AIBU to think my friend betrayed me?(27 Posts)
A tale of adults behaving like juveniles...
I have had a very good friend for the past 8 years, we originally met at my old workplace. We often hang out, dinner, go walking, climbing, board games, etc. The other day she invited me to come to a food fair with her and some people from her new workplace. Whilst there I was discussing the housing market with one of them, and we differed on our opinions (this MIGHT be relevant). I do not drink alcohol but everyone else was a little merry. I was joking around with my friend and then started to get an odd vibe from her workmates. Then, two of them swooped down on her (she was standing next to me), dragged her off about three metres and started to tell her that they all thought I was a lesbian! Extremely unsubtle. I could tell they were talking about me as they all looked my way, only after she informed me what they said. Her response was "No, but so what if we were??" I was less concerned about their opinion on my sexuality but more the way I felt excluded and victimised. It genuinely felt like being back at school, and everyone here is an adult. I was so uncomfortable, I left. She STAYED BEHIND WITH THEM. The next day I contacted her via email and asked why she hadn't supported me when I felt excluded. She informed me she didn't feel anything wrong had been done, and only one person (the person with whom I had a mild disagreement about housing) didn't really like me.
AIBU? She has not contacted me since and I have not contacted her. Should I lose a good friend over this?
I think it really depends how horrible they were being. Drunkenly dragging your mate off for a minute to discuss your sexuality is v immature but it doesn't have to have been unkindly meant. But if it was a long conversation or they are homophobes (as opposed to people who sound like they haven't met that many out gay people and therefore are somewhat intrigued by the idea) then yanbu.
It sounds like she did stand up for you. She said 'and what if she is' . I don't think she should have left, I don't think you should have left either.
These are her work friends. Maybe she didn't fancy a scene or an atmosphere at work.
Maybe she is pissed that you got into such a emotive topic such as housing with her work mates and have made it difficult for her.
Well, she was in a pretty awkward position It would be difficult for her to walk out on a whole group of friends due to one person's (extremely rude and homophobic) behaviour. Or were they all like that? It's difficult to tell from the post.
Then again, she was totally in the wrong for not telling her friend what a fucking arsehole she was being.
I think in your shoes I would focus more on the fact that her friends are quite obvious homophobes, and you didn't think she was the sort of person to hang out with people like that.
Should I lose a good friend over this?
If she can accept her friends excluding you and making proclamations about your possible sexuality, allow you to leave without offering you and support, then tell you that nobody had done anything wrong, I'm not sure that she is a good friend to you.
"Should I loose a good friend over this?" No, you shouldn't. You are over reacting. Not to the others involved, agreed, their behaviour wasn't acceptable, but do you really think it's worth losing a long term friend over that fact that she'd stuck up for you in the conversation and felt that that was enough? You'd willingly sacrifice those years just because she didn't want to leave?
If they are new workmates & she has to spend Mon-Fri with them from 9-5 then I can understand her wanting to remain on good terms. Did you actually explain to her why you were leaving or could she have thought you left for different reasons?
I agree with midnightvelvet - was it clear that you felt excluded and victimised at the time? She said that she didn't think that what they said was that bad (whether you agree with that or not) so it wasn't as though she agreed with you that they were being awful and still stayed with them. Perhaps you just have different interpretations of how events played out.
I think she was in a difficult position and maybe you both could have handled it differently. I think you should have stayed and fronted it out. She did back you up to some degree with "and so what if she is" which I would see as her saying that she would be friends with you either way.
Do not lose a good friendship based on this but suggest next time that you meet up with only her and not her other 'friends'.
This is verbatim after she informed me what they said to her:
Me: So...I'm probably going to go.
Her: (Looks shocked and sad) Why? Because of this?
Me: Yup, it's pretty awkward now.
Her: Um...okay. Well, see you later?
In my mind that is a clear conversation that I was upset and uncomfortable by their attitude towards me.
Thanks for all the comments so far, it's good to get outside perspective as I feel very emotional regarding such a long term friend.
I get that you were upset about their behaviour. If you felt too upset to be able to stay then it's right that you left. But I do feel you were a bit over-sensitive. They - briefly - behaved quite childishly and your friend made it quite clear that they should stop.
Your friend however had dealt with it appropriately and I really don't think you should expect her to do anything more. If anything you leaving may have made her feel rather uncomfortable and as thought you were flouncing even after she had visibly stood up for you.
I have no idea why you would feel your friendship is over because of this unless you make it over because of this. Just phone and apologise for leaving and then let it drop.
