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To be pissed off at DP's attitude re. his kids and mine?

(80 Posts)
ZanshinJapan Sun 12-Jul-15 18:27:28

A few months ago we had cake-gate. That is, it was DS's birthday, we bought a cake, everyone had a piece ... during the course of the night DSS had 2 more pieces and by the night time there was hardly any left. I merely said to DP that I was hoping the cake would last at least two days. He went absolutely mental and said I was really out of order for implying that his son had more than his fair share. His son actually stood there and admitted he'd eaten it yet DP continued to argue making out that I was blaming his son for no good reason. Now I know it's a trivial issue but it's a case of DP constantly whining about my kids being greedy/selfish etc yet refusing to acknowledge when his son does anything wrong.

Same goes for Pepsi gate. If my son drinks more than his fair share of pepsi - DP goes mental and says "that's why we don't buy it! so greedy!! / selfish!! " etc etc yet his son will literally drink the whole bottle and DP will say "well, its there to be drank".

Biscuit-gate. My kids are told they are allowed a certain number of biscuits and if they have any more than that they're selfish/greedy/unruly etc etc. His son will see his way through the entire biscuit barrel and DP will not bat an eyelid.

Tonight we had doughnut-gate. Yesterday we bought two packets of doughnuts. I specifically said that if DP and I, and my two kids had one each, there would be enough for everyone, including his kids today (his kids were not here when they were bought).

Now, earlier today DP went in the cupboard and immediately started kicking off saying "so much for my kids getting a doughnut each!!! there is only one left!!!". Before he started on a rant about my 'greedy' kids I pointed out to him that I had placed an unopened packet at the back of the cupboard to ensure that everyone would get one today. He begrudgingly apologised.

Imagine my frustration then when tonight, DSS decided to help himself to two of the doughnuts meaning someone else had to go without.

DP's reaction? what reaction.

Now just to not drip feed - DSS is 18 but high functioning autistic. He communicates well and understands the concept of one each. However, as it's not enforced with him, he pushes it and takes more every time. This issue wouldn't be a huge issue to me, other than the fact that if MY kids do it, DP goes mental and won't let the issue drop.

Now after cake-gate, pepsi-gate, numerous biscuit-gates and not doughnut-gate, I'm starting to feel frustrated. As I said, wouldn't be such an issue if he wasn't so keen to bang on about my kids being greedy etc.

AIBU for being pissed off this time? especially as only minutes earlier he was ready to kick off because he assumed my kids had taken his kids share??!!

I don't think YABU - this is a blatant case of double standards, and he is treating your children very unfairly.

Is there any chance he would listen to you, if you tried to explain this to him? Does he ever acknowledge that he treats his son much more leniently than your children?

DoreenLethal Sun 12-Jul-15 18:31:57

You can be as pissed off as you like, but if you can't sit down and discuss it with him and show him how unfair he is being, then you seriously need to consider your future with him.

ZanshinJapan Sun 12-Jul-15 18:32:21

No he makes allowances saying his son is autistic so obviously needs special treatment. To an extent I agree, but not in this way. The lad is not stupid, he knows when he's being greedy and so does DP.

MrsTerryPratchett Sun 12-Jul-15 18:36:40

I think you and DP need to stop using the kind of language you are. Greedy, selfish. It's not the point. Sit down with all the DC (hopefully they are old enough) and work out some rules that everyone signs off on. Is all food up for grabs, do the parents decide which food is to be shared or not, what happens if someone takes more than their share. Once that happens write the rules down, stick them on the fridge and everyone adheres to them.

Iflyaway Sun 12-Jul-15 18:36:44


Seriously, he sounds like a twunt. I could not live with that constant kind of put-down.

How do your DC feel about his constant kicking off?

AuntyMag10 Sun 12-Jul-15 18:37:05

Honestly why are you even with someone like thisconfused it's so ugly constantly tallying up what each other's children are eating and doing. This doesn't sound like a good family setup at all.

QuestioningStuff Sun 12-Jul-15 18:38:16

I'm assuming he lives with you and your DC and his visit? Sorry if that's not the case it just seems that way from your OP.

If so, you need to have a serious honest discussion with him about the way he's treating your children. They will grow to really dislike him and resent you if you don't put a stop to this. I can't imagine wanting to be with someone who thought it was ok to treat my DC like this. When you come together as a blended family you are meant to be just that - a family.

