to think DP ows me one for this(83 Posts)
Background: DP works hard in a physical job and is knackered during the week. We moved to this part of the country from a long way away about 3 months ago when I was three months pregnant and I've not been able to find any work, though I am looking. I don't know that many people here. Money is tight. My week days involve driving DP to and from work (he's learning to drive), sorting our new house out, cooking dinner, trying to pursue hobbies that don't cost anything and doing a fair amount of sitting about on my own being a bit bored.
At the weekend DP and I went to a small music festival run by some family friends on their land. It's always a lairy affair after dark, some people with kids just go for the afternoon, most people camp overnight and get wasted.
At 6 months pregnant I had reservations about going. Standing up in a field for hours, having to walk miles up very steep hills to reach the site, no proper loo facilities, everyone else drinking hard. DP really wanted to go and, although there were other people going we know, hadn't arranged to be part of their group so wanted the company. I agreed to go but asked that we leave together before it got too late, 9 or 10 ish. I didn't fancy another weekend night in the house on my own. I feel like it's becoming a bit of a habit.
He's been out on the lash three out of the last four weekends (since we moved into our new house after staying with his parents for a bit). Lack of transport late at night means he's slept over at a friends house on these occasions. The weekend he didn't go out we had five of his family members to stay, so it wasn't exactly a weekend to ourselves and took quite a lot of work.
At 7pm, DP announced he wanted to stay at the festival after all, in a friends tent. I got a bit upset at being ditched again, but he'd paid for a ticket, it's a once a year event, he works hard etc, so we said goodbye and I left him to it. He was going to get a lift home in the morning.
At 9am Sunday I got a call asking me to collect him. I drove the half hour to pick him up and found him by the side of the road, looking terrible. We had to stop three times on the way home and he still managed to vomit out of the moving car with inevitable gross consequences. When we got home he went to bed. I bought his usual hang over cures at the shops, woke him after lunch in time to go to a family visit we'd arranged (his family), cooked an early dinner and we went to bed at 9pm.
I know he's not pregnant, that he works hard, that it's not his fault I don't have much of a social life here etc. I'm just a bit fed up with all of his weekends getting taken up by drinking and subsequent hang overs when I spend all week on my own as it is. He says he appreciates what I do but I don't see him to do anything to show this. I wouldn't mind a weekend together doing stuff he knows I'll enjoy, or the odd treat for both of us like dinner out or the cinema that costs no more than a night on the tiles with his mates.
Am I being an unreasonable, naggy, boring wifey, curtailing his freedom because I have no life? Or is it reasonable of me to expect a little solidarity while I'm carrying his child, and a few weekends of us enjoying time together before we become a family and have no time for such things anyway? If the latter, how do I make him see this? I've tried telling him how I feel, suggesting things we could do together, and nothing ever comes of it.
Sorry for the essay!
I would have reached the limits of my patience long before now. I think you've been very understanding! Is he just trying to squeeze in as much fun as he can before the baby comes? You need to tell him how you feel and both plan something for you to do together.
I was going to say YABU at first but no adult man with a family should get in that state. It's extremely immature and reckless. As a parent you have to look after yourself and that is not looking after yourself!
Sorry, just realised you've tried this. Can you just go ahead and book cinema tickets and tell him it's happening?
YANBU, a night out with his mates once in a while would be perfectly all right.
As it is, going out to get passed every weekend is not, particularly as it has an impact on family finances and detracts from what you're able to do together as a couple.
Why not try arranging a meal out or other activity you want to do for next weekend and just tell him "this is what I'd love for us to do on Saturday night" and see how he reacts.
How is this going to work when you have a kid? Is this the last hurrah from him before he becomes a dad, or is it going to stay the same?
yanbu particularly if money is tight & he's quite literally pissing it away.
Do what the pp have suggested with cinema etc
Also if his lift in the morning is sorted but then falls through, I think you should have a morning of sickness that's so bad you cannot go & pick him up. Let him get himself home in such a state, may make him think twice next time!
Thanks for your replies. Booking something for us to do and telling him about it would be great. I need something that's free at the point of booking though, as my bank account is full of tumbleweed.
