To feel so awkward about my lonely neighbour?

[TheHouseOnBellSt]

We live in a flat, on the same floor opposite is a young woman who is very nice but she's very needy. She's a lone parent to her son who is 2. I live with DH and our 2 DC.

I've sometimes invited my neighbour round for the odd meal...it seems somehow mean not to when I'm cooking a large roast dinner for instance as there's a lot there and I know that she doesn't cook things like that for herself.

She seems to be always hinting or hoping though...and I don't always want company. Today for instance I didn't make a big dinner....just a cheese pie and some wedges...it was eaten a while ago and she just came home from her brother's house and as usual let her toddler bang on my door....one of my DC ran to open it as she likes the little boy a lot and sometimes plays with him.

My nieghbour however will just let her toddler barge into my flat and look helpless when he does it....instead of pre-empting this she will stand there and say "Oh he goes mad if I don't let him knock."

So if I don't want company I just pick him up and carry him back to his Mum...I did this today as I was trying to chill out (am knackered and have flu like thing)

She stood chatting at my door for a while, letting her son scream and try to push his way in....then she asked what I'd been cooking...I told her....and she said "Oh I was at my brother's and he and his wife were making chilli...he wanted me to stay but she didn't."

It's just SO awkward! Like she's hinting for an invitation. This time round there was none left anyway but usually we'd be eating about now and what do I do??

Just shut the door in her face and go and eat dinner with my family?

I've painted her badly because I'm just a bit fed up with MOthering her....I'm about 15 years older and she does view me as a Mother figure I know...she IS lonely and she IS nice but it's all a bit much.

DH and other DC are both out and this is one of the few times I get any alone time!

[TheHouseOnBellSt]

Camel I suppose I should do that...it would be easier and then she won't be disappointed either.

[Stealthpolarbear]

Noooo once you get into a set arrangement you'll be trapped

[TheHouseOnBellSt]

Definitely.... because I really do like her and wouldn';t have her over at all if I didn't....it's not out of pity but she can be very funny etc. She's just a bit full on.

[TheHouseOnBellSt]

Stealth I suppose it might feel trappy if I didn't fancy cooking you're right Oh bugger...

[PresidentTwonk]

No don't do that! Try and get DC in the habit of NOT opening the door! Explain the dangers of opening the door without KNOWING who is there or lock your door so DC can't open it and ignore it. If she says anything say you were busy, in the agh, on the phone, watching a film etc

[Stealthpolarbear]

Can't go away for the weekend at short notice because it's 'her' Sunday, ad hoc family days out?
Not saying you won't do them but she'll be another factor to consider, guilt if you choose to go out or away. Feel the need to rearrange to another time that doesn't suit you.

[Optimist1]

You sound like a lovely neighbour, and YANBU in your current feelings. I agree with PPs who suggest a regular (but not too frequent) invitation for them to come to lunch. Could you do a bit of research and make a list of places she might like to go to with her little one where she might make some new friends? Including an indication of whether they're free or what the cost is. Someone I know did similar for me and it was thoughtful and very useful.

[TheHouseOnBellSt]

President I've tried and tried but he shouts and they know it's him and then they get upset.

And it's the guilt! They know we're in they can hear the TV or conversation.

[CakeLady1]

You could always offer to give her the recipe for what you made...
You're entitled to some peace and quiet in your own home, you shouldn't feel as guilty as you do.
perhaps invite her around at some time pre-arranged?

[TheHouseOnBellSt]

Optomist I have tried....I've told her of all the nice toddler groups etc and she has a support worker who comes weekly to encourage her to go out daily and to help her get a routine for her son. She struggles and had a bad childhood so her boundaries aren't really "in" if you see what I mean.

[TheHouseOnBellSt]

Cake I've given her bloody cookery lessons! I really have and I've offered her the loan of all my herbs and things so she can make nice soups and curries...I've taught her what to buy to make her meals nicer....she persists in buying waffles and sausage rolls and then eating my curries and roasts.


I hope I don't sound martyrish but it's a pita! I want her to be happy and self reliant as we're moving soon.

[PresidentTwonk]

Sounds awful, maybe just explain to her that when he bangs on the door it upsets your DC as they want to play but it's not always convenient but as they're so small they don't understand and cry and feel upset so could she make sure he doesn't bang on the door, would that work?
I'm not sure inviting her around at a pre arranged time would work for reasons mentioned above and you inviting her round hasn't stopped her so far.

[chippednailvarnish]

I've donned my flame proof hat, but I think she is being exceptionally rude. If it was a case of loneliness then she would be reciprocating and inviting you over to hers, even if it was just for a coffee. Banging on a door in the hope that there is a meal to be had isn't nice.

[TheHouseOnBellSt]

President what I did a while ago was tell her "When you're on your way home, if you think you'd like to call round, just text me to check it's convenient and that way your son won't be upset if he knocks and we don't answer....we will tell you if we're busy."

She nodded and all that but then didn't do it!

[MangoBiscuit]

Perhaps you could book in a few weeks in advance, so you have a date in the diary, she'll (hopefully) do less fishing for invites, but you won't be tied to a regular date.

[PresidentTwonk]

I do agree with Chipped! Especially after what you've said there! Sounds like a bloody nightmare, I'd be thankful you're moving!

[TheHouseOnBellSt]

chipped I know it sounds that way but she's young and poor....she can't cook and I have been invited for coffee etc....I honestly don't think she knows she's overstepping the mark.

I know we're moving soon and maybe that's why it'sdoing my head in as I've had enough.

[MillionToOneChances]

So all you need to do it follow through on what you said before, and not answer if it's not convenient?

[MillionToOneChances]

If you're moving then it won't be such an issue. You can invite her occasionally if you'd like to?

[StarlingMurmuration]

God, I feel so sorry for her :(

That being said, YANBU to want your own space at all, OP. You can feel very invaded if someone always wants to join in when you just want to chill. I feel for both of you because you're obviously a nice person so your choices seem to be put up with feeling uncomfortable or feeling guilty.

[chippednailvarnish]

I honestly don't think she knows she's overstepping the mark

She does, but if you're not willing to say or do anything direct about it than you're stuck with her.