British toilets are really badly designed, you can't poo without it ploping in water and splashing

[ethicsgalore]

I think toilets here are a really bad design. Why don't they have the style of toilet where you poo onto a slant without water and the hole is right at the front? I want to import a toilet. Fed up of making a nest out of paper that jams the system.

[FarFromAnyRoad]

Two things really -
Are your poos similar in design and density to, say, a large war-ready submarine?
Where are you pooing that you need to fit a silencer to the toilet?

[Koalafications]

YANBU, OP.

[susiedaisy]

Noooo I hate the ones with the slant at the front. Always so many skid marks left on the slant.

[KatoPotato]

farfrom I currently have a sleeping baby on my chest, but your reply nearly had him shaken awake!!

[KatoPotato]

Oh and OP? I have no idea what these sloping toilets are? Sounds like a jobbie marble run?

[2rebecca]

What is the big deal with getting a couple of drops of water on your bum? You wipe them off with toilet paper. If I'm at home I'll use the bidet afterwards but you sound overly paranoid about getting your bum splashed, but then lots of people on mumsnet seem to have weird toilet related hang ups.
Stop jamming up the toilet with paper have a poo wipe your bum then wash your hands. Job (and jobee) done. It doesn't have to be complicated.

[Sallyingforth]

What a strange post!
YABU.

[TightWadBastard]

Don't even get me started on toilets.

Why have they changed the design of the toilet seats so that you can't change them yourself without having to take the whole bloody thing apart? What happened to those loo seats you could slip through the toilet pan itself and tighten up from the bottom (excuse my terminology there)??

My crappy EX plumber fitted this gob shite loo. When I complained that the flush button was halfway down the cistern and the fking loo seat came off after 3 days (8 year old boy is NOT to blame) he walked off the job and said it would be unprofessional of him to come back and fix it. He said that with NO SENSE of irony.

And look - the bloody toilet pan is so bloody long that YES, the bloody turds just sit there winking at me, saying "Your life is shit. Your life is shit."

FFS.

[Theycallmemellowjello]

If you think uk loos are bad, try toilets in the us. The water comes up much higher and has a bigger surface area. Backsplash is a constant given.

[TheDowagerCuntess]

Why would you want to create skidmarks?

[Theycallmemellowjello]

I also heard that german toilets with the poo ledge were invented so you could examine the consistency and content of your poo before flushing. Germans eh?

[TheDowagerCuntess]

War-ready submarine

[TightWadBastard]

Shit Theycallmemellowjello - this is a German toilet. It wasn't what I ordered and the replacement loo seats cost £110. What's wrong with the £15 ones from Homebase? JHC on a bike.

[PercyGherkin]

Aren't the continental ones you're talking about (the ones with the front ledge) so you can inspect it closely? I've never worked out why you would want to. And the smell - I prefer mine hitting the water and being covered asap.

[Theycallmemellowjello]

Oh dear - £110 loo seat? Hopefully it's manufactured in a very futuristic german factory to the latest ergonomic design.

[susiedaisy]

Theycallme the U.S. toilets scared me, when I pulled the flush the water and contents swirled up almost to the top of the pan and then got sucked back down making a horrible noise.

[MadAngryGnome]

The worst toilets I've pooed in were Dubai airport, the water is warm in the bowl so you're immediately confronted with the smell of your own poo slowly poaching.

[SkodaLabia]

Wait, there are toilets in the world where you shit on a shelf? Then what, do you have to reach in and roll it into the water like a Save the Whale rescue mission?

[susiedaisy]

Skoda. When you pull the flush the water rises and like a boat beached waiting for the ride to rise, the water then gently lifts the poo off the shelf/slant and sucks it down, unless it turned sideways when in the process then it just wedges in the hole

[susiedaisy]

Tide

[DonkeyOaty]

Oh my god at Save The Whalepoo

WHEEZING

[DonkeyOaty]

[Koalafications]

so you're immediately confronted with the smell of your own poo slowly poaching




Then what, do you have to reach in and roll it into the water like a Save the Whale rescue mission?

[VenusRising]

I love American loos. Nice and low, and with water in the shallow bowl, so your poo is immediately underwater, so no smells or splashes.

Then when you flush, whoosh all water vortexes down and hey presto, you have a clean bowl as the poo never touched it!

I also like a bidet attachment, Japanese style.

However, I also like squat toilets......

The worst are these high throne porcelain crappers where there is a tiny amount of water far down in the ubend, and you have to scrape your poo down if you've missed the sweet spot. These kinds of loos need a toilet brush for poo poking

[TightWadBastard]

All I know is that I hate it.