(We're in the process of setting up a joint account. Never needed one before as we've both had our careers, earned our own money and paid half each of everything. He holds the purse strings at the moment, it limits my choices a bit.)
Could book a table or something. Would that be cheeky if I'm expecting him to pay?
For what it's worth I think he'll be amazing when the baby is born. I'm telling myself it's his last hurrah. It's just a few too many hurrahs in a row for my liking.
He needs to grow the fuck up, I would be fuming! Nagging is a massively sexist word used by men to put women down, you are totally justified in being annoyed. I would be having a serious talk with him about responsibilities.
What's done is done. Yanbu, he's being a cock.
Put it out there that you are expecting a nice weekend out next weekend, that you expect him to organise it and expect him to stay sober in solidarity with your bump.
He's had his blow out and you need a destress now.
YANBU. I'd be fuming.
Not quite the same but I can't work and the DCs are at school, most of my friends all work and DH works full time and does a hobby2/3 evenings a week so I feel on my own quite a lot. I expect our weekends to be family time together and they are. I'd be fuming if DH was doing what yours is, especially when you don't have friends in a new area.
He does need to grow up and realise he isn't a single lad getting wasted and going to festivals. Working hard is a fact of life, not an excuse to neglect his pregnant wife and piss about doing exactly what he wants.
Has he always partied but you partied with him before you were pregnant?
If this is the case then he probably won't change after the baby unless you force him to. Though I think it's going to be an uphill struggle to get him to change, especially as he will be feeling all the extra pressure a new baby brings.
If its just a coicidence that he's had a busy few weeks then just insist on your nice dinner next weekend.
for the baby
We partied together a fair bit before ttc. We lived in London then, knew we had no responsibilities and wanted to enjoy it while it lasted. This was a planned and very much wanted pregnancy, and we always intended to move here to have our children.
I think it upsets me so much because it seems like a refusal to adapt to a new life that I thought we both wanted. My life has changed drastically, I've given up a lot of stuff (most of my friendship group, financial independence etc) and he's making zero sacrifices.
I think what his attitude is, is crucial here. If he genuinely sees it as making the mosy of the last few weeks, then not so bad. But he's not just going out, he's getting wasted. I think he will find it harder than he thought.
How he responds to your plans for next weekend will be very telling. I really do hope that he will grow up when the baby is here. It's not really looking good so far, from what you have said. Some serious conversations need to be had, I think.
You're far too patient, OP. No way would I tolerate this, especially as you're pregnant. How is it going to work when the baby comes along? He won't be able to go out all night and be hungover the following day with a newborn in the house.
He needs to grow up and sort himself out sharpish.
You do far too much for him & he treats you awfully imo.
I don't really get why you drive him to & from work.
What if you were working/ill/when baby arrives!
Was he so pissed tha the missed his lift or they refused to take him?
It's not the going out, it's losing a day because he can't/won't drink less.
And let him sort ouy his own bloody hangove remedies!
I drive him to work because we've just moved house and he's about to take his test (finally). He cycles sometimes but it's an up hill journey and he's a landscape gardener so does a lot of exercise all day as it is.
I'm not working, so I can drive him. If I was, he'd have to cycle all the time. He's going to be driving before the baby is here.
Everyone in his party stayed at the festival until the afternoon. He wanted to come home because he felt so awful (forgets he can't do it like he used to).
I like being nice to him. I quite like him, him being my partner and all.
I'd quite like him to make an effort to show he likes me sometimes though. And not vom on the car. That would be good.
Maybe I'm just a mug.
But he's had three months to take his test.
Or to have done it before moving, knowing that he would need it for his job.
It is nice to do things for people.
And that works both ways.
And doesn't include taking advantage!
He is still behaving like a young, single man with no responsibilities. He needs to address that. Especially as this was planned and you have already given up so much.
A kick up the bum is what is required as you have already had a chat suggesting you do things together and 'nothing has come of it'.
He is being a selfish little boy.
For what it's worth I think he'll be amazing when the baby is born
many a famous last word said....
I am really not sure what you are basing that example of hope over judgment on.
He sounds thoughtless and that he takes you for granted. Can you talk to him about your fears that this behaviour will continue after the baby is born?
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