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Aibu! Am I doing the right thing?

(22 Posts)
Sadtimescallforsadmeasures Thu 09-Jul-15 11:40:53

I've nc for this because of the legal issues.

So as to not drip feed I'll give all the circumstances.

Dp and I had a child and I have two doc from previous relationship. He took my two and our dd as his own. Then he left on new yrs day after an emotionally abusive relationship. I went through survive and my gp and after 7 months I'm feeling better mentally.

We went through a solicitor and we agree on visitation of the following:

Every Saturday
Tuesday he take them for dinner
Thursday Skype call

Over the weeks I've given him more days than that because he and the kids were happy. But he then fell out with his housemate and was asked to leave and went into a househsrae that doesn't allow children to visit. So his overnight visits had to stop etc.

Anyway my dd was in hospital for a few weeks very sick and was realised two weeks ago, she has since been diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome and is slowly getting better at home.

Saturday just gone he had his visitation and took all 3 dc out for the day, they had a grand time and they got back at 830pm. Because I didn't know what time he would be back (it was agreed late because of the distance he was travelling) I had had a bath and when they arrived I was only in a towel but my sister was here and accepted the dc back. Exdp was very angry because he wanted to come in and show pictures etc but my sis and I said another day because 1. I was naked and in a towel 2. He was only meant to be dropping the kids 3. The kids were knackered and they were half asleep.

He was very angry at me, he threw my pram in the garden, threw the bag he used at my sister and slammed the gate several times whilst shouting at the kids and I.

I locked the door and we went to bed and I just chalked it up to him being angry and controlling which was a normal occurrence before.

Fast forward to Monday and my dd was very tired and said she didn't want to go to dinner and wanted to sleep, my other dd was teething and had a temp and the other dd had a long day at school and was sleeping so I called exdp and asked that we cancel the dinner visitation on Monday to allow them to get better recuperate and we keep to the call on Thursday and visitation on Saturday.

I just want to state that I have always been flexible regarding visitation and have allowed him to see the dc whenever he wishes, I would never obstruct him from seeing the girls, it's just not in my nature.

Tuesday he calls and asks to see the girls in the evening, dc were as above and I asked we leave the dinner since it would be 430 till 7 and we could continue on Saturday. He then continued to call and text and email over and over apdemanding he wanted the dc, I ignored as my solicitor said that unless there was an emergency etc to not answer (this is due to harassment in the past).

I then have a police officer come to the house on Tuesday night and advise me that exdp had tried to commit suicide on Tuesday afternoon but that he was fine medically had been discharged but was being held under observation and getting the help he needed mentally. The officer stated that he was concerned for my safety as comments were made regarding exdp wanting the kids with him etc, apparently said whilst under the influence of the medication he took.

I was very upset that he felt that he wanted to end his life and so was happy he was being looked after by his friends and the health system.

i was extremely concerned that he was so desperate to have the dc so Wednesday am I contacted the solicitor, health visitor and advised what was happening and that I wanted to stop contact until he had recuperated mentally and was sound of mind.

Today I have been called non stop, so has my sister, who inadvertently answered the phone to him. She said she was happy he is ok and getting the help he needed and that she wasn't able to talk about my business and it would be best to wait for my solicitor to call, he stated the reason he tried to commit suicide was because I had withheld the dc and I was intentionally trying to hurt him. My sis just kept repeating thT she was happy he was ok and getting the help he needed, he then hung up because she wouldn't give more details.

Am I wrong in stoping contact? I need my do to be safe, I would never hurt him intentionally but I feel like a weight is over my head and it's all my fault.

I'm so worried, he has been released and is off work and I'm saved he's going to come here.


maz210 Thu 09-Jul-15 11:56:40

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, he sounds quite unstable at the moment and I think you're doing the right thing not letting him take the children until he's in a better place mentally.

His behaviour sounds very emotionally controlling, I would never normally say to stop access but at the moment I think it would be unwise to let the kids go to him right now. Could you maybe compromise with skype only (more than once a week perhaps) for a few weeks until you can gauge his state of mind/health?

Did he give the police your details when he attempted suicide?

Does he have relatives that could help with supervising contact when he's feeling better?

plutonimum Thu 09-Jul-15 12:03:13

Your ex doesn't sound an awful lot more stable now - what with the harassing phone calls - than on the day of the suicide attempt.

If I were you, I would listen to the police officer who said "he was concerned for my safety as comments were made regarding exdp wanting the kids with him etc, apparently said whilst under the influence of the medication he took." Don't let the children go with him unsupervised for now.

Sorry. It just sounds too risky, and that's a huge responsibility for children, too!

hedgehogsdontbite Thu 09-Jul-15 12:04:22

Would supervised contact be an option? YAdefinitelyNBU stopping unsupervised contact.

