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To think this is not a healthy situation for my friend and daughter?

(4 Posts)
Alicat79 Thu 09-Jul-15 16:40:42

I have no idea what to say to my friend about this. I've worked with him for quite a few years and he's recently been confiding in me and a group of work friends about his home situation. Wife (who I've only met once) has severe ocd. I knew this before but seems to have got much worse since their daughter was born nearly a year ago. According to my friend, his wife won't let anyone bath their daughter (including her), she hasn't ever been in a car, no one else is allowed to cook meals for her, she never spends time with any other children because his wife is terrified of her being hurt, germs spread etc. What I find really sad and worrying in particular though is that he isn't "allowed" to take his daughter out anywhere alone. My friend doesn't want to confront this at all in case it upsets and stresses his wife. He says she is speaking to a psychologist over the phone about all of this but health visitor, family doctor etc all seem to be unaware.

He says he feels that he isn't being a proper parent to their daughter. I and our other friends have no idea what to say to him at all, we don't want to upset him or push him into doing anything. What would you do?

Ruledbycatsandkids6 Thu 09-Jul-15 16:43:25

He should see his GP to access help on behalf of his wife as she is mentally ill and incapable of accessing help herself.

The GP could visit to assess her at a time the dh is home.

What a good friend you sound. People come through mental illnesses all the time but she needs firm help and action.

BankWadger Thu 09-Jul-15 16:54:34

My husband has severe OCD and he is the first to say the worst thing someone else can do for a loved one with OCD is pander to it.

His OCD is really bad right now so life is already stressful and difficult for the whole family. If I started following all of his checking and routines and rules our life would come to a complete stand still and my kids would be very messed up.

This is what your friend is doing by not wanting to upset his wife. He REALLY needs to access help for her. Yes it will be awful in the short term and he'll feel like crap, but in the long run it will be better for all 3 of them.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 Thu 09-Jul-15 16:59:39

To be blunt, which I think is necessary, if he doesnt get outside help for his wife right now, he will be failing in his duty as a parent, as well as a partner. She will not suddenly get better, most likely she will continue to decline without intervention. She needs help, now. He needs to get it for her. And if I were you I would be very clearly saying that.

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