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AIBU?

To be having a post wedding identity crisis

84 replies

Jewels234 · 14/07/2015 14:41

I got married at the weekend, and it was amazing.

However, having said that I would take my husband's name, now it has come to it, I just can't. It doesn't feel right. And it's mainly because I'll now be called the same as his mum, and I absolutely cannot stand the woman.

So I feel really uncomfortable taking my husband's name. I feel really uncomfortable keeping my own name. Double barrelled is the only option, but that means I will have a surname with 5 syllables.

Has anyone else felt similarly confused. It's only a name, but I feel like my identity for the rest of my life rests on this decision.

OP posts:

Report

Lottapianos · 14/07/2015 14:45

Don't change your name. Why on earth would you? It's yours and always has been. Ignore any guff you will hear about how its your father's name really - no-one ever says this to men. You're still the same person, no need to change a thing. It's not 'only a name' - how would you feel if someone started calling you Marjorie (assuming that's not your name!)? Names are important. Stick with yours.

Bombaybunty · 14/07/2015 14:45

I felt similar. 16 years later I still use my maiden name, the only people that use my "married" name are my MIL and my mother. I was 35 when I got married and was rather used to my name so didn't feel the need to change it.

I do not want the same name as my MIL.

My mother thinks I'm breaking the law by not changing my name!!!

joopy79 · 14/07/2015 14:47

I know how you feel. I'm living in a country where women don't change their names but I considered changing my name anyway because I wanted to have the same name as my children. I didn't do it and now I am relieved. My in-laws have gone crazy with the arrival of their first grandchild and I've gone from tolerating them to not wanting to be around them. I would hate to have given up my family name and taken theirs.

TravellingToad · 14/07/2015 14:47

Just keep your name. I don't get why in 2015 anyone would change it.

People have said to me before that why would I want my fathers name over my husbands but that logic is so flawed. If that's the case that our names aren't our own they belong to our dads then my husbands name isn't his it belongs to FIL! Well id rather have my dads name than my FILS name but actually it's MY name!

It's on my birth certificate I've used it all my life. It's mine. So I'll keep it thanks.

LokiBear · 14/07/2015 14:49

Just don't change it. I double barrelled mine. It is ridiculously long. I don't care. It's my name and I didn't want to lose it.

MaidOfStars · 14/07/2015 14:49

I didn't change my name and my husband fully supports (and vocally approves of) that choice.

Not that it's up to him, but did you have any agreements with your husband (CONGRATULATIONS) before you got married?

MorrisZapp · 14/07/2015 14:50

Just don't change it.

My friend changed hers, it was an administrative nightmare.

Do nothing. Be yourself.

Theycallmemellowjello · 14/07/2015 14:51

Why do you feel uncomfortable not changing your name? I didnt change mine and it's never been an issue. Another option would be to change your name so his surname is your middle name - then you can use it or not use it as the fancy takes you.

Theycallmemellowjello · 14/07/2015 14:51

Or would he take your name?

DansonslaCapucine · 14/07/2015 14:54

I have never regretted keeping my name. Eldest dc has my name, youngest has dh's. Never a moment's bother.

Jewels234 · 14/07/2015 14:58

If I don't change my name but use 'Mrs' it sounds like my mum. It's not me. It doesn't feel right. A super long double barrelled name feels like the only option.

It doesn't help that a 'friend' said 'he's bought you a ring so he owns you. You need to take his name'.

OP posts:

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 14/07/2015 15:01

'he's bought you a ring so he owns you. You need to take his name'.

Tell your 'friend' the Middle Ages called and they want their attitude back. Unbelievable...

Lottapianos · 14/07/2015 15:05

'It doesn't help that a 'friend' said 'he's bought you a ring so he owns you. You need to take his name'.'

Excuse me but WTF????! Do you consider yourself a slave OP? Maybe he should just chain you to the kitchen sink by your neck and have done with it? Are you (and your friend) aware that this is 2015? And that you are an independent adult woman who cannot be bought or owned by anyone? And for the price of a ring????

Vile, misogynistic crap like this is a big part of the reason I want nothing to do with marriage.

nottheOP · 14/07/2015 15:05

It does take a while to get used to, although I very rarely get called Mrs so and so and I would never introduce myself as Mrs. I'm just firstname surname.

