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Aibu to advice my friend not to have a third child because she does not have a career?

(130 Posts)
Rebecca2014 Sun 12-Jul-15 13:15:50

My friend leads a nice lifestyle with her husband and two children, they have been discussing having a third child. With the thought of the 2015 budget in my head, I told her I would not personally have a third child because you never know what could happen in the future (separation etc)

Her husband is the high earner in the family. If they split, most likely she will end up on welfare. Even if she gets a job, she will need tax credits and obviously we all know they are going be cut and limited to two children. Is it wrong of me to think women who do not have careers should not have three children? due to the risk of being in poverty if the relationship fails or something happens to the husband career.

I know you cannot go through life thinking what if...however I feel women who rely on their partners income are at risk. Am I overthinking this?

formerbabe Sun 12-Jul-15 13:17:28

You are being completely ridiculous.

NataliaBaker Sun 12-Jul-15 13:18:31

If you live life always based on the fact that the worst could happen you'll miss out on everything.

EatShitDerek Sun 12-Jul-15 13:18:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovesooty Sun 12-Jul-15 13:20:01

Did she ask for your opinion?

GlitzAndGigglesx Sun 12-Jul-15 13:21:01

But there's still the risk of them being screwed over without all the cuts. I can see where you're coming from though

atthelake Sun 12-Jul-15 13:21:08

She'd get welfare if she has the baby any time in the next 18 months but anyway I think you were rude.

SavoyCabbage Sun 12-Jul-15 13:21:32

Yes, yes you are overthinking this.

Teabagbeforemilk Sun 12-Jul-15 13:21:43

Yabu. Having a two or three wouldn't make a huge difference in a split. Following your logic no one should have kids at all if they will depend on one wage.

I don't want three kids, but can't follow your logic tbh. I also worked ft even when my kids were young and still don't follow that sahps without a career are far worse off if they have 3. Sahp is a family decision.

Perfectlypurple Sun 12-Jul-15 13:21:59

Yabu. It's none of your business. Not everyone wants a career.

Drquin Sun 12-Jul-15 13:22:11

To mis-quote someone from another thread - it's one thing to think that, it's another to think it's fact.

I.e. it's not unreasonable to believe having a third child when you've no (apparent) independent source of finances is a wise choice. Whether it's necessary to tell others to lead their lives that way, is debatable.

zeezeek Sun 12-Jul-15 13:23:55

Even with 2 kids she's going to be in a precarious position if she and her husband ever do split as she doesn't work. Personally, I think that women should maintain their independence and keep working. But I would never dream of dictating to another person what they should do with their own lives. Leave her alone and let her and her husband make the decision for themselves without your interference.

museumum Sun 12-Jul-15 13:24:50

I'm not sure that three children is all that more expensive than two - IF you have a sahp or work opposite shifts so need no childcare.
There are a lot of absent parents out there not supporting their children but no reason to think a good involved father with a stable and good salaried income will not pay their share if the couple do split.

STATUSQUO63 Sun 12-Jul-15 13:25:17


Rebecca2014 Sun 12-Jul-15 13:25:21

She asked for my opinion and I said personally I wouldn't because I be scared of the what ifs. She was not offended by my reply.

I posted because generally though I am concerned for the future of women who do end up in that situation.

sootballs Sun 12-Jul-15 13:26:50

It's advise not advice

And you are being utterly ridiculous.

prorsum Sun 12-Jul-15 13:31:20


ImperialBlether Sun 12-Jul-15 13:32:23

I think it would be good advice if:

a) she told you the marriage was struggling and she thought another child might bring them together - but in any case I'd advise against another child under those circumstances

b) you knew the husband's job was at risk

c) you knew the husband was having an affair

Otherwise, if she has a happy marriage and her husband's job seems secure, then you're being unreasonable.

Whocansay Sun 12-Jul-15 13:33:50

Your mate asked you about having a third child and you gave a response that implied she was leeching off her husband and should get a job because they might split up in the future?

I'm sure she wasn't at all offended by that!

You sound as if you're a bit jealous of your friend.

WorraLiberty Sun 12-Jul-15 13:35:17

I'm not sure what's stranger here

Your concern for all womankind, or the fact a grown woman asked your opinion on whether she and her husband should have a baby?

MidniteScribbler Sun 12-Jul-15 13:35:25

I think any person, male or female, should consider their future and how they will support themselves (and their offspring) if they only had could rely upon them self. That includes how many children they may have, their choice of job or career, where they live and how they may support themselves (with the assumption that no one else with help to support them, such as child maintenance).

pillowaddict Sun 12-Jul-15 13:35:51

I'm glad she wasn't offended for your sake and hers - if a friend of mine advised me not to expand my family because there was a good chance my marriage might not survive I'd be hugely offended. Of course we all know anything could happen but if they are happy and secure enough to be discussing a third child it's a little insulting you are forewarning of a scenario involving divorce or separation.

BlinkAndMiss Sun 12-Jul-15 13:44:30

Well if she did have a third child and her and her husband did split she'd just have to get a job. It's not the end of the world and I'm sure she's aware that if they were to separate she'd probably have to make lifestyle changes, as most people are. I don't think having a 3rd child is that much of a big decision when she's already got 2.

Plarail123 Sun 12-Jul-15 13:46:48

None of your business.

MrsKoala Sun 12-Jul-15 13:51:15

Dh and I are planning a third child and one of the reasons this is possible is because I do not have a career. Ie no need to factor in childcare as I'm already a sahm etc. if I had a job to go to which covered childcare for 2dc I wouldn't give it up for a third. If you are already at home, it's not much difference between two and three.

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