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Trying not to be bitter but it sticks in my throat!

(66 Posts)
Bythedowns2 Mon 13-Jul-15 17:47:30

Currently struggling with money trying to do a house up, we moved 6 months ago, work part time for cost reasons with childcare . dH has good job but average earner. DH was left some money by maternal grandmother when she passed some 20 years ago not masses but our contingency fund. At the time of her passing SIL wasn't born. SIL is on maternity moved in with her partner last year to his house, didn't contribute house as not a penny to her name. House is all done doesn't need anything doing, BIL has trade therefore does lots of private work therefore not putting through official channels. Always mentioning cash they can't pay into accounts etc. anyhow DH said before SIL got with partner he would give her half of the money he was left as his grandmother would want that( even though she wasn't born), SIL got pregnant moved out of home etc etc DH then sid couple of months ago need to sort money out to give to her, last week he gave her this circa £1k . Up till this time she was messaging daily asking for it when she would get it etc. they have not gone and bought half a caravan and she is lining up VIP tables at a nightclub - all over Facebook They are not short of money nor need it. We certainly could, new boiler needed trying to get lounge decorated etc. SIL is type only interested when she wants something. aIBU to feel cheesed off we are holding back on things we need doing as skint whilst this money squandered? DH won't talk about it and says it's gone no something he could take back once he said he was giving to her

ImperialBlether Mon 13-Jul-15 17:50:32

Did he give her all the money? I can't understand what happened exactly. I don't think he should feel obliged to do that.

She doesn't actually own anything, though, does she? She's living with someone but if they split up she'd get nothing.

grapejuicerocks Mon 13-Jul-15 17:52:41

I can see why you are upset about it. It was incredibly generous of him to offer it, but offer it he did and he had to follow through on his promise.

So YANBU to wish he hadn't offered it but YABU to think he shouldn't have given it to her. You should be proud to have such a nice DH though.

Bythedowns2 Mon 13-Jul-15 17:56:30

He gave her just under half! I guess I am proud but also annoyed when we need the money. We BIL has added her to mortgage but no she didn't contribute to house prior to that in fact landed on her feet tbh I think it's annoying as she doesn't appreciate it and they are both tight with money

TheMoa Mon 13-Jul-15 17:57:37

The money belonged to your husband, and it was his to gift.

If £1000 was half the money he had, he has done incredibly well to hang on to it all this time.

It obviously ha more sentimental than monetary value, and it means a lot to him to be able to share it with his sister, whom he loves.

Leave him be.

NickyEds Mon 13-Jul-15 17:58:29

YABU. If your DH says it was what his grandmother would have wanted and it's what he felt was right then it's nothing to do with you what she spends it on really.

Spartans Mon 13-Jul-15 17:59:01

Yabu. He made an offer which was generous. She can spend it how she wants.
You will make yourself miserable looking at what she has compared to what you have. At the end of the day she is dhs sister.

It actually annoys me when people get crappy about how easy others have it. Life is more than the few years you have all lived. Will you feel better if they spilt and she gets left with nothing? If something awful happens to her will you feel stuff is more fair?

Her life may have been eaiser up to now. But you don't know if that really is the case and you don't know what the future holds. Concentrate on you and your family.

Did you dh offer her the money before you got married?

PtolemysNeedle Mon 13-Jul-15 17:59:43

You need to shift your thinking away from what your husband and his sister could have spent the money on, it's not relevant. Nor is it relevant how much money each of them has, or how much interest SIL takes in your family.

Your DH did the morally right thing by giving his sister some of the money let by his grandmother. Presumably if she had lived a few more years, then SIL would have got half of it anyway, so really what you're looking for is for your family home to get the benefit of your DHs grandmother dying earlier than she could have done. That's not nice.

You have to try and look at this differently, because while I'm sure you're lovely, the way you are felling about this comes across horribly.

WorraLiberty Mon 13-Jul-15 18:00:19

I agree with TheMoa

If he's sat on 2 grand for 20 years then it obviously has sentimental value

He was right to share it with his sister, she was her grandmother too.

JaneFonda Mon 13-Jul-15 18:01:41

It's not your money, so yes YABU.

Your DH sounds lovely, and yes, it was absolutely the right thing to do as I am sure if SIL had been born then it would have automatically been split between them anyway.

QuintShhhhhh Mon 13-Jul-15 18:03:12

He has done a kind thing, in spirit with what a kind grandmother had wanted.

Dont begrudge her that money. If sister had been born by the time grandma passed, I assume your dh would have gotten half and she half back then. As it is, he had a larger amount to invest which probably had served him better than only half the amount?

Spartans Mon 13-Jul-15 18:03:50

You feel annoyed that she has found a dh that can afford a nice house and o do it up?