Ber2291 Sun 12-Jul-15 18:38:52

Your diet sounds great...

paxtecum Sun 12-Jul-15 18:39:00

I really would prefer to be on my own than have that drama all the time.

FayKorgasm Sun 12-Jul-15 18:39:33

One of my dc has high functioning autism and it would be very easy to make allowances for her but we don't because it is not going to do her any good. However your situation is not wbout autism,its about your kids growing up hearing they are selfish,greedy. Your dp is bullying your kids.

ZanshinJapan Sun 12-Jul-15 18:40:36

I wouldn't care what each others kids are eating within reason but because he kicks off about my kids eating/drinking stuff constantly it's actually made ME irate about the fact that his son is so bloody greedy yet DP never acknowledges it!! I mean, example being cake-gate which was actually MY son's birthday cake!! imagine if my lad had helped himself to half if DSS's cake? world war 3 would kick off.

And the constant excuse is "he's autistic". Yes he is, but he isn't stupid.

AuntyMag10 Sun 12-Jul-15 18:42:42

Take a step back and think about how ugly all of this is, fighting over biscuits, Pepsi, a doughnut confused.
Can't you see how bad this relationship is. Poor kids, it must be awful hearing all this.

Anon4Now2015 Sun 12-Jul-15 18:43:06

I think you need to talk to your DH and make it clear that this is not an issue you have with DSS.... it's an issue you have with DH! It's not about any of the kids being greedy/selfish, it's about the rules being inconsistent. So tell him that from now on there is going to be one rule for all the kids and he can pick which rule that is but you also expect him to enforce it. So he gets to choose; either the rule is that it's everyone for themselves with food/snacks or the rule is that it gets shared equally. Get him to write his chosen rule down, everyone in the household signs it and you stick it on the fridge so everyone can see it.

chickenfuckingpox Sun 12-Jul-15 18:45:44

i had this with my ex turns out he is an abusive bastard

ENormaSnob Sun 12-Jul-15 18:46:16

Eurrgghhh...get rid.

He is treating your kids like shit.

ZanshinJapan Sun 12-Jul-15 18:46:21

See he has excuses for both of his kids convieniently.

With his eldest I get "I can't tell him what he can and can't eat at his age! he's an adult!" (when it suits, DP doesn't seem to see him as an adult at other times however, such as when I suggest he pays his own way now and again rather than nagging us for drinks and food when we're out!).

With his youngest it's always "he's autistic!".

So no matter what I say now, his kids will always have these ready made excuses for breaking the rules.

workadurka Sun 12-Jul-15 18:46:22

Interesting that all these issues are over (sugary) food. I wonder if there are some food relationship issues with your DP. Or is he like this about toys etc too?

CrohnicallyAspie Sun 12-Jul-15 18:46:51

I'm autistic. Hand over the sugary foods now!

The only bearing I can see it would have is that your DSS might be incapable of understanding the consequences of eating more than his share- that is, someone else will do without and they might be upset or angry about that.

Which is why it's important to have firm boundaries and consequences in place- so that he does understand what will happen. And if that doesn't work, the snacks should be divided up when they come in the house and he is prevented from accessing other people's share!

NeverGoOutOfStyle Sun 12-Jul-15 18:47:10

*'Your diet sounds great...'*not really a helpful comment is it?

I also agree with LTB, what a horrible thing to say about your children!

ZanshinJapan Sun 12-Jul-15 18:48:42

Reg. our diet - during the week we eat healthy. On a weekend (which also happens to be when his kids are here) we relax. I won't apologise for that.

DisappointedOne Sun 12-Jul-15 18:49:24

YABU for buying so much junk food!

CamelHump Sun 12-Jul-15 18:49:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FadedRed Sun 12-Jul-15 18:50:14

He went absolutely mental and said I was really out of order
DP constantly whining about my kids
DP goes mental
immediately started kicking off
He begrudgingly apologised.
that if MY kids do it, DP goes mental and won't let the issue drop
only minutes earlier he was ready to kick off

Is he being unreasonable? Unreasonable doesn't get close OP- he's being extremely abusive to you and your children.

Are your being unreasonable? Yes, if you stay with this man and continue to expose your kids to his abusive behaviour.

FayKorgasm Sun 12-Jul-15 18:51:08

Zanshin gobshites are two a penny round here lately,don't even rise to it.

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