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Where do I draw the line with my ex partner?

(40 Posts)
Frillsandspills Sun 12-Jul-15 11:39:42

I've posted on here quite a lot about the situation I've been in as I've found the advice quite comforting.

Basically, my ex P left me because I'm having his baby (even though we've been together years) and he tried to emotionally manipulate me into an abortion then spat in my face when I said no. he's been a total prick about the situation and when we didn't speak and he walked away I started becoming happier as I didn't have him bringing me down.
I recently found out I'm having a little boy and felt my ex P should know as I'd told a lot of friends and I wanted to tell him in person so he heard it from and not his friends as I thought it was important. So I managed to meet up with him in person (our nearest McDonalds at half 6 in the morning..) I brought my scan pictures and tried to cut to the chase. As soon as I pulled the scan pictures out he started laughing saying "and you brought me here for this? Did you really think I'd be interested?" (He brought me to McDonalds not me had I had my way it wouldn't have been at 6.30 in the morning or discussed over a mcmuffin but anyway). I told him I found out the sex, it was a boy, but he wasn't interested. He told me he wants me to stay away from his family as i keep in contact with his mum who's absolutely lovely and thrilled to be expecting her first grandchild. He verbally battered me saying he hates me, he wanted nothing to do with our child and that i was like a leech to his family all because they want to keep in contact.
I'd burst into tears in the middle of McDonalds and we both left and I walked home which took me all of 2 minutes and sat in bed and just cried. I then got a message off him asking what I was calling him and I said I hadn't thought that far ahead (i had but I didn't feel he should know any names I'd chosen because I was so pissed off and upset). Anyway wed both always had a name picked for a little boy as we planned to have children eventually and he wanted me to call him said name. I asked why it interested him if he wanted nothing to do with him and to be honest I can't remember what he said back but he went on to say he wanted to come round for a chat to which I agreed.
He came round and nothing much was said about our baby we just discussed his anger. He eventually left then went out for drink with his friends and called me in the early hours because he wanted to see me and he couldn't sleep thinking about what's happening, so I agreed he could come round on the condition we actually discussed things. He said he wanted me to give him time to come to terms with things before telling everyone about being pregnant (I'd only told close friends and family there's still a lot of people that don't know). I thought this was a brilliant start and he said he would come to scans etc with me and do some shopping for the baby. Alls I wanted that he wasn't a stranger and my child had his real dad who I know deep down would make a lovely father (just not partner).

As I've felt vulnerable lately his support meant the world to me even though he was the one who made me feel like shit in the first place. I let him stay over and one minute he'd want us to be friends and the next he'd act like he wanted something more. I eventually flipped because he was messing with my feelings and emotions especially because I was hormonal and I missed him even though I shouldn't.
Anyway, yesterday he decided he wanted to give our child up for adoption and when I said no he stormed off and didn't want anything to do with me. He said we could be friends but that's it but I knew we'd never be friends because he'd never see me as he doesn't want this baby but he'd led me on thinking he was coming round to the idea and that he was going to be a dad. That's all I wanted.
Apparently now I'm selfish for wanting to keep my child because he won't have a dad.

I should have known not to let him back in any way even if it was just for a few days. I feel heartbroken all over again and stressed out to the max. He really wants to move on with other women and he won't let me announce my pregnancy on Facebook. I know all of my friends on Facebook and it would be the quickest easiest thing to do to let everyone know, as I want to because I feel I should celebrate the little life I'm bringing into the world. A few friends have done similar announcements and I don't want my child kept some sort of secret, but he doesn't want people asking him questions, I assume because he's either ashamed of me, or ashamed that he wants to walk away I don't know.

I should have listened to everyone else and not got into contact with him, but i felt that i needed to give him a chance.

I need to grow some lady balls and tell him to fuck off really but I adore the man to bits and I'm still utterly shocked about his behaviour. He is NOT the person I fell in love with sad
WIBU to give him another chance or when do I draw the line? I don't really want to wait until my baby is born as I don't want the first weeks or months with my baby tarnished by my ex P messing me about as to whether he wants to be in his life or not. That's if he ever wanted a second chance.

Wideopenspace Sun 12-Jul-15 11:48:44

shock

I think you should ask MNHQ to repost this into relationships.

I also think you should tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck, then when he gets there, fuck off some more!

mummytime Sun 12-Jul-15 11:51:04

Draw the line now!

He is using you. He doesn't care for you.
He has repeatedly told you he wants nothing to do with this baby.

Build up your own support network. Block him on Facebook etc. tell whoever you want. Get on with your life.
The hit him with child support when the baby is here.
(Don't put his name on the birth certificate).

chickenfuckingpox Sun 12-Jul-15 11:55:11

what wide open said plus the kid won't have a father? so you're expected to stay single and pine for him for the rest of your natural are you?

fuck that

one day you will realise he is scum and you will move on and even if you don't want a "dad" for your son trust me you will fulfil all of your son's needs

take your bump and run flowers

AskBasil Sun 12-Jul-15 12:02:00

Oh FFS.