Do you also feel annoyed at you and your dh for doing better in the years leading up to your meeting so that one of you could provide for the other better?

I am certainly not saying you should be annoyed at him, but if you are mad at her because she has a successful partner it feels like you are saying you wish your dh or you had achieved more so you could be in the same position.

Which means you are actually just mad at yourself

Bythedowns2 Mon 13-Jul-15 18:04:25

I think it's more ungrateful ness of it and constant pestering for it when they don't need it. SIL wasn't born for another 3 years after grandmother passing. They were both very young when left. No it wasn't offered before we were married long time after and we have children of our own. It's not being unkind I grew up with nothing and in care it's stealth boasting whilst knowing that you don't need it

Bythedowns2 Mon 13-Jul-15 18:05:22

She didn't do the house up it was already done she met and got pregnant moved in with partner with 6 months

Glitoris Mon 13-Jul-15 18:05:34

Your husband sounds like a really decent man.That won't change.

Your sister-in-law sounds a bit young and ditzy.That might change.

Stop begrudging her the money and appreciate what you do have,all things considered I think you have the better life.

MaidOfStars Mon 13-Jul-15 18:07:47

I suspect your DH is correct when he says that his grandmother would have wanted a split for all grandchildren.

Nothing more to be said, TBH.

I am now wondering if any of my cousins 'missed out' on inheritance because they weren't born when one of my grandparents died. I don't think so (lots of cousins spanning multiple generations, so it would take a while to work it out), but I never would have thought to check. blush

WorraLiberty Mon 13-Jul-15 18:08:55

This is an inheritance from her grandmother

She doesn't have to need it. It's just nice to have and to spend. Inheritance isn't means tested.

As your DH said, it's what their gran would have wanted.

Spartans Mon 13-Jul-15 18:09:06

Then your problem is with your dh. After you got married technically that money belonged to both of you and he offered it to her. She then asked for money that had been promised. If she was hassling why did he not just give her it as promised?

If someone says they are giving you something but don't, I don't see the problem with asking again.

If you were in such dire straits he should have offered it, although I think he did the right thing

MsMcWoodle Mon 13-Jul-15 18:09:22

This is very interesting to me. I am the last child and my brothers and sisters received a large inheritance which did not come to me.
The repercussions have been huge. I have been very bitter about this, especially as I went through some hard times (no fault of mine) and they did not even help me then.
I am now NC with all of them, largely due to this.
I'm happy to say that I have done better in life than them, financially, in the end. Educationally too... Even though I was the only one who didn't get a private education.
I'm not bitter any more, but I do hate the bastards. It just showed them for what they are. Not very nice people.

theendoftheendoftheend Mon 13-Jul-15 18:14:55

I'd stop feeling bitter about the money (it'll only end up doing you harm otherwise) and concentrate instead on the fact you're married to such a decent person!

sweetgrape Mon 13-Jul-15 18:15:05

If he'd have spent it straight away as a lot would have his sister obviously wouldn't have got anything. Your DH says it's what his DGM would have wanted. I don't agree, she left it to him, there could be umpteen grand hildren come along after, but that's life., you leave your money to people alive at the time, not to future children yet to be born. His DGM meant it for him, it's not his duty to look after his sister. YANBU, fair enough if it was a lot of money he could have give her something, but I think his logic and mindset over this is all wrong.

Heels99 Mon 13-Jul-15 18:15:36

Your husband did the right thing. its frustrating if sil squanders it but outside your control. It wasn't a vast sum let her piss it away.
Beyond this do not bailbout sil when her relationship goes tits up.

WayneRooneysHair Mon 13-Jul-15 18:16:53

At no point did the inheritance belong to OP, only to DH and he can do what he likes with it.

Bythedowns2 Mon 13-Jul-15 18:19:27

I do understand what your saying but I don't see it as I heritance to a certain degree as she wasn't born or thought of. She has had her backside wiped her whole life and DH with moving etc didn't pass it over straightaway. I find it grabby to keep asking (weekly)for something that someone doesn't have to give to you and it frustrates me as I know 100% it wouldn't happen if it was reversed. I am not bitter but it's hard when you have to sit and listen to what the money goes in looking at your knackered boiler. We haven't done bad saved up bought first flat moved earlier this year. Struggled to conceive DH has good job I have public sector so not poverty stricken but I have been and it's not nice. I guess your right and I have to suck it up

WorraLiberty Mon 13-Jul-15 18:22:52

Well if you're not bitter, you're doing a bloody good impression of someone who is.

You clearly can't stand your SIL and that seems to be clouding your view.

Still, it's nice that she has such a decent brother.

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