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BIL demanding I attend wedding without baby

(326 Posts)
MadAngryGnome Fri 10-Jul-15 13:02:09

So BIL is getting married soon and he and SIL-to-be (nice but bit of a bridezilla, very anxious about her big day) have just announced that they do not want any children at the wedding, babes in arms or not. Up until now, DH and I had been expecting we'd be bringing our DS, who is 9 weeks now but will be six months old at the wedding.

When BIL sat us down and said they didn't want DS there, we said fair enough, we totally understood them wanting an adults only wedding. However, we said this might mean I would only able to come along for the ceremony part as DS is BF and I wasn't sure if I'd feel comfortable leaving him for the whole day.

This has unleashed a bit of a torrent from BIL. He says it is obviously the most important day of their lives and it is very important to them both that I am there for the full day (don't know why, we're not especially close). He doesn't understand why I don't want to leave DS for ages having apparently already checked with FIL that breastfeeding mothers are technically able to leave their children. He's refusing to accept that I'm not up for coming for the whole thing and keeps saying that I'll change my mind nearer the time. I do totally get that some parents would be fine with leaving their 6mo for a day but I just don't think it'll work for us.

AIBU to think that they get to choose not to have children or babies at their wedding but then don't get to also make the choice that the mothers should be attending without their babies?

ceebie Fri 10-Jul-15 13:04:15

You know you're right. Ignore the silly self-important twunt.

LashesandLipstick Fri 10-Jul-15 13:04:54

I'm with you, it's their choice not to have kids at the wedding but then don't moan when people with kids don't want to go

FryOneFatManic Fri 10-Jul-15 13:05:14

Your BIL needs to accept that any decisions about the wedding that he and SIL make, will have consequences, and that he doesn't have any right to dictate.

And what does FIL have to do with anything?

Loraline Fri 10-Jul-15 13:05:15

Agree with ceebie. Like you said, if they don't want babies there then they have to accept that bf mothers may not come. It's not like it's stopping your DH going.

WiseKneeHair Fri 10-Jul-15 13:05:40

Gosh, he sounds like a groomzilla.
YANBU. I think you need to just stand your ground and be polite, but firm.
it may be the most important day of his life, but he seems to have forgotten that it isn't the most important day of your life.

threenotfour Fri 10-Jul-15 13:05:41

I'm so sorry that you have been put in this position. What a horrible thing for them to do.

They do not get to dictate your parental decisions. End off. It's not a discussion point. They have invited you and due to the circumstances they have created by not allowing your DS you cannot attend all day. There really is nothing to discuss with your BIL at all.

elephantfan Fri 10-Jul-15 13:05:50

He is a complete idiot.
I would not have wanted to leave my six month old all day either and i guess most mums wouldn't.
Since when is FIL the breastfeeding oracle?

meglet Fri 10-Jul-15 13:06:04

I wouldn't go. sounds like a PITA.

Stripyhoglets Fri 10-Jul-15 13:06:09

Yanbu - but bear in mind he hasn't got a clue about babies yet I assume. I don't go to no kids weddings if it's inconvenient to do so.

slightlyconfused85 Fri 10-Jul-15 13:06:33

He is being ridiculous. You may well feel comfortable enough to leave your baby when he is 6mo but there's no way of knowing yet. You have been very reasonable in your suggestions don't back down.

Icimoi Fri 10-Jul-15 13:07:09

Unless FIL is a breastfeeding expert, suggest to him that maybe you know rather more about it than FIL. Yes, some bf babies can be left, but some simply won't drink from bottles, and not all mothers can express. Maybe find some expert professional advice online that explains all that, print it off and present it to BIL?