You are in deep, deep denial about what a total shit this man is. You adore him to bits? Why? He's a fucking piece of shit who doesn't deserve the salt of your tears, in the words of a song I can't quite remember.

You need to get some counselling quite urgently, to try and work out why you think this sort of shitty behaviour is something you find acceptable and loveable. Also to work out why on earth you feel that he has the right to tell you ANYTHING about what you are "allowed" to do with your life or your pregnancy. Who the fuck is he to not ALLOW you to announce your pregnancy on FB? Does he control your settings? If not, announce whatever the fuck you want - he doesn't get to have a say in what you do or what you say, he's not your partner any more and he doesn't get a vote.

Can I recommend this book which may help you get an insight into his behaviour, but most of all, you need to get an insight into your own, because you are about to become a mother and you need to be psychologically and emotionally healthy so that your child has the best start in life you can give him. Being emtionally and psychologically attached to this man, won't achieve that.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope it all goes well for you. Look after yourself, don't see this bloke and remember that you deserve better than this.

AskBasil Sun 12-Jul-15 12:03:59

Oh and please don't buy the myths that a baby needs a father and that's the best thing. Bollocks, no baby needs a father like this one, he needs a loving, happy mother who can meet his needs, not one who is desperately trying to meet the needs of a selfish, narcissistic man-child.

Anon4Now2015 Sun 12-Jul-15 12:13:00

I've previously read your posts and I'm really sorry if this sounds harsh.

You really really need to stop contacting him. He has made it clear several times he does not want anything to do with this baby and doesn't want a relationship with you. He's a dick and an abusive dick at that. But you need to accept that he's a dick and leave him alone. Stop contacting him. Stop telling him about your pregnancy. I know you want to share it with him and not feel alone but he's not going to share this with you in a positive way no matter what you do so LTB.

Tell him that when the baby is born you will will ensure he is contacted and at that point the two of you can discuss maintenance and contact. Until then do not contact him and do not reply if he contacts you.

In terms of a relationship with you, no you don't give him another chance. You've given him plenty of chances and he's made his position clear. He isn't even asking for or wanting a second chance (not that it should make a difference if he decided he did want a second chance after all this). Sorry to be blunt but this relationship truly has no chance of ever working and if you tried to make it work in all likelihood it would be extremely damaging to both you and your child. So leave him alone.

Anon4Now2015 Sun 12-Jul-15 12:15:23

And stop letting him "allow" or "not allow" you to do anything. Is this what you want for your child - for them to grow up with a mum who is too afraid to do what she feels is best? Do you want your son to grow up thinking that men get to control women in that way?

Frillsandspills Sun 12-Jul-15 12:22:48

Thank you I needed a blunt answer really.

After telling him about the sex which I now know I shouldn't, it was him who contacted me and led me to believe he wanted to come to terms with things and be involved. Now I really do feel stupid. I think I latched on to everything he's said with utter hope he meant it. The only thing I'm currently contacting him for is my laptop that id appreciate he'd give back.
If he tries to come round again and "talk" as he's tried to do before il tell him where to go. I just don't want anyone in RL to think less of me for pushing him away from myself and my child if he wanted to be there. I should have known he didn't want to change. At one point he said "just give me a month I'll show you I've changed" - guess not.

I'm just really struggling to come to terms with being a single mum. I know it will be hard and I know I can do it, but I honestly thought he was willing to help as it was his idea to come round and discuss things, alls I wanted to do was tell him the sex. I planned my life with him and when he first wanted to come round and talk to me I imagined it would be full of apologises and talks of our baby but now I'm under no such silly illusion.

Thank you for the book suggestion i will definitely be ordering it.

Mermaidhair Sun 12-Jul-15 12:24:58

He sounds like a huge loser. He isn't even acting like a man. What a disgusting excuse for a father to be. Sorry to be so blunt, but you need to hear this. He does not care about you and he definitely does not care about your baby. He is playing some stupid game with you, and you are playing along. You need to step up as a mother right now. This man is scum, forget about him. Block his number, move on with your life. Tell people about your baby. Start getting excited and start getting prepared. You will meet somebody who would be honoured to have a baby with you. You and your baby deserve so much better.

Guiltypleasures001 Sun 12-Jul-15 12:25:35

I think you should take out a full page advert in your local paper and announce the pregnancy that way.

Your enabling got his shit treatment of you lovely so please stop doing that. Tell whoever you damn well please you need the support, oh and let his lovely soon to be grandma exactly what he's been saying.

And yes tell him to get to fuck thanks

Ps congratulations

Mermaidhair Sun 12-Jul-15 12:27:50

Sorry, I have just read your last post. Good for you for making some changes. Yes it's hard being a single mum, but I promise it will be easier than dealing with this person. Congratulations on your babyflowers

Frillsandspills Sun 12-Jul-15 12:28:06

Reading it all back I know how ridiculous and weak I sound sad

His words were "don't put it on Facebook just yet I want to come to terms with things first before every man and his dog knows"
I genuinely thought he'd take the time to come to terms with having a child and I told him I wanted him there for my baby (as much as I appreciate affection I didn't want a relationship but I just didn't want to hear he'd move on with other women - what if he got them pregnant and stuck around for them?)

