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To be feeling very sorry for myself over this job?

(291 Posts)
Thegirlwithallthegifts Sat 11-Jul-15 03:52:09

I posted yesterday about a fantastic new job I've been offered, but it's looking more and more likely that I'm going to have to turn it down and I'm feeling really bloody down about it.

We're basically struggling with figuring out how I'm going to get there. It's a 20 minute drive away, and buying a new car will be expensive for us.

I sugested using our overdrafts and gradually paying it back with the extra money I'd be earning, but dh is unwilling to use that option.

DH is totally unwilling to compromise or see the very real long term benefits of the job. He keeps talking about how he won't be able to do overtime and how it'll affect him. I'm not denying it wont, but I really feel that I need to make a start on a proper career soon or it may never happen, and I've looked after the childcare side of things for long enough. He keeps telling to to show him the figures, and is being slow at finding out about his companies childcare voucher scheme, expecting me to work it all out. All the while saying its a joint decision that we both have to make angry

He says that his career is the one with the potential to earn more money, which is true to an extent, but a managerial position in the company I've been offered a job with has a good wage, and even the starting salary I've been offered is only £3000 off what he's earning how. It's also taking him a long time to climb the career ladder, and there's already talk from the company about moving me to a more senior role depending on how my probation goes.

I suggested that he could continue to carpool and we could find some way of splitting the car up for the days I need it. He says that there are days where he's not able to car pool, which is true, but it doesn't happen THAT often and I'm sure we could figure out a temporary solution for when that happens.

Then I sugested him driving me and DS into town to catch the bus- no, too early in the morning and too much driving, which I do accept, but I would do it for him if I had to (I have driven him all the way to work many times before) and it would only be until we could afford another car.

I'm just so upset at the horrible unfairness of it all. If this was his job, I doubt we'd even be having a conversation about it. I know we have to find a solution to suit both of us, but he's basically already said no and giving me little room to manoeuvre.

Please, somebody come up with a solution! I'm all out of ideas and will bloody kick myself if I have to turn down a great job.

MuttonCadet Sat 11-Jul-15 03:56:05

You've already come up with a number of workable solutions.

I'd bite the bullet and buy a second car, I certainly wouldn't be relying on him for anything.

Ejzuudjej Sat 11-Jul-15 03:57:56

Do it. Please.
It sounds like your 'D'H will come up with any excuse to stop you from succeeding. Does he want you to stay at home? Why?

lastuseraccount123 Sat 11-Jul-15 04:01:39

is the underlying issue here that your DH wants you to stay home/not be a career woman?

wigglylines Sat 11-Jul-15 04:02:17

Your DH is being unfair. It looks like he's even possibly trying to sabotage it for you, do you think he is? What do you think his objection is really about?

Please don't turn it down because he's being an are.

The overdraft option sounds fine to me. What was his issue with that?

We bought our last car by getting a credit card with zero percent on purchases and buying it from a dealer who took cards. Not an option i'd suggest unless a last option as it did cost us a bit more to do this - we's usually buy privately from am individual and so going via a dealer was more expensive. Also the choice was more limited as not all dealers take cards.

It was our only option at the time though, DP needed the car for work and it worked for us.

SaltySeaBird Sat 11-Jul-15 04:02:52

Take the job, you'll regret it otherwise. Tell him that is the not a negotiation. The negotiation is how - you've given him feasible options, that's the bit you discuss.

Thegirlwithallthegifts Sat 11-Jul-15 04:02:55

Gosh there are a lot of you up at 4 in the morning! Thank you flowers

I've worked from home for the last few years and we haven't had to worry about childcare as I've looked after ds2 all day and have been able to do school pick ups.

It's been great in that respect, but I'm not that keen on my job, there's no steady paycheque and no prospect for career progression. Basically it's really easy for him, whereas if I take the job, he'll have to drop ds1 off at breakfast and after school club a few days a week (which is on his way to work).

Thegirlwithallthegifts Sat 11-Jul-15 04:04:55

I do feel at the moment that he's making it difficult for me to have a career, yes.

icklekid Sat 11-Jul-15 04:05:48

I think you really need to have a proper conversation about how important this is to you. Explain how its not about whose earning potential is greater (although it sounds like you will both be equal!) But about how you need to start working again for yourself. I wonder if he realises the emotional side of giving up work to look after children and how big an ask that is of any women no matter how much they enjoy it! Ask him to come up with a solution if yours are not to his liking but explain you not taking the job is non negotiatiable! Good luck!

winkywinkola Sat 11-Jul-15 04:07:43

Take the job. Without a doubt. Your h is being deliberately obstructive. Does he feel threatened by your possible independence?

icklekid Sat 11-Jul-15 04:09:54

Oh and when I went back to work I had to have similar conversation as suddenly dh life was affected by our child! Previously he could go to work when he wanted, leave when suited, pop to the gym if he fancied etc. I realised that it was only my life that had dramatically changed beyond recognition and that wasn't right! So he now either drops off or picks up from childcare (very occasionally can't ) meaning I can get to work early /stay late to get everything done (teacher so job is never really done but still!) But more importantly it feels fair!

GloGirl Sat 11-Jul-15 04:13:44

Take the job. It's one thing to have to rely permanently on a reliable man but he does not sound supportive or like someone you should be dependent on.

Work it all out yourself. Don't rely on him for anything. Take the job.

