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to think my DH is lazy and entitled

(7 Posts)
JillBYeats Sat 11-Jul-15 21:23:04

I have been married for 20 years. From the early days it drove me nuts that DH never lifted a finger to pick up after himself never mind do housework. We both worked full time but his time was always more precious than mine. Now I have been a sahm for 14 years. He works 6 or 7 days a week and has very little to do with the DC. He will put the younger to bed and loads the dishwasher most evenings - he calls it "cleaning the kitchen" but unless it is rinsed and empty and lined up beside the dw he does not deal with it. I have been searching, without luck, for work for the past 2 years (since our youngest started school). It has to fit in around the DC as he won't deal with childcare (he is self-employed) and I will only earn minimum wage which would just cover childcare and we live rurally so it's not that unusual to find this difficult. We have struggled financially for the past few years and I have a private income which was been put aside for DC's education but is now paying our mortgage. I have recently started a small business (from home) too which will never make me rich but will help us through the leaner times. My problem is that while I do practically everything around the house dh who used to be supportive of me being a sahm is now increasingly nasty about it. He constantly refers to "while you were reading your book today" (about what I was doing that day: NOT reading a book: I wish) or just now we had dinner and usually I clear up (and stack beside the DW) I said maybe you could give me an evening off this evening and clear up after dinner he said "I have been working hard all day and you've been doing nothing all day". He has a point in that it's saturday and wet so the dc had some friends over but I baked for them, made lunch, ferried them to and fro and prepared dinner - not a hard slog but someone had to do it. I hate that he has this growing resentment towards me and my time - he is also so scathing when I do tell him what jobs I've applied for ("You won't get that" is a typical response - unfortunately he's usually right).
I don't know how to handle this. I feel that the DC have benefited from having me around, so did he but he seems to resent me so much but is terrified of confrontation or being seen as the bad one in any way (he won't vote in case he "gets it wrong"). In his stories he is always the wronged one never the one who made a mistake or said the wrong thing. We are married so it's not as simple as LTB (I wish!) so am IBU in thinking he is lazy and entitled and if so how do I help him realise this or if not how can I change my way of thinking to realise how lucky I am to get to wait hand and foot on this man-child for the rest of my days???

Euphemia Sat 11-Jul-15 21:26:30

Have you tried to sit down and have a serious, calm chat about what you want from life? How you see your life changing as the DCs grow up?

OTheHugeManatee Sat 11-Jul-15 21:46:40

I think you need to tackle what is wrong in your relationship, not just his behaviour. He is being a twat but is clearly unhappy and you are also clearly unhappy. You need to see if you can sort out the underlying problems or you will end up having to leave him for your own sanity and happiness.

Lweji Sat 11-Jul-15 21:54:43

It sounds to me as if he is worried that you will get back to work and he will actually have to step up as a parent and contributing at home.

Does he really need to work those long hours? And do you know that he does work them?

petalsandstars Sat 11-Jul-15 22:04:49

If your income is paying the mortgage what is his paying? Should he get a job instead of self employed if it's not paying enough?

RedandYellow24 Sat 11-Jul-15 22:09:50

If he's working 7 days a week then sounds like it might be better you work weekends and he only does 5 days. That way he can see all unpaid work you do when your not working! If you do get a job he wil have to cut his work life back unless your planning on only working nights, this should help him get over himself over your not working situation. But he can't have it both ways if you are willing to go out to work he also has to fill the gaps in childcare too or quit moaning. I think just restricting yourself to school hours/term time will do you no favours. How much does he earn? If you will be on mim wage will you be earning more than him?

GetSomeCatsOut Sat 11-Jul-15 22:11:07

Gosh, he sounds pleasant (!)

Has he always tried to crucify your self esteem? Applying for jobs is tough and you need someone to be your cheerleader not your kicker!

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