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AIBU to be offended that people don't seem happy that I'm having a boy?

(34 Posts)
Frillsandspills Thu 09-Jul-15 20:39:54

I'm 17 weeks pregnant tomorrow, and after my exP left me I decided to get a private scan at 16 weeks so I could see my baby and find out the sex. Originally I didn't want to but I just wanted something to think about other than my ex who was absolutely vile towards me for keeping my baby after trying to force me into an abortion.

At the scan I found out my little baby is what (hopefully) seems to be a lovely healthy little boy. I couldn't be happier! Despite being convinced i was having a girl because of dreams I was having I was thrilled to be having a boy, although what was between the legs didn't bother me at all.
So I went for a family meal today to make the announcement that it's a boy and on the whole everyone was pleased but my grandmother seemed disappointed at first. We had bought a scratch card that says it's a boy when you scratch it, so we gave it to her to do and filmed it, but her first reaction wasn't a happy "ITS A BOY" it was more of a disappointed "looks like it's going to be a George" (that's one of the names id picked which she can't stand). My aunts all looked thrilled and everyone congratulated me and they gave my grandmother a few looks who eventually seemed happy about it but tried to suggest other names. Then my cousins DD who is 5 immediately threw a tantrum because it's not a girl, saying things like "I'm not pushing it in my pram now!!" And saying she didn't want it. I know she's only 5 years old but it really upset me. This is my first baby and after everything I've been through with my ex I didn't want anyone criticising anything, especially the names I've picked. My aunts told me not to take any notice of my grandmother she's very opinionated.

AIBU to be upset that my grandmothers first reaction was to look like someone had shat on her cornflakes? It took her a while to say anything nice really. She made a joke about taking a pair of scissors to the hospital to cut off the babies Afro (his grandad is afrocarribean so no doubt he'll have Afro like her like his dad) but my nan is mixed race herself with a sort of 'tamed' Afro so I don't know what her problem is. I know she's not happy with how my ex has treated me which is why she's probably slightly unhappy that its a boy but I felt so let down by her response, and the way my cousins DD acted. Like I said I know she's a child and she was probably hoping for a little girl to play with which i understand but it really hurt my feelings. I don't know if it's because my babies dad doesn't want him so I'm eager for the rest of the family to be delighted but after looking forward to that meal I feel so deflated with the reaction. My aunt had filmed the scratch card moment to put on Facebook because it would have been lovely but even she said she wouldn't dare share it because my grandmother didn't look happy at all. It felt like a big kick in the bollocks for me as the negative reactions caused a bit of an atmosphere.
I feel bloody awful for being annoyed at a 5 year old too, and a 70 year old but would it have hurt to just smile and be happy?

Startlingbaby Thu 09-Jul-15 21:09:39

YANBU and congratulations on finding out about having a little boy! It's unfair of your grandmother to react like that and I hope that she manages to be more pleased the next time you see her.

Jengnr Thu 09-Jul-15 21:10:18

No. It wouldn't. sad

You're having a shit time at the moment aren't you? Big hugs lovely.

It'll all be ok though. And trust me, having a son is AWESOME!!! I promise.

spancake Thu 09-Jul-15 21:13:43

boys are awesome. ignore them x

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant Thu 09-Jul-15 21:13:55

Granny is bu.
The 5 yo, not so much.

Try not to get too upset, some of it will be pregnancy hormones!

HoneyLemon Thu 09-Jul-15 21:16:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anon4Now2015 Thu 09-Jul-15 21:16:53

I think you have to get over the 5 year old to be honest. She's wanted a girl cousin, she's getting a boy cousin. She will be absolutely fine about it and over the moon just to have a baby by the time it arrives (probably by next week to be honest).

To me it sounds like your grandma isn't upset that it's a boy but is struggling with the whole concept of you having a baby with someone she doesn't like (and from the sounds of it, with good reason) and the fact that she doesn't like one of the boy's names that you like probably isn't helping her deal with that. Remember that she's probably both angry on your behalf and worried about you and the baby, and she's trying to come to terms with all that. She clearly loves you and supports you or she wouldn't have been at the meal. I'm sure she too will be fine and excited by the time the baby is here. Try not to dwell on the idea she doesn't want a boy though as I'm not sure that's the case.

