To feel caught between DM and DF

[Snoozebox]

Background. DM and DF split up when I was a teenager and the fallout was immense...think both sides of the family refusing to speak to each other, court orders, restraining orders (against DF) etc.

I had hoped things had calmed down lately and I've enjoyed seeing both of them separately when I go to visit (they live in the same town across the country from me, so visits have to be planned with military precision). It's been tricky at times to get the balance right, especially as DM works long hours and has struggled with depression/anxiety, and I don't wish to upset her further.

DM is still holding onto huge amounts of resentment against DF. For this reason I try not to rub it in that I am visit and talk to him too, but she knows and I thought til now she could deal with it aside from a few exhausted tantrums over the years.

She's just had another tantrum today because she found out that I told DF that I am going to buy a house before I told her. I said I have struggled lately knowing when to call her because of her night shifts and I don't want to wake her up. She has just dragged everything all up again and thinks I am closer to DF than her, because I make fun plans and spend more time with him etc. This is not deliberate on my part, I've just told her so, as usually DF's family know I'm visiting and plan ahead to include me in their outings, whereas DM never seems to be available. When she's not working, we sometimes spend time together but she also spends a lot of time with her partner.

I've told her the solution is for her to plan to spend some time with me when I visit like DF's family do, but her lack of flexibility is frustrating both of us. I naturally want to make the most of the time I spend when visiting but DM has never once suggested we go out and have fun...lack of money, energy and good humour seem to be her excuses, even when I offer to pay. DM sees the fun I have with DF's family on Facebook and through my brother and I've just realised she still gets upset about this.

What else can I do to make things better?

[SaucyJack]

Nothing. There is nothing you can don MW

[PotteringAlong]

It will never be better, she will always find something to moan about.

[SaucyJack]

Bloody baby!

No, there's nothing you can do for life's fun sponges.

Ditch the guilt and leave her to wallow in her misery.

[Snoozebox]

It's really hard to jolly her out of her sulks. She was like this with DF too...he would always be the ones with the energy and the ideas and plans...and now she wants me to make her feel wanted and do the same. It's exhausting, especially when she knows her own hometown better than I do!

[junebirthdaygirl]

I wouldn't engage in it or try to justify it or humour her out of it. Just say lm sorry you feel that way or something bland like that. Then continue as you are. You are doing nothing wrong . People can let bitterness rule their life but don't let it rule yours. You sound a good daughter to me.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

If she wants it to be a competition for your attention and affection then let her get on with it. Don't make plans to see her, let her do all the running. If she complains that she never sees you, tell her why.

I can't think of one good reason why you should be setting aside time to see her when it's not any fun for you.