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To wonder why my mother is so racist?

(130 Posts)
Petridish Thu 09-Jul-15 20:26:13

To summarise:-

"A touch of the tar brush there"

"He was coffee coloured"

"A bit tinted"

"It would be awful if someone in the Royal Family married a black"

I could go on... She also disapproves of "Muslims" coming to the UK and leeching of the benefit system.

The irony is that she is very PC about discrimination against those with disabilities - mainly because my late sister was disabled.

BullshitS70 Thu 09-Jul-15 20:27:42

do you call her on it?

Luckyluc Thu 09-Jul-15 20:30:21

She probably doesn't think she is racist because nobody has told her

annandale Thu 09-Jul-15 20:31:13

Sorry, couldn't help sniggering, she sounds like an episode of Love Thy Neighbour circa 1971 or one of my awful 40s novels.

I think just keep telling her she sounds as if they dug her up from 40 years ago.

BullshitS70 Thu 09-Jul-15 20:31:38

exactly what I was thinking

Petridish Thu 09-Jul-15 20:33:11

I've called her on it and told her she is racist, but it makes no difference.

Years ago, I had a boyfriend who was black and she was horrified.

I can tell she is bigoted until I am at the point of despair, but she won't change.

Petridish Thu 09-Jul-15 20:36:47

To reiterate, if anyone uses a term that is derogatory towards anyone with a disability, she throws a fit and says she is "sensitive" - she screamed at me, when I was a child, for calling someone an "idiot". At the time, I did not realise that this word was offensive.

SoreArms Thu 09-Jul-15 20:36:58

Is she my mum? Are we long lost sisters?!!! Depressing, isn't it? sad

annandale Thu 09-Jul-15 20:37:11

You can't really change her. My mother has a horrific prejudice about disability, to the point where I think if any of her children had presented her with a grandchild with a disability, she would have had genuine difficulty loving the child sad In fact, one has been diagnosed with autism as an adult, and she switches between saying she doesn't believe it and dwelling on it with a kind of fascinated horror. Thing is, she's over 80 now and the chances of her changing her views are minimal. Don't despair, just tell her you find those views unacceptable and change the subject if you can't stand it any more.

Petridish Thu 09-Jul-15 20:38:36

Sorearms and Annendale - how horrible and sad sad

ilovesooty Thu 09-Jul-15 20:39:22

Do you have children? If so, does she talk like this around them?

Altinkum Thu 09-Jul-15 20:40:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EthelDurant123 Thu 09-Jul-15 20:41:27

My uncle married a Chinese woman and my brother is in a relationship with a mixed race woman. Both relationships were hard to swallow by my parents and wider family. There's tolerance now, but not affection. Its a generational thing. I pull DM up on it a lot but she never changes.

GrinAndTonic Thu 09-Jul-15 20:42:20

We must be related. My mum goes on and on about Muslims, aboriginals (indigenous Australians), immigrants, refugees, asylum seekers, black people, Asian people etc
Ive given up telling her how racist and bigoted she is. It's embarrassing though.

NoMontagues Thu 09-Jul-15 20:42:52

My mother is similar. I can't bring myself to repeat some of the things she says.

No one is safe though. My 4mo nephew's father is from an Asian country. Looking at a photo of the baby the other day, my mum remarked "ooh, he looks very ching Chong in that one doesn't he?"


Peacheykeen Thu 09-Jul-15 20:43:27

How strange I know someone who goes nuts if someone says the R word or any disablist slur but has no qualms about saying p**I this p**I that her daughter is severely disabled perhaps with your mother it's a generation thing.

ilovesooty Thu 09-Jul-15 20:47:09

Its a generation thing, as much as I hate to say it

My mother is 95 and has never talked like that. My sister is a lot more racist than my mother has ever been.

ConfusedInBath Thu 09-Jul-15 20:48:40

This is like Fil.

I call him on it EVERY time. In fact he is learning now to not even bother, because I won't put up with it or turn a blind eye.

He's the same with paedophiles ( Jimmy Saville et al ) and rapists ( Ched Evans )

DH and I had a field day with him.

WestEast Thu 09-Jul-15 20:49:22

DP's mum cannot understand why I think Idris Elba is attractive what with him being black and me being white. It's just totally confuses her. I honestly pity her.

Pumpkinpositive Thu 09-Jul-15 20:51:08

I shocked myself years ago, when back in the day when I was new to online communication, I was posting an online forum with someone I had "known" for a while online.

In the context of the chat, it emerged she was black. I that realised I was surprised. My "norm" was white, and I never moved from that assumption unless explicity told.

My default position was to assume that everyone I chatted on online was white.

It's not blatant discrimination or prejudice but I realised that my initial instinct was to assume something that would be totally ridiculous if I sat and thought about it.

Now, of course, I assume that everyone I chat to online is a sweaty, haired palmed 54 year old man still living with his mum and 16 cats. grin

ConfusedInBath Thu 09-Jul-15 20:52:08

It's not a generation thing at all.
It's racism.

Pumpkinpositive Thu 09-Jul-15 20:52:24

Not that my musings are in any way relevant to your mum, OP. blush

MrsDeVere Thu 09-Jul-15 20:52:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Petridish Thu 09-Jul-15 20:53:30

Ilovesooty - no, she hasn't said anything in front of my child but, if she did, she would regret it and I would be furious angryangryangry

Pumpkinpositive Thu 09-Jul-15 20:56:53

The irony is that she is very PC about discrimination against those with disabilities - mainly because my late sister was disabled.

Your sister's disability would have impacted your mum in a very real and visceral way, OP. She may be hyper tuned into disability because she saw prejudice and difficulties your sister experienced?

She doesn't have that lived experience with race though - perhaps if you had married the ex boyfriend and had mixed race kids with him, she would have championed ethnic minority groups because she had a vested interest in making sure her grandchildren were not subject to discrimination?

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