QuiteLikely5 Thu 09-Jul-15 21:22:22

Oh come on! You're upset that a five yo showed displeasure at the mention of a've got a lot to learn there.........

You are being precious. Are you young?

Stickerrocks Thu 09-Jul-15 21:23:18

Perhaps your grandmother is superstitious about finding out the gender? Lots of people are (we were told we were having a boy, she is definitely a girl, but still has a blue bedroom many years later). She may have just felt uncomfortable with the whole big announcement thing.

YABU about the 5 year old. Regardless of how much you try, most 5 year old girls dream about baby sisters/girlie cousins in the same way as 5 year old boys all think they will be international footballers. Tact & diplomacy are simply not in their vocabulary.


Luckyfellow Thu 09-Jul-15 21:26:44

Congratulations. My first is a boy too and he is made of loveliness. I wouldn't worry about what your grandmother thinks. Does it matter?

Frillsandspills Thu 09-Jul-15 21:31:06

thanks everyone.
I did say I know I shouldn't be upset by a 5 year olds reaction, it was just that in the moment along with my grandmothers negative reaction it did upset me a little. Of course I wouldn't be upset by just her, my grandmother turned to her and said "we'll send it back and ask for a girl won't we" which fair enough she was trying to make her feel better it just made me feel like she was somewhat less happy for me because she's obsessed with baby girls in pretty pink dresses. I told my cousins 5yo DD that he's still a little baby and he'll be fun to play with. I was just a little disheartened that rather than my grandmother explaining that little boys are just as playful etc, she told her she wanted a girl too, so I think that's mainly why I'm a little upset.

HoneyLemon Thu 09-Jul-15 21:33:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sausagechops101 Thu 09-Jul-15 21:35:05

My little boy is the cuddliest, loveliest little thing on the planet. Currently pregnant with dc2 and am surprised and slightly hurt that everyone has assumed i'm hoping for a girl.

Sorry you're having a tough time. As a pp said maybe your nan is still getting her head round the idea of you having a baby with someone she disapproved of. It will all be worth it xx

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Thu 09-Jul-15 21:42:12

I've read your previous threads, Frills and I think Anon is probably bang on the money with her post. Babies are lovely things but they're also a tremendous source of worry and disruption - and that's even when things are ideal. Obviously the 5 year old doesn't know any better but your grandmother does. She is supporting you but that doesn't mean that she needs to fake a glee that she doesn't feel, she's family and she's worried about you. I'm sure that she will support you all along because she's your grandmother and she loves you, it doesn't mean that she wants to play along with a kind of forced jollity that she doesn't feel. I expect she would have been exactly the same had you been expecting a girl... she worries for the girl (you) that is having the baby full stop.

I know that you've had a sad and stressful time of it but you've made your decision regarding the baby and you don't have your ex in the way now trying to decide what is best for you so you're now free to get on with it. I get the feeling from your threads that support from your family is vital to you and I think you have that, loud and clear. What you don't have - and seem to crave - is the congratulatory celebrations for as long as you'd like them. Your family is supportive and loving towards you, you're very lucky, celebrate that and look forward to becoming a mum, without expecting a fanfare; if you get one, it's a bonus. Best wishes.

Anon4Now2015 Thu 09-Jul-15 21:44:49

"we'll send it back and ask for a girl won't we"

That sounds to me that she could tell that you were uncomfortable/upset at the 5 year old's reaction and was trying to make it more light-hearted. I really do think you are reading too much into your grandma's reaction. I think she's really trying to be supportive to you even though she probably has quite strong emotions on your behalf.

Frillsandspills Thu 09-Jul-15 21:50:43

HoneyLemon I found that quite patronising too.

I didn't mean to seem like I was being precious, after a shit few weeks full of verbal abuse and emotional manipulation from my exP I just wanted a lovely reaction from my family. It was my grandmother who really annoyed me and it probably just is pregnancy hormones getting the better of me. She's quite opinionated and I should be used to it by now! It's just disheartening when you have to console someone because you're expecting a baby boy. Of course I don't mean the 5yo, had it not have been for my grandmother I would have found the reaction quite cute I think it's just because I left it to my grandmother to announce to everyone at the table (as she wanted to) and everyone was a bit shocked at how she was. It was as if she threw a strop with the 5yo! I've never seen a more disappointed face you'd think someone had died.
I agree she may be upset that I'm having a child with someone she now doesn't like but the sex of the child won't change that.
Sausagechops congrats on your pregnancy! It is slightly hurtful, especially when they feel you'll be disappointed if its not a girl!

