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To think MIL has been a bit inconsiderate?

(71 Posts)
SteggySaurus Sat 11-Jul-15 12:18:10

I had a miscarriage early last year. The day I found out I had been shopping and bought a beautiful baby book. I was so excited to start filling it with scan pictures and other things. We took it round to MIL's that afternoon to store with the other baby things there and then I ended up having to go to hospital.

When I got pregnant again she took the box of things out and asked if we'd be using them. I got a bit upset seeing the things we had bought and was caught off guard. It brought back a lot of memories and added to the worry that it might happen again. OH spoke to MIL and asked her to keep hold of the box until we were ready to sort through it.

DS is now four months. We visited MIL last night and she brought out the book that I had bought and showed me that she had filled it in with things about DS. I thought she'd gone and got a new book but when I asked her she said "No, it's the one that you got. It's just gathering dust and going to waste. So I thought I'd make use of it." To my horror I found out that the scan picture of the baby which was in an envelope inside the book had been binned. When I asked her why she didn't ask us or at least mention it to us first she said she didn't want me overreacting like I did last time.

I appreciate that she's excited about her grandson and wants to do something like this, despite me saying I like the idea of there just being one special baby book filled in by parents when she suggested buying baby books for my SIL and BIL. I know I can't be mad at her for filling out a book but that book wasn't for DS. Getting back on track after the miscarriage was so hard but I knew I had reminders of the baby to go back to when I felt ready. Now the scan pictures are gone I feel a bit like I've lost her all over again.

DoreenLethal Sat 11-Jul-15 12:23:03

Wow. That's brutal.

Very inconsiderate. That picture and the book wasn't hers to bin or fill in.

LazyLouLou Sat 11-Jul-15 12:26:23

Take a deep breath. She was inconsiderate but probably not deliberately so. Her comment about your over reacting was out of order though. Her having thrown away the scan pictures is, to you (and most other people I would think), nigh unforgivable.

However you don't need to give it any more head space. If you think he can, without getting too upset himself, ask your DH to tell her she is upsetting you by pushing too hard, too fast and that he will now take the box of things and that she was out of order for throwing away the scan picture, what was she thinking of? (he can put the box somewhere you won't have to see it).

You are right, she will do what she will do regards pictures etc. But your child is yours. Don't let her way of loving him damage yours.

Jelliebabe1 Sat 11-Jul-15 12:28:53

Wow! I can appreciate her using the book but throwing away the scan picture! Bang out of order! What did your oh say

BlusteringBlues Sat 11-Jul-15 12:32:33

Using the book is a bit inconsiderate but can be understood as her trying to using the book positively. Throwing away the scan picture-I'm speechless. Unforgivable imo, she had absolutely no right to do that-what has your dp said?

HelenMirrensHair Sat 11-Jul-15 12:38:26

Totally out of order throw ing away the scan picture, as a practical suggestion can you get in touch with the hospital and see if they still have a copy?

Back to MIL she may be one of those people who still see miscarriages as not to be talked about, this isn't an age thing, some people are like that. My sister being one of them, she refuses to discuss her own losses, and dismisses others, I think for her while it comes across as cold it's a protective instinct.

I think you should ask your DH to have a gentle word, and to remove any other mementos.

Maybe take a step back for a few weeks, and you and DH enjoy your little boy

VixxFace Sat 11-Jul-15 12:40:15

That is awful. That scan is one of the few reminders you had of your precious baby.

Beyond rude.

mmmuffins Sat 11-Jul-15 12:40:40

That is really bad. She has been so thoughtless, and in fact overtly offensive with the "overreacting like last time" comments. She needs a serious talking to, and you/DH need to move the box out of her house and store it at your home or with someone who has an iota of respect for your feelings.

RabidFairy Sat 11-Jul-15 12:43:04

I think her filling in the book was not a bit thing. As she said it was gathering dust and she probably thought it would be a nice thing to do for you.

However, binning the scan pic was very thoughtless and definitely inconsiderate. So sorry OP.

RabidFairy Sat 11-Jul-15 12:43:40

Not a bad thing, even.

BoopTheLoop Sat 11-Jul-15 12:47:13

She binned the scan? That would be the end for me. There would be no going back.

totallybewildered Sat 11-Jul-15 12:48:09

it may be she has had miscarriages herself, and has coped by minimising them in her mind, and thinks she is helping you do the same.

Her generation would have been expected to put it firmly behind them and never give it another thought.

SideOrderofChips Sat 11-Jul-15 12:50:38

She binned the scan picture?! What a bitch! YANBU

BoopTheLoop Sat 11-Jul-15 12:54:00

totally do you just make constant allowances for anyone over 50 then? They grew up with homosexuality was illegal, when abortion was illegal where black people were second class citizens. Do we allow them the right to keep these views or do we firmly tell them that things have moved on?

The scan picture was not hers to destroy. It doesn't matter in the slightest what she may or may not have done if she may or may not have had a miscarriage. It wasn't her decision to make.

HermioneWeasley Sat 11-Jul-15 12:57:02

She threw away the scan picture??!! What did you say? I'd have gone mental

Hygge Sat 11-Jul-15 12:57:14

She's been more than a bit inconsiderate.

I would have been so upset and furious.