I got rid of my maiden name because I always had to spell it. I got married to my husband because he's lovely not because my ownership passed from my Dad to him - I'm not a pet!

nightandthelight · 14/07/2015 15:05

Hi jewels I felt exactly the same! I changed my name and spent the next six months crying about it. I hated that it made me look more related to my in laws than my own family. I hated that I no longer recognised my own name. I felt owned by DH's family and it was just awful. Luckily DH saw how awful I felt and agreed to both of us double barrelling. I now love my ridiculously long surname. It acknowledges my family and my past while also recognising my marriage and my new brand new family unit :)

Have you spoken to your DH about this? You are allowed to have any name you like, don't let anyone pressure you into anything else. The 'friend' is a dick!

Thurlow · 14/07/2015 15:07

Firstly, tell your friend to to sod off

You don't have to change your name. You don't have to be known as Mrs either, if you don't want to. Realistically, why does committing to each other mean that you have to change anything about your name? You are still you. You shouldn't be having an identity crisis over your name and who you are - I don't mean that you are being silly to have one, just that do you think your DH is having this worry? Nope.

You are the same you you were 10 days ago. You're just had a wedding, that's all. Don't change a single thing, surname or Mrs, if you don't feel comfortable doing it. This is the 21st century, do whatever the hell you want to.

The only thing to consider is what surname any future DC will have, if you are planning on having any? But if you're considering double-barreling for yourself, it sounds like the names probably go together and you could double-barrel for DC.

Petradreaming · 14/07/2015 15:11

I changed my name for a short while... couldn't stand it, so reverted back to my maiden name. It was a complete 'mare changing back with lots of people including Lloyds Bank telling me it was against the law. Lunatics.
Keep your name. It's your identity. Its you.

LazyLouLou · 14/07/2015 15:13

Sod everyone else chiming in. You can do whatever best suits you. All the 'you aren't his chattel' reasons for not taking his surname are as spurious as all those claiming that changing your name is an administrative nightmare. Neither are necessarily true.

If double barrelled is too long could you portmanteau the names and both change? I have a friend who took advantage of getting married to dissociate herself from both mothers, she too really didn't want to be Mrs Same As MIL/DM. So they squished their names together and made a new one. It is perfectly legal and the paperwork is the same as for the usual rigmarole.

nightandthelight · 14/07/2015 15:14

Wow Petra that's crazy! I just got some funny looks, I think people thought we were divorcing after 6 months

TravellingToad · 14/07/2015 15:19

You wouldn't be Mrs you'd be Miss or Ms so you wouldn't have the same name as your mum

Smurfingreat · 14/07/2015 15:23

Do whatever makes you feel comfortable, it is none of anyone else's business. I didn't change mine as the thought made me feel really uncomfortable. Still haven't quite worked out what to do re Mrs/Ms/Miss though!

A friend just changed her name back after 8 years, (with full support from DH), and has had half her work colleagues congratulate her on getting married and the other half commiserate about her divorce! She says she wishes she had never bothered to start with.

TeenageMutantNinjaTurtle · 14/07/2015 15:26

I regret changing my name. If you're not sure what you prefer then give it some time before you do all the paperwork.

I could change mine back, I know, but its been so long now everyone would think it meant we were getting divorced!

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MiddleAgedandConfused · 14/07/2015 15:29

I did not take DHs name and it's made no difference to anything. I answer to any name people use - Mrs/Ms/Miss Middle as well as Mrs DH. But you don't need to decide now. If you're having doubts, leave it a month or two and see how you feel then. There's no rush to do this. Wait until you feel ready.

ActiviaYoghurt · 14/07/2015 15:32

There is a lot of heated debate about this, how do you actually "change your name"? does this just mean on utility bills, passport, bank, driving license, Dreaded FB? or is there a more formal process?

I have joint accounts in Mr and Mrs and still have account in my maiden name, my passport is in my maiden name as it has ages before it expires and we travel a bit so don't want to be without it, my driving license is in my maiden name to match passport for car hire. My work email you an email either my maiden name or Mrs Activiayoghurt.

If someone refers to you as Mr and Mrs XXXX are you going to correct them and insist on being Miss Jewels234?

Guineapig99 · 14/07/2015 15:34

Don't change it, it's your name so keep it. There are plenty of countries in the world where women don't change their name. When the registrar asked if we'd be changing surname/s we both said "no" at the same time. Has barely be discussed beforehand. Taking someone else's name just seems odd to me. all that nonsense about being your Father's name etc is rubbish, it the name on my birth cert that I've been known by my entire life.
If you new hubbie says anything then as him to change HIS surname to yours and see what he thinks then...

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