Frillsandspills Thu 09-Jul-15 21:56:51

LyingWitch & Anon you're both right - I do know I'm reading into this far too much. I appreciate her support tremendously, I was just hoping for lots of happiness not an awkward silence as the meal was supposed to cheer me up - which it did on the whole as she eventually said something nice about having a little boy... Before back to saying how she's had 4 and they're harder to raise, they're prone to more health problems (no idea where she got that from) and so on.

It was just not the reaction I was expecting and I was little upset by it. I think it was because she didn't like the name I chose too, and she said something like "well you know who everyone will think of won't you? George ___" and everyone at the table said "who's that?" And it was some sort of religious reference she made that I didn't really listen to because obviously no one thought of this person when they heard the name George!

I'm starting to laugh about it all now though to be honest. she is a character.

jellybeans Thu 09-Jul-15 21:59:47

Yanbu. Some people are rude. I had similar comments from close family about my DDs.I think most people get unwanted comments at some point whether about babies gender or name or hair colour etc. I now have 3DS and 2DD and confirm they are all as fab as each other!

movpov Thu 09-Jul-15 21:59:50

Boys are wonderful - I would not be without mine for the world. Try not to be too upset about your grandmother's reaction - as others have said it's probably the hormones. She will fall in love with your boy when he arrives, as will you, and after the time you have obviously had with your horrible sounding ex I wish you loads of happiness with your little bundle.

Topseyt Thu 09-Jul-15 22:03:38

Well, congratulations on your healthy boy. I hope the rest of the pregnancy goes as smoothly as possible.

Your grandma was being very unreasonable. I can't see why she wasn't pleased for you. Is she perhaps worried about the circumstances you find yourself in, having recently had to split from your arse of an ex? Not excusing it, but could that be clouding her reactions?

A five year old probably doesn't know any better, but if I were her parent I would have taken her down a good few pegs for that reaction. No doubt I will get flamed for saying that, but that is the way I parented when mine were that "Don't be so silly" and "Stop that rubbish here and now" were ready responses from me. Sometimes they caused a sulk, but they were usually effective. Five is old enough to be learning that there are some things you just don't say and do.

HumphreyCobbler Thu 09-Jul-15 22:09:24

I would be disappointed by the reaction of your grandmother too, even if she had preferred a granddaughter she should have hidden her reaction.

My own dd, aged five, burst into tears when told that the new baby had arrived and it was a boy. She got over it in about five minutes and has doted on him from the moment they met!

geekymommy Thu 09-Jul-15 22:13:05


Oh, and I've seen some really cute toddlers with Afros.

Snowflake15 Thu 09-Jul-15 22:16:39

YANBU my mum cried when I told her I was having a boy, and not in the good waysad

mamaneedsamojito Thu 09-Jul-15 22:18:42

Fuck em! I actually feel secretly sorry for people who aren't having a boy because I'm so in love with my DS. In my experience boys are unbelievably loving and utterly hilarious. Given the choice at the start of my pregnancy, I probably would've chosen to have a girl but I can't express how wonderful it is to have a son who thinks the world of you. You're not BU to be upset about their reaction but rest assured they are totally nuts if they're anything but over the moon for you.

Anon4Now2015 Thu 09-Jul-15 22:19:31

OP - As well as what I said before about your grandma having a range of emotions to deal with as well as wanting to support you, I have to admit that if I'd been in the same situation as your grandma you might have been a bit upset by my reaction too. I never know how to react when someone tells me the sex of their unborn baby in a way that seems to indicate I should jump up and down with jazz hands. I really couldn't care less what the sex of a baby is (including my own babies!) and I just don't get the excitement. If you;d have given me a scratchcard that said "It's a boy" I'm not sure I'd have known what to do next either and there would probably have been a really awkward silence.

Don't get me wrong I've never been disappointed to find out friends or family members were having a boy or a girl, it's just something I'm apathetic about knowing and don't understand the excitement around. Possibly your grandma feels the same. It doesn't mean that she won't be very excited when your little boy is born and love him dearly.

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