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aibu. i need honest opinions on whether i look overweight or not

(34 Posts)
littletwinkletoesx Fri 10-Jul-15 01:26:19

This is something thats eating me up.
I have always been overweight. I have never felt happy with my body. I do suffer with depression and anxiety. I think probably BDD.
Although raising it with my GP or a counseller i was seeing its been brushed over.
I hate to make a fuss. I just hate myself.
I have lost a lot of weight, i cant accept it i dont see what other people see. I still want to buy clothes in my prev size which was 20/22.
I felt slimmer at size 14/16. But im now wearing a 12 i cant accept it.
I can only see fat when i look in the mirror. I see a mummy tummy and stretch marks and all the flaws my body has.
If i ask my DH or DM of course they are going to say i look fine.
how can i get an honest opinion. How can i see myself as others do.
I know i sound vain and pathetic but ive been stuck in this rut for about 18 yrs. It consumes my day. Looking in the mirror. Worrying how i look. worrying about embarassing my family if i lookfat. Worrying about embarassing myself if i wear something that highlights the areas of me that i hate.
If anyone has any suggestions it would be appreciated. How do i accept and view myself as others do.
Im 5"3 68 kg size 12. So the bmi tells me im overweight. its more about how i cant see what others do . Surely a size 12 isnt fat.
Apologies if i seem attention seeking. Its something thats controlling my life. I dont want it to anymore.

Kiwiinkits Fri 10-Jul-15 01:31:33

Tried hypnosis?

spatchcock Fri 10-Jul-15 01:38:36

you certainly don't sound over weight to me. But your thought processes don't sound very healthy - why would your family be ashamed of you if you were overweight? You're much more than the sum of your appearance. Can you see another counsellor? It does sound like BDD.

You can put your measurements into this website

Sorry, I'n on my phone and can't figure out how to link. but you can see Women with your body shape and it might reassure you.

Amethyst24 Fri 10-Jul-15 01:39:06

Yes, you're overweight. But only a tiny bit. Compared to the general population, you're slimmer that average. Without seeing you, none of us can comment on how you look - but that isn't what this is about: it's about how you feel.

If you want to internalise the way other people see you, the only way to do that is to stop giving a shit, because honestly, nobody cares greatly about how others look. But stopping caring about how you look is a massive ask, so it's better to focus on changing the way you feel.

For me, the crucial thing that changed how I felt about my body was exercise - running specifically. It made me stop seeing my body as the enemy and start really being in awe of what it could do - experiencing myself as a physical being rather than as an image in a mirror. It made me respect my body in a way I never had before.

So I'd say, look at changing that, rather than at worrying about what other people are seeing. They're too busy worrying about themselves to care what you look like. If you aspire to being the thinnest woman in the room all the time, you're going to fail for sure.

littletwinkletoesx Fri 10-Jul-15 01:40:00

No. Ive had counselling. CBT I take ADs and beta blockers and diazepam for anxiety.
I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis 7 yrs ago. I was told that i was being ridiculous by my Dr when i told him my worries about having the illness. i know i have low self esteem and this clouds my judgement.
My MS means i struggle with my mobility so excersise is hard. I have never ever felt normal, like I fit in. Ive always felt like everyones chubby friend.
All my life really. Im 33 but have probably felt like this since i can remember.

CrazyOldBagLady Fri 10-Jul-15 01:45:50

Hello you sound about the same height and weight as me. I would describe myself as chubby. I'm not fat, but am overweight. Saying that, if I put some effort into it I could be back to a normal weight within a few weeks. That's my honest answer.