She might not have wanted to upset you by asking about the scan picture, but why on earth would she not just leave it where it was until you made up your own mind what to do with it?

What harm was it doing sitting inside a book, inside a box, waiting for you to feel ready to sort through the things and decide what you wanted to do in your own time?

And how dare she use your book?

When you go through a loss, these kind of things matter, even if it's too painful at first to keep things or look at them. That book was a memento of your first child, it was up to you to decide if you wanted to keep it the way it was on the day you lost your baby, use it for your next child, or throw it away.

It was not up to her to rifle though the belongings you'd asked her to store for you, picking and choosing what she wanted to keep, throw away, or make use of herself.

And then to blame you for being upset like last time as the reason she acted without speaking to you about it.

She's been a bitch. She had no right to use or discard any of those things. If her issue was not wanting to store your things then she could and should have asked your DH to take the box back and put it away somewhere else until you were ready to look through it.

My PIL's asked for pictures of our daughter, who was premature and died just a couple of hours after she was born, and then lost them. They proudly announced months later that they'd found them again in a box of rubbish they were about to take to the tip. I can't tell you how hurt and angry I was at them. We had hardly any pictures of her as the camera wasn't working properly, and they took some of the most precious ones we had and treated them like bits of rubbish.

I don't know what goes through some people's heads, but it's certainly not anything to do with empathy or understanding of someone grieving for a lost child.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, and for the way this woman has treated you. flowers

Tootsiepops Sat 11-Jul-15 12:58:30

I don't think I could forgive someone for throwing away scan pics. My heart is hurting for you OP flowers

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Sat 11-Jul-15 13:01:58

Using the book? a little thoughtless.

Binning the picture? just awful, I really do not know what would have gone through her mind to think that that was an OK thing to do. Even if we're going to make allowances for the 'age thing' hmm throwing something away that isn't hers isn't acceptable.

Sighing Sat 11-Jul-15 13:02:03

It's not restricted to a certain generation though. Unfortunately the reaction of most people to my first miscarriage was so blunt / insensitive / plain cold that we simply didn't bother mentioning anymore and have significantly withdrawn socially. This for me includes my mother and best friend (30's) (who pointed out it was a very common experience, what did I expect at my age).

flowers I am so sorry your photo is gone. 2 of my mc I have nothing to show. I've planted a tree. Just DH and I know what it represents to us.

overthemill Sat 11-Jul-15 13:04:09

Booptheloop - what an odd thing to say! I'm well over 50 and do none of those things. It may have been 'call the midwife' when I was born but I was a feminist in the 70s, marched to ban the bomb, against homophobia and on many an anti racism demo!

The behaviour of the MIL was thoughtless and unkind but probably not wittingly so. And not indicative of age but culture.

OP I am so sorry for your loss and for the loss of the important scan pictures and the use of your precious book. My scan pictures are in a safe place where I can look at them if I want to. Those of my living child are somewhere else more public. I think you should ask your DH to gave a quiet word and get back the box and put it somewhere safe for you when you want it.

Blu Sat 11-Jul-15 13:13:55

I am probably of 'her generation' and think it was a terrible thing to do. It was my grandmother's generation who took a 'put it behind you ' attitude, and not all of them, at that! And even my parents generation were the hippies, civil rights and women's lib campaigners. People on MN are so often stupid about 'the older generation' , which is simply a generation of normal people peppered with a few racists, insensitive and ignorant folk like every other generation.

So sorry your MIL felt able to take such a decision upon herself. I agree , it will be good if your DH can kindly but firmly assist with some boundary setting.

TruJay Sat 11-Jul-15 13:14:02

Oh man, op I'm so sorry for your loss. I have no words, I just wouldn't be able to forgive her for throwing away the scan picture, who does that? Really who?
Congratulations on your little boy flowers

SteggySaurus Sat 11-Jul-15 13:17:11

Thank you everyone. DH is going back round today to help FIL so he said he's going to talk to her. Apparently she asked him if she could use the book and he said he didn't think it was a good idea. But he thinks that because he didn't actually say the word no that she's took what he said as "I don't think it's a good idea but you do whatever the hell you want mummy dearest."

I can't remember if the envelope with the scans on was marked scans or not but even still, she's not shy about snooping so she would have looked in it. Either way she knew what she was throwing away.

DH said to her last night that he was upset for me and thought she was out of order. When we got home he was furious and went off on a rant about how she is. They clearly have some things to sort between them as well as this. He also said that my SIL has a baby book for DS and has been filling it in. I know that they all love him and want to do these nice things for him but I said that I'd prefer it if there was just one that we filled in for him. I know I'm being a bit precious and I do love that everyone wants to make a fuss. My own family respected this but have made a photo album and my niece has made a cute little scrapbook. The book was in a bag in the box, not taking up room or hurting anyone. If she had to do something she could have bought a new one.

She didn't actually apologise. Not that that would bring the photos back or delete what she has done in the book.

Todayisnottheday Sat 11-Jul-15 13:23:21

What did she say about the scan pictures? What reason did she give for binning them? The book, I can see your pov and would feel the same but, ultimately, let it go however the scan pictures are beyond the pale imo. I'd want to know her justification for that!

DoreenLethal Sat 11-Jul-15 13:24:00

So she AND your SIL are filling a baby book in for your son?

Boundaries - you need them. Pronto.

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