A lot of people I've confided in in real life have been telling me what I want to hear rather than being brutally honest, which doesn't help at all.

CaptainSwan Sun 12-Jul-15 12:31:34

This manipulate bastard is a prime example of someone who would be crap at relationships with anyone- as a partner but especially as a father. Let him nowhere near your child, he will use them to manipulate you further and probably you use to manipulate them too. He will be NO asset to your child's life and you need to be clear on that right now. I'd probably even cut contact with his DM to avoid contact with him tbh.

Frillsandspills Sun 12-Jul-15 12:41:44

Thank you. I've never wanted to be one of those people who stops their child from seeing their father because no doubt he will act like father of the year and turn everyone against me BUT as long as I know it's for the best that's all that matters.

Glad it wouldn't seem unreasonable to raise my child without his father as my ex P seems to think it is.

Ahemily Sun 12-Jul-15 12:42:31

Perfectly put, wideopenspace

Sorry OP, but he's a total prick.

Aussiemum78 Sun 12-Jul-15 12:46:13

I'd block him on Facebook, he isn't your "friend". Don't contact him at all, keep contact with his family minimal for now.

Surround yourself with support, announce your pregnancy when you are ready, do whatever you want.

SideOrderofChips Sun 12-Jul-15 12:54:33

Hes a cunt pure and simple. Draw the line now

Whocansay Sun 12-Jul-15 12:56:24

The only reason he doesn't want you to tell people is because he doesn't want people to know that he's dumped his pregnant girlfriend. I suspect he thinks he can persuade you to get rid of your baby even now. This guy really is a cunt. Just stop contacting him and make plans for you and your baby.

And tell people. The sooner the better, as you will need the support.

I wouldn't give him further information about the baby. He will use it to hurt and manipulate you. I definitely wouldn't tell him when you're in labour. I wouldn't even tell him about the birth until you've had time to recover.

I hope you choose a name that you love, and has nothing to do with him.

Good luck and congratulations, OP flowers

wtfisgoingonhere Sun 12-Jul-15 12:58:03

I'm with previous posters too, no more chances, no more contact, block him on Facebook and announce your fantastic news wherever and however you like to your friends who will share your excitement and be there to support you.

Being a single mum will be hard (at least at times) BUT it would be 10 times harder with him in and out of things.

Different circumstances but the controlling aspect remind me of my mum's ex, she has been divorced 2 years now and happily settled but took her 7 years to leave and she wishes she did it sooner, don't let that be you

Also bought her the book recommended above, is a good read

flowers take care of you and baby

Anon4Now2015 Sun 12-Jul-15 13:05:13

Frillsandspills I'm a single mum and my DC's father sounds very similar. I was terrified of being a single mum but in fact it has been fine. there are some things that are harder than being part of a couple and some things are easier. But everything is easier than being with someone abusive. You can do this. You really can.

Don't chase him for your laptop back - it's his way of keeping contact with you and keeping control. Ask a friend or family member to deal with the laptop situation for you and cut all contact. You don't even need to be the person who contacts him when the baby is born; it's OK to ask someone else to do that too.

And post whatever you like on Facebook. If you still have him as a Facebook friend block him though - not because of the announcement just because you need him out of your life. In fact post on Facebook right now.... it can be your next step in living your life and not being under his control.

Bogeyface Sun 12-Jul-15 13:06:11

He doesnt want it on FB because then everyone will know what he did. He wants to be a complete bastard and you to cover for him. So dont.

If anyone asks tell them the truth, tell them that he wants the baby adopted, why the hell should his vile words get covered up by you?!

Silvercatowner Sun 12-Jul-15 13:08:58

Cut ties completely. No FB, block his number. It is hard to get over a relationship whilst staying friends, even with the most reasonable of ex partners. This prat is manipulating you.

Tooooooohot Sun 12-Jul-15 13:12:09

Why the fuck are you concerned about people thinking you have pushed him away when he wants to abort or give away the baby? Ffs, get a grip, stay awAy from him, don't accept calls or visits at night, start being responsible. You sound quite immature.

Starlightbright1 Sun 12-Jul-15 13:14:07

You already know you need to block him on Fb.. Your phone..

You need to announce your Pregnancy on Fb because you want to and you need the support of people.

I would not bother to inform him of the birth. He will know when the baby is due.

You remind me of lots of posts on MN that encourage contact because you want them to have a Dad However for men like this it is nothing to do with the child it is about attacks/ access and upsetting you.

Re maintenance you can go directly to CMS.

I do understnad the wanting to give him a chance I did this with my Ex as I wanted us to be a family..This was not best for my child as my Ex was not interested in becoming a family or our child despite him been planned

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