littletwinkletoesx Fri 10-Jul-15 01:52:00

I carry a lot in my boobs. I suppose if i didnt have 34g boobs this would bring my bmi down.
I know writing it down i seem crazy.
People say be happy with what youve got. I know ive been heavier. I know i prob look better than i ever have but i cant see it.
See even with measurments ill still convince myself that my wobbly hips and mums apron on my gut makes me look awful.
I sound so self centred and awful. Its just a big deal to me.
I dont want my DD growing up thinking its normal to feel like this. My DM has always been overweight and her anxieties have been passed down to me.
My gran. Dad mum. Always has criticised my mums weight and mine and my sisters.
She has always been v nasty about it. But since ive lost weight she is v full of praise, telling me i look better. But shame my mum cant lose weight.
Its hurtful. But its just always been acceptable that this is the way you are seen as better in my family.if your thinner

littletwinkletoesx Fri 10-Jul-15 01:59:51

Thanks lady.
See i dont want to be thin. I dont think i could if i tried.
I know ive got curves. I know im 33 and had 2 DC. I know my boobs have seen better days.
I just hate my body. I hate my disability but i know i am lucky for the fact my body gave me 2 perfect DC.
I just see something different when i look in the mirror. Like those circus/ fairground mirrors where you body is distorted.

I know even if i had full body cosmetic surgery. Lol i have a long list. It wouldnt fix the problem
I recognise this. I know the issues are on the inside.
Im fighting with myself.

CrazyOldBagLady Fri 10-Jul-15 02:02:11

It's not just your family, it's society. We women are trained to examine ourselves and compare ourselves to perfection and deduct points accordingly.

To be fair to you, you have done ever so well coming down from a size 20ish and you should celebrate that. You have most likely extended your life span so can spend more years with your children, and have shown them what you can achieve when you are determined to reach your goals.

It probably comes across quite hard when I say I am chubby. I get undressed at night and I think I look ok. I don't look as thin as I did 5 years ago, but I'm ok, I don't find myself ugly and I am lucky that I get positive re-enforcement from my OH who thinks my curves are sexy.

I don't think you are self centered, it just sounds like you are a bit low on confidence about yourself. I don't know how you can win that back, but since you have achieved massive amounts of weight loss that a lot of larger people would be very envious of, I think you should go a bit easier on yourself smile

littletwinkletoesx Fri 10-Jul-15 02:02:47

To clarify my mum.has never ever criticised my weight. Ive just watched her take nasty comments from my nan. And seen how this affected her.

CrazyOldBagLady Fri 10-Jul-15 02:04:36

I have the circus/fairground mirror thing when I see myself on film. I don't look so bad when I look in the mirror in my room, but when I see a pic of myself... well thats how I know I'm a bit of a chubster :D I guess I have a way to go before I am my ideal weight but I don't do much about it at the moment as I have bigger fish to fry and I am overall fairly content. One of these days I will get my running shoes on and blitz a few pounds tho ;)

littletwinkletoesx Fri 10-Jul-15 02:08:12

The irony is that a depressive period that has stopped me from eating = weight loss. has attracted comments on how i.look well etc.
Me forcing myself not to eat, it feeling like the only thing ive had anycontrol over. Its not healthy but the noticeable weight loss has been positive. so the more i starve myself the better I am.
Crazy I know.

CrazyOldBagLady Fri 10-Jul-15 02:18:43

That must have been some depressive period that took you down from a size 20 to a size 12. I'm no professional but by the tone of your post it doesn't sound like it's over.

Do you think your depression has been caused by your illness?

Ignore people's comments, they don't know what's going on and they will just tell any women she looks better when she is thin thinking she was planning to lose weight. I once complimented a colleague on her weight loss and she told me it was because she was going through a divorce and wasn't eating. I'd think twice about offering my opinion on someone's physical appearance again.

lougle Fri 10-Jul-15 03:15:59

Your bust may be responsible for your bmi/weight to an extent. I'm 5'7" and 64kg and size 12, but have a very small bust, so my weight is on my abdomen.

Atenco Fri 10-Jul-15 03:35:47

It sounds like you are at a great weight, OP. So many people do boob jobs and you are naturally gifted. I find it helps to reprogramme yourself. Just tell yourself positive things even though at first it sounds like a lie. But keep on insisting, it does work.

DarkHeart Fri 10-Jul-15 07:13:57

Last year I lost a lot of weight then plateaued at 69kg (same height as you) in the last month I have lost 5kg so now 64kg and no longer officially overweight. However years of low self esteem have left me still feeling fat and unhappy. I am still dieting but am becoming increasingly unsure if I will ever be happy even at goal (60kg). Just wanted to say you are not alone and it goes far deeper than just the weight.

