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AIBU?

to think that we should be allowed to change our mind? (wedding related)

83 replies

EatDessertFirst · 13/07/2015 14:41

DP and I are finally getting married next year in August. I admit that I was quite naive about how many things had to be considered, and a lot of the stuff we didn't want seems to be a necessity now. We've cut out a lot of guff except seperate venues but that is unavoidable and have invited all the kids and partners. After reading so many threads about how guests hate being made to stand around while photos are taken after a wedding ceremony, we have decided to put on drinks and canapes for our guests at this time. It is expensive, but our ceremony is at 12.30pm, and we don't want people to remember our wedding as 'the one where we were all starving'. We are under no time pressure as the caterer is happy to wait till we have numbers and our booking with them is secure. We are paying for it ourselves.

So, the AIBU. On telling DM that DP and I have decided to add this in, DM has gone nuts. She shouted that I have got to stop changing my mind, that we shouldn't worry about guests being hungry as they are having a three course meal at 3pm, that we shouldn't be spending anymore money, its a waste of money......I could go on. Its made us start second guessing ourselves. We want our guests to be as comfortable as possible but her massive hissy fit has left me upset and the atmosphere tense. I know its very 'first-world problems' but I would appreciate your opinions.

Ta muchly.

OP posts:

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CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 13/07/2015 14:45

It's nothing to do with DM, is it? Unless she is paying, seriously, it's none of her business. And it doesn't sound as if you are really chopping and changing - just adding in an extra bit because you are getting married over lunch time

storminabuttercup · 13/07/2015 14:45

Ignore her. Your day, your money, your choice.

Sounds like something my mum would do. I think people will appreciate the thought

Welshmaenad · 13/07/2015 14:46

Your wedding. Do what you want. An hour and a half is a fair while to be stood around feeling peckish so I'm sure your guests will love you for it.

DH and I still talk about the wedding we went to where the wedding breakfast was a SERVED buffet and portions were so stingy that I had to get the bride's brother to nip to the corner shop to get me food because I was pregnant, starving and I'd taken my insulin and was sliding into a hypo.

Feed your guests properly before you waste money on fripperies!

JimmyCorkhill · 13/07/2015 14:46

It's none of her business. She has 'possibly' had her own wedding, this is yours. She is under no obligation to eat the canapes if she wants to save herself for the meal! I thought what you have planned was the norm. At least it has been at the weddings I've attended. My advice is to stop sharing all but the bare minimum details with your DM and let it all surprise her on the day Hope you have a lovely day

Nolim · 13/07/2015 14:46

Why is it any of her business? Is she paying for the wedding?

DaisyBD · 13/07/2015 14:46

YA def NBU to have canapes, in fact I would say this is mandatory, but I think YABVVVVU to have a wedding at 12.30pm. Why, why why does anyone do this?? No-one wants a three course meal at 3pm, is that lunch or dinner? Why don't people have their wedding in, for example, the late afternoon, then guests have time to have lunch before they come, and you can put on dinner at a normal time. Plus you only have to provide one meal. Win-win.

Not very helpful, I know! In the meantime, tell your DM to butt out, it's not her wedding. Best thing is not to discuss arrangements with anyone, then no-one has a chance to tell you you're doing it wrong (including MN).

EatDessertFirst · 13/07/2015 14:47

That is what my head tells me. Her reaction just seemed so extreme that I'm worried I've commited some massive wedding etiquette faux paus(sp?).

OP posts:

scrumpkin · 13/07/2015 14:48

Your wedding, your choice. YANBU at all and she should keep her ridiculous opinions to herself

EatDessertFirst · 13/07/2015 14:50

Daisy we are fully aware the time is not ideal. But a combination of accomodating all the kids, Summer holidays, guests' work and the fact some guests have an hours drive (we're having it is DPs hometown as there is more people local), means its the best we can do.

OP posts:

MamehaSan · 13/07/2015 14:51

Quite frankly, it's got nothing to do with her. You're adults, you're paying for it all yourselves, and you have the final say on the arrangements.

I'd stop sharing details with her - if she pesters you wanting to know what your plans are, tell her it's a surprise.

Have a lovely day!

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 13/07/2015 14:52

we still talk about the wedding where we didn't get fed until 3 especially as the ceremony was at 11, so it was a complete suprise to us.

candlesandlight · 13/07/2015 14:52

We went to a wedding at 12 and food was scheduled for 5p.m. , eventually served around 6pm. The worst wedding I have ever been to , not only were we hungry all day , as we had an early start to get there, but not much food on the plates when it arrived.
It really ruined the day as everyone became obsessed by food , plus it dented the atmosphere as everyone was afraid to drink on an empty stomach.
Once dinner was over and the music started everyone had had enough and it was the emptiest dance floor I have ever seen.

pasturesgreen · 13/07/2015 14:53

Your wedding, you're paying, your choice.

