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For thinking my mum needs to make more of an effort with her appearance?

(183 Posts)
animefan89 Thu 16-Jul-15 00:17:43

My DM is 52 and has now been single for the past 4 years. I am worried about her being lonely as she enters the later years of her life. She doesn't really have anyone in her life except me and her cats. Both of her parents have passed away, and she isn't very close to her siblings. She is a lovely, friendly, kind person who has a heart of gold. Now, I mean this in the nicest possible way, but she has let herself go quite a bit. She dresses much older than her actual age, hasn't been to a salon for a long time (she has grey roots showing through) and just doesn't seem to be bothered as much as when she was younger.

I just think if she wants to find a man then she needs to make more of an effort. If she doesn't, then she is running the risk of becoming a lonely old spinster with a cold, empty space on the other side of her bed for the rest of her life. I don't judge her on how she looks but I can see how men on online dating sites would. It's a very competitive arena. I haven't mentioned anything to her about this but I'm wondering if I should.

MaggieJoyBlunt Thu 16-Jul-15 00:21:51

How would you phrase it or go about it?

BlameItOnTheBogey Thu 16-Jul-15 00:22:01

Wow this sounds really mean. Does she want to find a partner? YOu know that not having a partner doesn't condemn you to a being a 'lonely old spinster' with a 'cold bed' right?

Maybe she wants someone who cares more about who she is than what she looks like… It does happen.

travertine Thu 16-Jul-15 00:22:26

Is she happy how she is tho? Does she want to find someone else?

ShipShapeAhoy Thu 16-Jul-15 00:23:34

Firstly, do you know she is actively seeking a relatopnship?
Secondly, yabu.

AdeleDazeem Thu 16-Jul-15 00:24:08

She's 52? Is that a typo because the rest of your post makes the lady sound more like 82!

SingingSands Thu 16-Jul-15 00:25:19

Are you trying to offload her?!

wowfudge Thu 16-Jul-15 00:27:01

52 isn't old. And it shouldn't be about her potential success rate on online dating.

Do you know how she is feeling about herself? She may not care or she could be depressed.

Before you do say anything, have you thought about organising some sort of treat for her - possibly with you? If it makes a difference and she gets some compliments it might help her to feel better about herself.

HirplesWithHaggis Thu 16-Jul-15 00:27:16

I'm going to assume you mean well, but keep your nose out. If your DM actually wants the shallow kind of man who would judge a woman in her 50's as unworthy of his attention because she's turning grey, she's quite old enough to make the required changes. If, otoh, she can't be arsed spending her time and money primping and preening for some arrogant fuckwit, she's also quite old enough to make that choice.

I speak as a badly-dressed, greying 53yo! grin

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Thu 16-Jul-15 00:27:20

Well I think you would have to approach the matter sensitively.. Why not suggest a day out together shopping and getting her hair done. I mean don't get wrong someone more clever may come along and offer better advice.
Is she looking to attract a partner. Or are you worried about her being on her own. There is a vast difference

MaggieJoyBlunt Thu 16-Jul-15 00:27:45

Just please please don't say to her any of the things that you said in your OP smile

Do you think she's actually depressed?

Notgrumpyjustquiet Thu 16-Jul-15 00:28:12

You clearly DO judge her on how she looks. Does she want to do anything about these 'faults' that you perceive in her? If not, I'd back off if I was you.

ilovesooty Thu 16-Jul-15 00:29:56

I just think if she wants to find a man then she needs to make more of an effort. If she doesn't, then she is running the risk of becoming a lonely old spinster with a cold, empty space on the other side of her bed for the rest of her life

Is this serious? If you were my daughter and uttered that sentiment to me I don't know whether I'd laugh or tell you where to go.

And as for "the later stages of her life" - she's hardly in geriatric territory.

Perhaps she doesn't think snaring a man is the be all and end all?

80sMum Thu 16-Jul-15 00:30:59

"as she enters the later years of her life"

OP, she's is only 52! A mere youngster! She's got another 35 years or so before your description might be applicable!

lunalelle Thu 16-Jul-15 00:32:22

Some people are more concerned about being lovely friendly people with hearts of gold rather than fussing about fashion or clothes and make-up.

I would certainly rather someone liked me for me. I am clean and tidy, but I don't care about fashion and I don't cut my hair. It is her choice, and you don't need a man to be happy.

SycamoreMum Thu 16-Jul-15 00:32:28

Why don't you go to a salon with her? Or on a shopping trip? Then you can ask her if shes looking for male company...gently gently and all that.

Ledare Thu 16-Jul-15 00:39:09

I love my DH, but a cold empty space on the other side of the bed sounds marvelous imo.

Younique Thu 16-Jul-15 00:39:23

YABU. What does she want?

derxa Thu 16-Jul-15 00:43:26

I have nothing to except that I'm 4 yrs older than your Mum and you're making me feel older than Methuslah.

totallybewildered Thu 16-Jul-15 00:43:41

YABU - why should she be looking for a man? What bizarre assumption. She might be happy and relieved to be single, and have every intention of remaining so.

butterfly133 Thu 16-Jul-15 00:49:49

YABU and incredibly presumptuous. Grey roots showing? How very dare she!

You say she's " let herself go". How I hate that expression. She's entitled to not be interested in appearances.

And lol at your romantic idea of growing old together. My parents are late 70s with health problems. They spend most of their time trying to look after the other one. This isn't a love that grew from anyone smartening up their appearance believe me! but also worth noting that there are many stresses and strains in partnership. She might not want to do that all again.

ILovedYouYesterday Thu 16-Jul-15 01:08:30

Does she want a man?

I'm 45 and, if DH and I ever split, I am 99.9% sure I could not be bothered with another one!!

I think I'd be quite happy with my bed to myself grin In fact there was a thread on here just this last week about the merits of living alone and, I must admit, it sounded lovely!

If your mum does want to get herself out there (and asks your advice) you would not be unreasonable to offer to go shopping with her, suggest nice hairstyles that would suit her etc but only if she herself wants to make a change. Otherwise it's entirely her choice and she may prefer to try and meet a bloke who loves her for who she is rather than an image she would have to try and keep up with.

MummySparkle Thu 16-Jul-15 01:12:05

I would say yanbu. It sounds like she's a bit stuck in a rut. Why don't you plan a girls shopping day for you and her and maybe pick out some things you think she'd look good in. I wouldn't go full on hair and make up, but maybe you could help her to update her wardrobe a bit? Nothing crazy, but maybe find some things on the edge of her comfort zone. A well-fitted pair of jeans can completely transform an outfit from 'frumpy' to stylish. But nothing too out there. If she's used to comfy jeans, a tshirt and a cardi then going all out on a fitted pencil skirt and blouse combo is just going to make her feel uncomfortable. But I don't think helping her choose some nice jeans and a few tops is too bad. My 50something mum wears lots of mantaray tops and sometimes I wish I'd spotted them first

butterfly133 Thu 16-Jul-15 01:19:52

Feel compelled to link this thread. Not everyone worries about the grey hair thing!

Ruledbycatsandkids6 Thu 16-Jul-15 01:29:10

As a 50 year old woman I just spat out my wine!

Are you really that young?

Would love to read a post from your mum.

'I love my dd but she feels I should be defined by having a man in my life! Where did I go wrong? Am having lots of fun just shagging and one night stands but obviously can't tell her as she sees me in the latter stages of my life. If only she knew bless her.'

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