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AIBU re InLaws and access to Dd?

(110 Posts)
ForeverTiedtoHate Sat 11-Jul-15 10:43:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoreenLethal Sat 11-Jul-15 10:46:27

If they are awful to you with you there, how awful might they be if you weren't there?

I'd say thanks but no thanks, your STBXH can sort out their access when he sees them. And they have NO authority over your daughter, by the way.

Jelliebabe1 Sat 11-Jul-15 10:49:40

Once a week is a lot! Ho w about once a month?

GloGirl Sat 11-Jul-15 10:50:34

Without knowing quite what 'awful to you' means, I think yabu.

You can always reassess if you find they are acting less than proper.

CantAffordtoLive Sat 11-Jul-15 10:50:38

No. No. Do not do this. You have no idea what poisoned comments they will make. They have no right to spend time with your DD.

You are feeling anxious for good reason. Listen to your gut instinct.

OttiliaVonBCup Sat 11-Jul-15 10:50:39

It they are not nice to you I would say no.
They can have access when their son has her.

It might affect how amicable things stay with your ex though.

OttiliaVonBCup Sat 11-Jul-15 10:51:39

They have no authority whatsoever over your DD.

It's all down to you.

3579little Sat 11-Jul-15 10:51:42

They sound awful but you hold all the cards here. If you don't want her to go she doesn't go, simple.

However I agree it is nice for her to be part of their family. Perhaps once every 2 weeks? Also good to have a local emergency contact who your daughter feels comfortable with. I suspect if they have only seen her 3 times this year once a week will prove too much.

ForeverTiedtoHate Sat 11-Jul-15 10:51:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Looseleaf Sat 11-Jul-15 10:51:48

Is there any way you could gently discuss this issue in a non-confrontational way? I would do this but am a very gentle character and it might not be worth doing if there's a risk of an argument as you must be feeling understandably hurt by their attitude to you.

I think a conversation would be best as they can then know from your tone you're being well meaning and trying to build bridges not passive aggressive.

I'd say that you want to be open to them spending time with your Dd and that it's important for her sake but that this can't work if they behave in a way that upsets you- maybe just openly but gently say how certain things have made you feel

RandomMess Sat 11-Jul-15 10:52:24

I don't think weekly is appropriate - to much of an ingrained habit plus I think the "free childcare" element will get thrown back at you at some point.

I would offer every other week at the most - what about after school activities and playdate invites as she gets older?

StupidBloodyKindle Sat 11-Jul-15 10:54:16

No.
They have no authority.
Or legal rights.
And their access time ought to be arranged by your ex during his access time. Not your fault he lives hours away.
You have nothing to gain from this unless you want the time to yourself once a week.
But...if you don't then I would not be.agreeing to this. In court, having only seen them three times in a year, they have no precedent.
Once you start once a week and weekends confused then it will be much much harder to reduce that once that is the pattern.
I would have said to them all access had to be organised by your ex and they had to go through him. But you sound like a better person than I am.

The drip effect/controlling authority/toxic comments would be the reason for my pettiness though.

Phineyj Sat 11-Jul-15 10:54:59

Could you suggest they meet with you and a mediator to discuss this? As treating you with so little respect is just not on. Tbh they are idiotic to have behaved this way to you and hopefully are realising the error of their ways. If they refuse mediation make it all ExH's problem as suggested above.

You must have it out with them or how can you leave a child with them? It will be more awkward to stop this arrangement later if you have created a precedent.

The fact you and they live close is a red herring (although inconvenient for you).

Bellemere Sat 11-Jul-15 10:57:11

If it's part of your daughters time with her dad then I can't see that you have any say in it really.

Looseleaf Sat 11-Jul-15 10:57:42

I also think this is important and you are fantastic to consider it given their rudeness to you as very selfless and generous of you. Assuming they'll be loving grandparents her life might be poorer without them (our DC are loved by theirs so much and vice versa and they are a huge part of them) but only you know if they might be toxic in any way or just loving to DD.

StupidBloodyKindle Sat 11-Jul-15 10:57:54

X post.

You cannot say where or who your ex sees with the kids, unless you know they are abusive. So if once a week/every other weekend is his access time then visits to his mum's are his call, I'm afraid.

SomewhereIBelong Sat 11-Jul-15 10:57:54

I think you are being very sensible allowing access to his family - as you say you are alone in the world and it could get very insular if your little girl grows up with only one member of family.

With the best will in the world her dad won't have that much access will he if he lives hours away. This is a way to keep your little girl's family involved, without requiring too much from you and if they are sensible about it, it could grow into a very loving relationship - and useful for you to have somewhere she can go quickly as a backup in emergencies too. If both sides can stay civil, it could be lovely - for both sides.

Backforthis Sat 11-Jul-15 10:59:23

People who have no respect for your DD's mother and were free with comments in your presence are not likely to keep their mouths shut if they have her without you.

StupidBloodyKindle Sat 11-Jul-15 11:01:33

So they are fetching her at 3/3.30? and ex is driving hours across to his mum's on same day? Once a week, every week?
How do you know ex will be there and how do you know for how long?
Has ex told you this or asked you?

ForeverTiedtoHate Sat 11-Jul-15 11:03:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SomewhereIBelong Sat 11-Jul-15 11:09:34

People are very different before and after a divorce. You may find they warm to you when they do not have the constant influence of their son. You may find you warm to them when they don't constantly feel the need to defend him.

You will be having a relationship with them as people - not as MIL and FIL any more. - that can change a lot, the power balance will have changed, the need to be polite for the sake of it reduced on your side, increased on theirs.

AlpacaLypse Sat 11-Jul-15 11:11:31

If stbxh is going to be there then I think you're right to not stand in the way. If you do prevent access (and I don't think you can anyway, xh has every right to take her to visit family during his times in charge as you and pps say upthread) then sooner or later dd is going to ask awkward questions about why she never visits granny x.

Noctilucent Sat 11-Jul-15 11:24:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Noctilucent Sat 11-Jul-15 11:25:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Starlightbright1 Sat 11-Jul-15 11:31:55

I was going to say Arrange it on EX's contact time. As he is doing that already then remove yourself from the situation. Unless issues come up then you really can't control what he does with his daughter.

If they are abusive via text.. Don't text let Ex sort it out

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