Janette123 Fri 10-Jul-15 09:08:59

according to the figure you state you have a BMI of 26.6. 25 is the ideal so I wouldn't worry about a few pounds, personally.

RachelRagged Fri 10-Jul-15 09:13:57

This is society conditioning women to equate fat = bad .. slim = wonderful Funny, it never hardly applies to Men does it ?

I am slim (not stealth boast) but would prefer to have some of my curves back, and my bust definitely (first go go when I lose weight) sad so it is swigs and roundabouts.

Be happy, life is short x

PuntasticUsername Fri 10-Jul-15 09:38:19

You really, really, really don't need anyone else's opinion on how you look thanks

starkers1 Fri 10-Jul-15 09:56:42

Little- are you able to power walk/ walk on treadmill at incline? Use (light) weights? Or is this all too much of a strain with your condition?

You sound like my friend- same measurements and with big boobs (very envious of those!). She's very curvy/chubby but def not fat. Although my more critical DH does say she is overweight and needs to loose some.

You clearly would feel a lot better in yourself, if you lost weight.
Everyone gives own advice/tips. For me- & as a previous chubby teen the way I control my weight is thinking ahead/looking back at my days food ie. if gorge at breakfast try and have a v light lunch/medium dinner or if I have a hugely naughty dinner- make sure I cut back on breakfast next day.

If I want to shed a few pounds- fast- the serious results come from eating normally during day- but only have a very light dinner and by this I mean a bowl of cereal or a small salad, and as early a possible or nothing at all- on a few alternative days a week- a relaxed version of the 5:2 diet. Next day on the scales, weight has already come off. It does work. Big dinners just sit on you all night with no movement and show the next day. Try & force yourself to do this a few times a week for a month and see the results?

This with going to gym- setting treadmill to incline, holding onto bars and just power walking away- are you able to do that? Burns serious calories.

littletwinkletoesx Fri 10-Jul-15 14:53:47

Thank you all.
Excersise is a problem. I cant use a treadmill. My legs are just not strong enough. Any excertion or if i get warm flares up prev relapses. My eyesight gets blurred and my legs turn to jelly. I just cant do any cardio type of fitness.
I have started a pilates class and i can manage most things with adjustments from my wonderful teacher.

I dont know if i ever will be comfortable with myself. I hate my body for how it looks now i hate it for my disabilities.

Im petrified my kids will be picked on.

A lot of my disability is hidden. I suppose at first glance its not noticeable. but add this to feeling fat and ugly all the time Its awful.

Shockers Sat 11-Jul-15 07:49:58

There is a lady in my Pilates class who has MS. She says that the Pilates helps enormously. It has certainly helped me (without MS) with my posture and core strength, which makes me look, and feel slimmer.

SonjasSister Sat 11-Jul-15 10:08:40

Itsnot about your weight I don't think, it's your body image / self esteem. I think pilates is a great idea as core strength is - well - core and more important you can do it!

But really its about how you feek about yoursel , how we all feel about oursekves with our inevitable 'flaws' and disabilities . It sounds to me as though you need to express more clearly to your gp or counsellor that you are having persistent intrusive negative thougjts and self hatred. I told my gp how much i hated myself and she listened and helped. It was a mwmtal healrh problem, npt a problem wirh the issue I hated myself for, and treating the MH issue took away the self hatred

RonaldMcDonald Sat 11-Jul-15 10:20:39

I think a sz12 at 5"3 is irrelevant but your weight and age and prior history should be taken into consideration.
You must look very different now to how you did previously and it can take time to come to terms with change

Your thinking sounds irrational surrounding your weight and I think you need to return to therapy to work your way through your problems

lostoldlogin Sat 11-Jul-15 13:06:07

I am sorry but I think you are definitely overweight. You are not dangerously overweight - but you are overweight.

That is easily fixed with diet and exercise, however. You are not at a weight where running is going to be too hard for you - so start running 2km 3 times a week or something or do the couch to 5k program. Eat healthily and the weight will come off. I would say that if you lose 8kg you will look fine (60kg)

I am sorry if this sounds harsh but you asked for honest opinions. Worrying about what other people think and looking in the mirror is not going to get the weight off. Running and eating clean will. good luck smile

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