For what it's worth, I attended a wedding on Saturday that was arranged exactly like you're planning to do yours and it was lovely. Guests had a chance to mingle and chat over drinks and nibbles and everyone was commenting how lovely it was. Go for it!

freezation · 13/07/2015 14:55

What's wrong with a 3 course meal at 3pm?! Guest can just have a large late breakfast. No one's going to starve. I don't understand why people are precious about what time they eat, unless they have medical issues. By the way YANBU. I've been to weddings with canapés and weddings without. Both are fine and your timings suggest canapés are a good idea.

MissPenelopeLumawoo2 · 13/07/2015 14:55

I think it is a great idea! I also went to a 12.30 wedding which was a fair distance away, we spent the morning travelling and got to the church just in time for the ceremony, so no time to grab a snack. The food was due at 4pm. I thought I would die! In the end I had to nip to a corner shop to get a bag of crisps then eat them in the car park so as not to offend the B & G. YANBU and I don't know why your Mum is getting involved.

AliceAlice1979 · 13/07/2015 14:56

Massive over reAction by her. Is something behind it?

JammyGeorge · 13/07/2015 14:56

I think drinks and canapés sounds a great idea.

Most people will prob be rushing about getting ready, hair appointments etc and won't think to snack before the ceremony.

Your DM is being unreasonable.

There's probably a reason why she's being touchy but I gave up trying to work out what is going on in people's heads years ago!

FenellaFellorick · 13/07/2015 14:57

Remind her she's not paying for it so there is no reason for her to be angry. If you choose to spend more of your money on your wedding it doesn't affect her at all. And that you have the right to make your own choices. And you weren't actually asking her permission. And that you simply won't bother telling her anything else about the wedding because you can't be doing with tantrums.

FurtherSupport · 13/07/2015 15:06

Ifthis is an uncharacteristic out burst, I'd say there's something in her past that's made her react like this, or as Mother of the Bride she feels like she "should" be organising and paying for the wedding, even though she's not IYSWIM

Cocolepew · 13/07/2015 15:09

Massive over reaction!
I had tea/coffee and shortbread at mine, it went down a treat.

knittingdad · 13/07/2015 15:10

As per your username, the last wedding I went to served an amazing array of desserts in the interregnum between service and dinner, though dinner then was later than your 3pm.

It's very considerate of you to provide food for your guests bearing in mind that they are unlikely to have eaten just before the ceremony.

Weebirdie · 13/07/2015 15:14

A wedding where food has been scrimped on is an embarrassment so please ignore you mum in the nicest possible way and be a generous and considerate bride and groom.

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Maryann1975 · 13/07/2015 15:15

Following on from what furthersupport said. I know when I got married, my mum was really put out that we organised our own wedding. She felt (and still does a bit), that when she got married forty years ago, weddings were planned by the mother of the bride. When her daughter got married, she felt it was her turn to organise the wedding but times had moved on the couple were now organising their own day. So she feels she missed out on planning a wedding.
I agree with you op, have the canapés, there is nothing worse than waiting around at a wedding while the bride and groom are having photos done. The last wedding we went to was a bit like this and to make it worse, we didn't really know anyone, so it was DH and I, on our own, being hungry in a corner of the garden, drinking over priced drinks from the bar.

Cheby · 13/07/2015 15:16

OP YANBU at all, perfectly sensible plan.

But I have to say I don't get all the moaning that goes on on mumsnet about not being fed at weddings. I thought it was taken as read that if the wedding is around 12pm there won't be any food until mid-late afternoon (canapés excepted possibly but this is usually just a few bites and not a meal). This is just the way most venues set out the day.

We always have a big/late breakfast before or on the way to weddings (if its a long journey we will factor in time to stop around 9.30) and have snacks or packed lunches in the change bag for kids who can't wait to eat. It's not difficult to manage.

sparechange · 13/07/2015 15:17

We changed our minds a couple of weeks before the wedding!
It was only when we sat down with the events woman at the venue to go through the day that she pointed out a few things we could do differently, so we did.
As long as you haven't made everyone pre-pay for hotels in one part of the country, and then decide to hold it at another venue miles away, there is no faux pas.

Perhaps tell your mum that if she is going to overreact like that, you just won't share any details with her in the future?

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