Had he done so, then you would have been able to come up with a list of questions that would need to be asked at or before any audition in order to establish whether it's the right opportunity for him, you and your family.

Having said that, unless he is auditioning for a BIG band, the chances that their touring budget will extend to extra transport and accommodation for the newest member's family is incredibly slim! If it's a name act, then there might be a chance, although it's likely that the schedule will be pretty gruelling and not really allow for much quality family time (basically, you will be stuck on your own in a hotel room with two kids most evenings or travelling for hours at a time), and if its a corporate covers band then there are millions of those in the UK, so it might be easier for him to test the waters on home turf if that's what he really wants to do.

snowydrops Thu 16-Jul-15 21:17:19

I think he thought it would be his ultimate fantasy! I think the money would be ok, I have no idea but they are already quite successful (it's not a pop band). I genuinely don't think he would go without us but I guess I feel like maybe he would want to and I / us are what are holding him back, if he had come to me right away and said 'I would like to apply but obviously if it comes to anything I would only go if it works for all of us' i would be fine about it. I am actually quite supportive of his dream I just don't want to be seen as someone who will just fit in.

So I went downstairs and said I was sorry and that I could see his side (and mine) and I think it just got out of hand. He agreed but then I tried to hug him and he did hug me but clearly didn't want to (he hates physical contact straight after we have argued but I crave it...) anyway we then ate tea together and he literally looked the other way(at the wall) to avoid my gaze. He suggested we watch something on TV but other than that didn't utter a word, the. Continued to read the news on his phone. That's actually pissed me off more! It's always me that tries to make amends and he is just plain rude. I've left him downstairs alone now because I refuse to sit next to him waiting for him to say something while he sulks.

snowydrops Thu 16-Jul-15 21:20:04

They're not massive so I really don't think they would afford us to tag along too but they are relatively big and I have no idea how long the tour is anyway so it could be we could part finance. I would be willing to consider that if short term as I know it's his dream. That's the thing I think I am quite reasonable and supportive but he is like a child sometimes the way he deals with things.

CatMilkMan Thu 16-Jul-15 21:28:57

The decision needs to be made as a family and probably shut down as a nice idea but not fucking possible.
To be completely honest and since I don't know your DH so could be wrong, it sounds like he knows it's not possible and he's just frustrating himself and trying to fight for any reason he can before he will just accept that his dream is unlikely.
I'm probably completely wrong.

Anon4Now2015 Thu 16-Jul-15 21:35:36

snowydrops Just by way of comparison one of my friends is in a band (also not a pop band) that's not massive but is doing OK. They are booked for big name festivals and have recently supported a really big name singer. They have released three albums and can tour Europe for four months at a time booked every night.

At the end of the tour they don't bring a penny home. It all goes on transport and accommodation - and when I say accommodation I mean sharing rooms at budget hotels. They are considered really quite successful in band terms but there is no way they could afford to take anyone on tour with them, nor is it the sort of life most people would want to take their kids on. It involves lots of driving round in vans for hours and hours at a time, doing a gig and then staying in a low budget hotel, eating food from motorway services. When one of them got ill and wanted to come home, he couldn't because they were contracted to perform and it would have cost them way to much money. And this is a band that's doing rather well. Don't get me wrong my friends are having a whale of a time (most of the time) but they are single and childless and don't mind the occasional night in the back of a van and not seeing their families in months.

I think not only does he need to discuss it with you but he also needs to find out more details. The lifestyle might not be all that he hopes it will be.

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