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To Just Want To Starve Myself And Be Done With It

(97 Posts)
ScarySpiceMum Thu 09-Jul-15 12:13:20

5''7 - 73 KG

I Hate the stretch marks - which are EVERYWHERE. Arms. Hips. Back of legs. Inner thighs. Breasts. Huge, thick, dark, deep stretch marks.
I Hate the stomach
I Hate the saggy tits from yoyo dieting
I Hate the love handles
I Hate the face which hasn't seen it's cheekbones in 5 years
I Hate myself for doing this to myself
I Hate my inability to know when to stop
I Hate that I have done 1000000 hours of research, know what to eat and how to take care of myself, but still do this.
I Hate that 1 month of working out and eating clean can get the weight off - but I never last for more than 2 days
I Hate that the highlight of my day is eating
I Hate that I spend disgusting amounts of money on food
I Hate that there are real problems in my life and the world - yet I've become a shallow, hollow, food obsessed loser, who cant shift 20 pounds
I Hate that I hide at work and eat - sometimes 3 krispy creams, a full lunch from the canteen and other shit I shouldn't have
I Hate that I've lost it all before, closed my eyes and it was back on
I Hate that there are people starving, and that I abuse food.

I feel like taking 2 weeks of work, emptying my kitchen down to 2 boxes of special K, water and soya milk in case i feel faint, and bloody starving myself.

I'm so tired.

ThomasRichard Thu 09-Jul-15 12:19:34

flowers You are not terribly overweight. You only need to lose 1lb to be within a healthy BMI range. Basically, go to the loo and you'll be fine.

Get a nice cream for the stretch marks, head over to the Style & Beauty board to get a proper bra fitting, chin up and book a GP appointment. You sound very stressed and despondent.

ScarySpiceMum Thu 09-Jul-15 12:26:02

I look like a whale and I'm not exaggerating, everyone carries their weight differently - as for those stretch marks I've tried everything. They literally sink into my skin, like a lion took chunks of my flesh out with it's claws.

NotOneIota Thu 09-Jul-15 12:28:43

Oh dear,you sound overwhelmed OP. That's a hell of a negative feedback loop you've got yourself stuck in. It sounds like you know exactly how to 'fix' thing,but you feel you don't have the self control. You've got yourself out of this before,maybe a few sessions of hypnotherapy could help clear your mind and get a positive fix on your goals? flowers for you. You can do it,don't give up.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks Thu 09-Jul-15 12:31:15

"...I Hate that the highlight of my day is eating..."

This stood out to me. It sounds as though possibly you're not happy with you life in general(?)

OTheHugeManatee Thu 09-Jul-15 12:31:33

73kg isn't massively fat. I think your issue is your self-loathing, not your actual weight.

Do you manage to do any exercise? I found doing Couch to 5K and then carrying on with running has transformed how I feel about my body. I'm considerably heavier than you (and not much taller) but I try and focus on feeling strong and capable rather than looking a certain way. It helps.

ultrathule Thu 09-Jul-15 12:32:14

It sounds like you really do need to take up exercise, find something that suits you and get stuck in. The endorphins will help you feel better all round, and that might well get you out of the unhealthy loop of over eating. Run, cycle, gym, swim, team sports, whatever floats your boat, but if you get moving, I bet you'll feel better quickly.

Discopanda Thu 09-Jul-15 12:46:54

It sounds like disordered eating, maybe start a journal and look into CBT? Typing out your feelings so they're not just stuck in your head is the first step.

ScarySpiceMum Thu 09-Jul-15 12:48:27

OTheHugeManatee - stretch marks make me sick. I've been so deluded that I actually dont even notice that they are there until I catch cold myself in the mirror. I never knew I had literally tiger marks on my arms until i was in the lift at work
I'm tired. I will go to the gym and work out well for 2 days in a row, but afterwards always crave something and binge. I'm always lethargic and never have enough energy to go. I used to be 60KG and didnt even notice I was piling on the weight, I always assumed I could go cold turkey and be back in shape within a few weeks
I think I have a food addiction
I wouldnt even say i eat obscene amounts of food - It's more of a psychological thing

ScarySpiceMum Thu 09-Jul-15 12:50:05

Discopanda I'm going to keep a diary - good idea. Everytime I crave something I'll write about my feelings?

NotOneIota Thu 09-Jul-15 12:55:44

Stretch marks will fade to silvery stripes. There's nothing you can do about them,I'm afraid,sorry if that sounds harsh. Bite the bullet and make peace with that. Focus on something that you can change. There's resources available to help you channel your thoughts to a more productive outcome,if you have identified your problem as more of a psychological thing.

19lottie82 Thu 09-Jul-15 13:00:51

You're not really overweight. It sounds like you have self esteem issues rather than weight problems. Do you really think if you lost a stone or 2 it would make you feel much better?

RattleAndRoll Thu 09-Jul-15 13:01:27

I could do have written this OP.
It's exactly how I feel.
Why is it so fucking hard to motivate myself to lose weight? Why is it so easy to eat? Why can I only ever eat healthy / exercise for one week then give up? Whywhywhy. I have no advice OP. Sorry. But I am the same.

LapsedTwentysomething Thu 09-Jul-15 13:04:14

You know what? My friend died of heart failure after starving herself through her teens. That was nineteen years ago and aged 19. She missed out on her entire adult life.