NorksWar Thu 09-Jul-15 12:08:42

Yanbu. I would stop all unsupervised contact.

brusselsproutwarning Thu 09-Jul-15 12:09:21

YADNBU! He is extremely unstable and I would Not let him have the DC.

Sadtimescallforsadmeasures Thu 09-Jul-15 12:28:54

maz he specifically asked the police to notify me as I was not his next of kin. The police said they wanted to make sure we were ok because of things he was saying.

Sadit Thu 09-Jul-15 12:54:28

Op, be very careful.
1. Try and have someone with you for the near future at all times.
2. Report this harrassment to the police.
3. Never answer the door to him.
4. Speak to the schools/GP/ health visitors and other agencies where appropriate.

Icimoi Thu 09-Jul-15 13:25:16

If the police were that concerned, you are definitely right not to allow unsupervised contact. Maybe talk to your solicitor about the harassment?

Oobis Thu 09-Jul-15 13:31:07

Blimey, tough times for all of you. Sounds like you've handled things with dignity and compassion for everyone. But you are so right to not allow someone making attempts on their life sole charge of your children. Some things aren't worth taking risks with. I hope you and the kids are coping and I also hope he improves with help and support. Take care, you're doing a grand job.

TheCatsMother99 Thu 09-Jul-15 13:32:34

YANBU.... At all!

He isn't well and your children shouldn't be around him, and neither should you. As has already been suggested, if he has to come to yours for any reason please make sure you are not alone as there's no telling what he might do.

honeyroar Thu 09-Jul-15 13:39:45

Nothing to add to what others have said, apart from well done to your sister on how she handled that phone call.

Look after yourself and the children. I hope he gets the help that he needs, but your safety and that of the children needs to come first at this point.

Sadtimescallforsadmeasures Thu 09-Jul-15 14:04:44

I've talked to the police, health visitors (who have had to contact ss because of his behaviour), my solicitor and my sis is with me.

I'm safe, I just feel so upset by it all.

Sadtimescallforsadmeasures Thu 09-Jul-15 14:06:53

honey my sis is a very level headed sorta gal and wouldn't rise to any confrontation but also cares if he is ok. My family just want me to be safe and don't want exdp to be mentally ill.

At the end of the day all that matters are dc.

Sadtimescallforsadmeasures Thu 09-Jul-15 18:23:25


QuiteLikely5 Thu 09-Jul-15 18:31:17

Better off listening to the SW. What have they said?

Their job is to protect children so they may agree supervised contact is suitable for your ex given the situation.

Sadtimescallforsadmeasures Thu 09-Jul-15 18:36:12

Ss have said that contact be stopped until he is of sound mind and then it would be supervised. I just feel so bad for him but can't believe he wanted to die. sad

He didn't have to have his stomach pumped and was released medically the same day so I'm glad he won't have any long term effects, he just needs help.

Topseyt Thu 09-Jul-15 18:55:52

It is very controlling behaviour from him. You had to change his usual access arrangement and he has thrown a paddy about it. Throwing your pram into the garden and the bag at your sister shows that he can turn violent too, surely. He tried to kill himself a few days later and has let it be known that he did this because he could not see the children!

Isn't that an attempt to blackmail and control you?

If I read your post correctly, you also say that two of the children are not even his. Why does he then have access rights to them?

My BIL (an alcoholic, and also sometimes violent in the past) tried this tactic with his former wife. He also tried to threaten her family. It backfired and he has not seen their daughter for the best part of 10 years now.

I would offer supervised contact at a proper contact centre, or nothing. If he really wants to see the kids perhaps he would accept that. If he is attempting to control you then maybe he will realise it isn't going to work.

Sadtimescallforsadmeasures Thu 09-Jul-15 19:03:50

The two dc who are not biologically his love him and they wanted to still see him after we separated. I wouldn't deny the dc of the only father they have known.

plutonimum Thu 09-Jul-15 20:01:31

It doesn't sound sensible to go against such advice. Is there some reason you want extra backup, by asking for extra opinions? Areyou used to being ignored, or your opinion dismissed?

Don't internalise his voice and try to make it into some sort of voice-of-conscience. There really is no need to hurry to obey it. It's not time for impatience. It's time to be calm, to heal and rest.

Sadtimescallforsadmeasures Fri 10-Jul-15 07:00:05

I'm not going against any advice, contact has been stopped until he is better.

plutonimum Fri 10-Jul-15 10:18:07

Sorry, that sounded accusing. However, you seemed so unsure of yourself. Are you feeling better now that various people have validated what you're doing? You did say that it was an "emotionally abusive relationship": isn't it possible that the suicide bid and harassment represent a continuation of that dynamic, and you need more time and help to stand up against it?

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