Mumbehavingbadly Sat 11-Jul-15 04:15:29

We bought a decent second hand car for £500 for DD to learn to drive in. It doesn't have to cost a lot - you don't need brand new or even close to new really so long as it goes.

If I were you I'd get the overdraft for a manageable amount that you can easily cover with your new wage - buy a cheap second hand car and take your job. You can always upgrade in a little while once you've started to build up a little surplus through the extra wage.

DH needs to get over himself. He may stomp and huff and if it turns into a deal breaker ( he does sound a tad immature and selfish so who knows what the future will bring) at least you will have a satisfying career and be able to support your DC.

Good jobs are scarce - you've worked hard and got one - take it.

DidILeaveTheGasOn Sat 11-Jul-15 04:22:17

Please take the job. It sounds great, and you sound excited about it, which is a really good sign. Get a car by yourself, if that is at all possible.

Your DH may be the greatest guy on Earth but won't you resent him and feel low and angry if you have to miss out on a brilliant opportunity because he's putting his foot down? It basically sounds like he wants to stop you from gaining independence and having a great career of your own, why is that? It doesn't sound good at all. I'm not sure you would be able to just forget about it. Take the job.

Thegirlwithallthegifts Sat 11-Jul-15 04:24:30

That's the thing as well, the company are really enthusiastic about ME. I work so hard at what I do and really know my stuff (it's the same field as what I'm doing now) and it's so nice to get recognition for that.

Dh keeps going on about how I should find something more local. Well, there just aren't the jobs, I've been keeping a look out for a long while and there's hardly anything. 1 job in our town at the moment and it's prime employment season. Also, I don't think 20 minutes is really THAT far away.

There are so many fantastic benefits with the job too- pension, life insurance, childcare discounts for a really excellent nursery for ds2. I'd finally get my evening my and weekends back!

Sorry I'm ranting, I'm just so annoyed at the situation and im not seeing rl friends to talk to until tomorrow. They're going to get a right earful, poor them!

winkywinkola Sat 11-Jul-15 04:31:41

20 mins is nothing.

Want2bSupermum Sat 11-Jul-15 04:38:32

Are you kidding me! He should be thrilled.

I agree with getting a good second hand car for £500 or so. There are plenty around. When I have obstruction from DH I tell him 'Happy wife, happy life'. If he needs more incentive talk about the nice holidays etc you will be able to afford and potential early retirement. If he needs to work late to progress in his career then speak to him about it. Does it make sense for you guys to have an au pair at home to help with household tasks and the DC outside of regular hours?

DidILeaveTheGasOn Sat 11-Jul-15 04:39:56

20 minutes is nothing.

My previous job had a commute of an hour and a half each way.

This job (which I adore, after a year there) it takes me 20 minutes door to door. It's nuts. 20 minutes is a great commute!

I hope you find a way to put your own foot down about this. Life is too short to be firmly and unfairly ruled/squashed by another human being.

cakedcrusader Sat 11-Jul-15 04:42:21

You've answered your own question here - absolutely take the job! There are lots of solutions to make it work but it sounds like your dh will find fault with all of them. You need to talk to him and find out what his problem is.

JessieMcJessie Sat 11-Jul-15 04:44:23

" a bit more local" than 20 mins' drive away? What planet is he on?!

He wants to keep you chained to the kitchen sink and is too lazy to parent his own children . Under no circumstances must you let him prevent you from taking this job.

BeaufortBelle Sat 11-Jul-15 04:48:27

He sounds worried about you being more independent and successful than him and about his status quo. He needs to fast forward two or three years and think what life would be like when his wife is bored, frustrated and sick of restrictions when he'll be far more likely to lose you.

It sounds fabulous and proper jobs with proper benefits like pensions, sick pay and paid holidays are very very important. He should be doing everything he can to facilitate you taking this job.

20 minutes is nothing. I second buying a second hand car that will phut phut you backwards and forwards to work. Tell him how you are going to do it and stop listening to his excuses. Make a budget that sets out how much you will earn compared to now (I suppose childcare might take-up more of your income) and illustrate how your transport will be funded.

Thegirlwithallthegifts Sat 11-Jul-15 04:59:05

You're all bloody fantastic, thank you so much.

I'm totally happy to go small and cheap with the car. Dh's answer to that was he wouldn't want me to drive something that cheap as it would be unsafe hmm

I've worked out childcare costs, and we'll be about £300 pm better off with me in this job after childcare. I know it's not loads, but it will increase when DS2 gets 3yo funding, and DS can walk himself to school in the morning.

There's also a lot of other things we'll be saving on like food (both kids and myself will get all of our meals paid for 4 days a week) so that'll be a huge saving, as well as electricity, water, clothes etc. from not being home every day.

He's just totally unable to see the benefits past having to buy a car.

maras2 Sat 11-Jul-15 05:01:59

20 minutes away? How more bloody local can you get? Get a loan/overdraft/finance deal and buy a car then confront him with a fait a complis.It sounds as if he's never going to agree with anything that you suggest so just go for it.Good luck.

lastuseraccount123 Sat 11-Jul-15 05:08:18

say yes, get a cheap car, prove him wrong.

BeaufortBelle Sat 11-Jul-15 05:10:48

Well if he's worried about you driving a cheap car, he can drive it then can't he and you can have the decent one!

Honestly he sounds like my father in law who put his foot down over MIL learning to drive in 1970! And then moving into a leadership team job. He was made redundant in his early 50s - she continued working beyond 60!

Life changes and we all need to equip ourselves to embrace those changes and be prepared for them.

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