I find your thread title crass and self absorbed.

Goshthatsspicy Thu 09-Jul-15 13:08:25

lapsed this isn't about you now. flowers
I'm sorry for your loss though.

pinkdelight Thu 09-Jul-15 13:29:42

"I think your issue is your self-loathing, not your actual weight."

I agree with this. I'm heavier than you, and I'm dieting and exercising at the mo to lose a stone or so, just to be more comfortable, but that's all. I don't hate myself or my stretchmarks or my tits which have seen much better days. Does your work satisfy you? Do you do things in your spare time that you find fulfilling? I think the key is to find another highlight to your day and then put the food/weight issues into perspective using diary, CBT or whatever helps. But really, it sounds like there's lots more going on than how you look/eat.

Discopanda Thu 09-Jul-15 14:13:25

OP, yep write about what you're feeling when you're craving something and how you felt afterwards, how you're feeling about your body, just get it out of your head so you can start to understand your own emotions IYSWIM?

msrisotto Thu 09-Jul-15 14:17:13

Starving yourself won't change the stretch marks and will only make saggy skin saggier. You don't need to be so brutally offensive about your own body, what else is going on for you op?

mummy0bummy Thu 09-Jul-15 14:24:06

I agree with almost all comments above.

I am not trying to make any sort of diagnosis over the internet, but a friend of mine recently began treatment for body dysmorphic disorder (or whatever it's actually called). I was very surprised to learn how she felt about herself because she is physically attractive and of an average build. The problem, obviously, is in her perception and that's what she is being treated for.

Keykitty Thu 09-Jul-15 14:28:40

This kind of eating is on the disordered spectrum, perhaps attending an overeaters anonymous group might help?

Slimming world is a really useful way to establish a healthy pattern of eating within a group support system too. Lots of the people who go are very overweight, right down to normal weight, but they have also had issues with food in the past, so you might feel supported there - you can talk about triggers to binge, solutions for next time etc. It doesn't mean never having certain foods - just less often. One of the most liberating things ever is eating cake and not feeling guilty about it because its your treat and you CAN have it.

Two other things that may be helpful too - if the highlight of your day is eating, you need to set up treats and rewards that don't involve food. Second, you need to try (admittedly easier said than done) to train yourself to understand that you DESERVE better. Your current life is clearly making you deeply unhappy. You deserve to love yourself, and your body deserves to flourish from what you're putting into it. Something in the past has perhaps given you the feeling that you don't deserve to be looked after, but you DO.

SignoraStronza Thu 09-Jul-15 14:35:46

OP I weighed that and I'm only 5ft1. blush
What has really helped is a very low calorie diet. Slim and Save, Cambridge, Exante etc. Take food out of the equation completely. You'll feel dreadful for the first 2/3 days and once the ketosis kicks in you won't even feel hungry any more. In fact you'll feel full of energy - almost euphoric.
I'm combining it with a 100g lean protein and salad meal to take it up to about 750 calories a day (try MyFitnessPal to log everything) and it is dropping off (12lbs in two weeks).
The more you feel and see the results, the more you'll be inspired to continue.

LurcioAgain Thu 09-Jul-15 14:46:09

Signora, I know you're trying to help, but honestly, re-read the OP, and try to imagine your adult daughter saying this to you when she was only 1lb over a healthy weight for her height - read it and ask yourself "does this woman need to lose weight, or does she need help with psychological problems to do with body dysmorphia?"

And, actually the same exercise might be useful for you, Scary. Imagine if your adult daughter, or niece, or best friend said this to you. Would you say, "you know what, you're absolutely right, you look hideous and you're quite right to hate yourself?" I don't think you'd say this. You'd sit them down with a nice cup of tea and say "I know all you see when you look in the mirror are the stretch marks, but honestly, the rest of us don't see you that way - we hardly notice them if at all. And it isn't normal to sit around hating yourself - you're a perfectly lovely looking, nice person who doesn't deserve anyone hating them. And you don't need to starve yourself to the point of feeling ill, but you do need help getting your head into a better place."

SignoraStronza Thu 09-Jul-15 14:50:31

Apologies - I admit that I hadn't calculated bmi or anything. blush It is a genuinely healthy way to take food out of the equation for a while though and take some time to examine eating habits. Although of course not to be recommended for someone already in the healthy range. flowers Really sorry op.

LurcioAgain Thu 09-Jul-15 14:53:57

No worries, Signora (I'm probably a similar weight and height to you and could do with cleaning up my eating habits a bit, in terms of cutting out crap and substituting healthier stuff). It's just that I've seen on threads like this the OP latch onto the one comment that reinforces her muddled view about herself and run with it - so I'm really glad you've re-read the OP and admitted that she's in a rather different situation from you and me.
flowers all round!

RedDaisyRed Thu 09-Jul-15 14:56:55

You sound very unhappy. Yes you could be a healthy weight and 30 pounds lighter and yes you might well look better but there are an awful lot of women on mumsnet who would love to be only 73KG. I though the thread title was going to be about anorexia.

It sounds like you need to think of ways to make yourself more cheerful and better able to eat in a way that is for life and makes you happy - so not starving and then eating too much.

I agree with the suggestions of moving more above - just find something you like whether that's a run, a walk, tennis or just doing a lot of clearance or cleaning at home or the garden for a start.

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