It sounds like a misunderstanding compounded by alcohol - she defended you when her work mates were being silly, then you left anyway (still not really sure why - it doesn't sound like you were being 'excluded and victimised' so much as being on the receiving end of her colleagues being immature and a bit pathetic when drunk). You said you'd see her later and gave her a hug. What more would you have wanted her to do?
Yes, you were upset and felt awkward and so that is a good reason to leave. She did stand up for you.
I don't think that is a good reason to lose a good friend.
I think you're overreacting. Not over leaving, their behaviour was pretty low, but your friend did say something, and these are her new work colleagues. She's only just started there, and she has to work with these people every day.
Just put it behind you, and avoid socialising with them in future. At least you know what they're like now.
Really surprised so many people are standing up for your so called friend and her arsehole mates here. What a bunch of ignorant idiots. I'd be really, really disappointed in a friend if she hadn't called me since then to actually apologise for what happened and to agree that their behaviour had been nasty. I actually am a lesbian but I don't think that makes a difference, it's such an immature, pathetic thing to say and I would think very, very little of someone who colluded with that and didn't even bother to check if I was ok later.
They sound like an appalling and deeply immature group of people. There behaviour was actually very odd. If it was down to too much drink being taken, they should have apologised profusely the following day.
To be honest, I feel sorry for your friend if that's the calibre of people she has to spend five days a week with.
Agree with LilyMay. What the fk?! As if being a lesbian is some big dirty scary secret and ooh, watch out, your friend's got the lezzy hots for you!
They sound about twelve. And she should have been falling over herself to apologise to you on their behalf.
(Am not a lesbian myself, if it matters. Would not socialise with grown adults who were this juvenile about sexuality, though.)
I can see why you wanted to leave and I can also see why your friend didn't
- you took her by surprise
- she had had a few drinks
- she was with new work colleagues
for all these reasons she probably just didn't fully think the situation through.
Hopefully nothing was meant by her not going with you.
I'm intrigued as to the connection between views on housing and being a lesbian
Drunkenly dragging your mate off for a minute to discuss your sexuality is v immature but it doesn't have to have been unkindly meant
It is when you do it in front of the person. If you behaved like that in the workplace you would be sacked. Her friends sound utterly vile and I also would have left.
And whilst she was put in an awkward position, the fact she is now saying that they did nothing wrong says an awful lot about her. I wouldn't bother contacting her, leave it to her.
The problem is that it may be the the OPs friend would not choose to socialise with these people either. The friend did stand up for the OP. But these are people she works with.
If I were the OP I wouldn't get into a discussion on housing with people I don't know. When those people are my good friends work colleagues.
Got to be honest this is why I never take anyone on a work event. If either side behaves like idiots you end up stuck in the middle with someone pissed off
I'd like to clarify the housing conversation, if it matters...
This person said (to my friend with me standing there) that there is absolutely no way that a house can drop in value. I gave her a list of reasons why it might (Falling economy, increased crime rate, nuisance neighbours, intrusive developments nearby e.g. wind farm...). She looked offended and told me they weren't real reasons. :/ Maybe I shouldn't have gotten involved with that, but was a bit worried she was giving my friend poor advice.
So she was a homophobe, immature and as thick as two short planks - she sounds a fucking treat. Look, if I was your friend in that situation I wouldn't have acted like she did and would have binned off the twats BUT you said you were going to leave and at no point did you make it clear that you expected her to come with you. She was probably taken aback and in a tough spot if they were work mates. Let it go
Some of it might depend where your friend works... If it's an estate agents & housing is their job, then they might have taken the comment really badly no matter how valid your points are.
Sometimes you work with knobs, but you've got to make an effort to get along because you end up spending a good proportion of your time with them - maybe, despite them being knobs, your mate didn't leave with you. Doesn't mean she loves you any less, esp after the "so what if she is" remark.
Just don't hang out with them again if they're so immature
Maybe it's just me but I wouldn't have started correcting someone I just met, if they were a friends worl mate. Would just tell me friend later what I thought.
They sound like knobbers. But she was in a difficult position. I think Yabu to have expected her to leave. Especially when her judgement was clouded by drink.
She probably hasn't been in touch because you are carrying on this situation.
Maybe I shouldn't have gotten involved with that, but was a bit worried she was giving my friend poor advice.
In which case, why not just speak to your friend about it another time? It sounds like you might have instigated the antagonistic behaviour, (at least in their eyes) and although they escalated it to a ridiculous level, I'm still not really sure what you wanted your friend to do? Your description of her 'betraying' you suggests that she was in some way complicit with her work-mates' behaviour, whereas it sounds more like she was in an awkward position and tried to mitigate their stupidity as best she could.
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