And if it's that massively important to them, maybe they could relax the no-children rule for any breastfeeding babies and sort out a spare room where you can take DS if he gets noisy.

princessvikki Fri 10-Jul-15 13:07:31

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable, its their choice not to have children and its your choice of you attend. To be honest I wouldn't make to much of a big thing about it now, I would have horrified at the idea of leaving my baby at 9 weeks however by 6 months you probably will feel differently. I would see how you feel nearer the time . It's not worth arguing about now when it's so far off. There's a big difference between leaving your new baby and leaving a 6 month old.

leedy Fri 10-Jul-15 13:07:41

GROOMZILLA! I think he has forgotten that it's a wedding invitation, not a command.

As you say yourself, it's fine to have a no kids wedding, just don't complain when some parents for whatever reason (lack of childcare, cannot leave BF infant, etc.) then can't come.

Mulligrubs Fri 10-Jul-15 13:08:07

Tell him to fuck off. It's fine if he doesn't want any children there but, as you say, by excluding children he has to expect that guests with children may not be able to attend the whole day (or even part of it).

You may well change your mind nearer the time and be fine leaving your baby, but everyone is different. At 6 months I wouldn't have been happy leaving my son for a huge length of time for a wedding. If BIL is being an arse about it I would be tempted to just decline and send my DP to be honest.

fuzzywuzzy Fri 10-Jul-15 13:08:20

groomzilla or what. Attend as you see fit RSVP appropriately and ignore him.

One day he will have children, maybe, then plot your revenge!

threenotfour Fri 10-Jul-15 13:08:21

Also please don't think you can pump for one day. It's not that easy or straightforward, supply, baby taking bottle, etc. I found I actually could not pump at all but bf with no major issues until mine were all 1 yr. BIL obviously thinks you can just pump out a bottle and throw it at your son with a babysitter and it will work. It won't.

Bunbaker Fri 10-Jul-15 13:09:44

He clearly doesn't understand that feeding a hungry baby is way more important than his wedding.

FryOneFatManic Fri 10-Jul-15 13:09:55

I bf both DCs for a long time, but I was never able to pump. It doesn't work for all babies/mums.

You've offered a compromise; he should be gracious enough to accept that.

LazyLouLou Fri 10-Jul-15 13:10:02

Look, do what the squeaky wheels usually do: get in touch with fil and cry all over them, better yet, get DH to do it.

"Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum, I can't bear it....... DB is being so horrible about my baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaybbbbbbbbbeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..." and so on.

Cut the daft sod off at the knees, YANBU, they have made their choice - quite forthrightly it seems - now you have said your piece, just keep repeating it, ad nauseum.

Have a quick chat with DH and come up with a couple of lines you can both use, you know, the MN usual stuff:

Sorry, that doesn't work for us, or
No

leedy Fri 10-Jul-15 13:11:41

Yes, agree with three that even if baby does take a bottle you still have to pump the stuff (or use formula, which you may or may not want to do), not to mention the subsequent fun of (depending on how often baby still feeds) having to spend large swathes of the wedding attached to a breastpump.

Though clearly FIL is An Expert. <sighs>

I had no problem leaving either of my BF boys for an afternoon/evening, say, at that age, but I don't think I'd have managed a whole day.

diddl Fri 10-Jul-15 13:12:41

Tbh, I don't know why you'd bother going at all.

If mine wasn't invited, I'd be staying at home to look after him.

My husband would be going to his brother's wedding or not, as he wished.

SuckMySquallop Fri 10-Jul-15 13:14:24

Tell him to go and get fucked - here's hoping his wedding day turns to shit!

ThumbWitchesAbroad Fri 10-Jul-15 13:14:30

He's a twat, innit.
And given his pig-ignorant rant and mememe-ness, I'd probably respond by not going at all - but if I had to, I would also only go to the ceremony.

I couldn't have left either DS at that age for that length of time and anyone expecting me to would have got pretty short shrift.

Mintyy Fri 10-Jul-15 13:15:05

Lol at fil being an expert on breastfeeding.

Well, you're just going to have to tough it out OP and not bow down to silly Bil.

There's plenty of people who wouldn't want to leave their 6 month old (indeed might not even have someone they could leave him with for a whole day, lots of us don't have family on hand) whether he was breastfed or not! So that's a bit of a red herring actually.

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